SLICED.

All of the stage directions will be read aloud by a man in a trench coat standing at the edge of the scene. When a character is being discussed, all focus switches to them. When a character’s inner thoughts are revealed the character can gesture and motion to suggest that they are thinking these thoughts.

(The scene is set in a Manhattan pizzeria. It is late night, the sounds of raucous nightlife outside echo throughout the scene.  SARAH, a woman in her mid-twenties stands opposite RASHEEN, a young, excitable, tipsy man in his late twenties. He talks animatedly, using big gestures and hand motions for simple statements and evaluations, as though he is trying to push the value of what he is talking about into importance. He himself told her previously that night that his friends often called him ‘Baboon’ because of his ability to say barely anything at all whilst making as much noise as possible. They had met at a karaoke bar earlier and he had clung to her friends, boasting of his prowess on the karaoke machine. Her friends had all departed but she agreed to go grab some pizza with him after as, though she didn’t know him, she couldn’t help but to feel sorry for this clueless young man whose oft mentioned friends hadn’t made a single appearance that night. This post karaoke bar arrangement is not something that she would normally do but her instincts told her that he was far too silly to be dangerous and he had mentioned more than a handful of times that he would buy the pizza. She liked pizza.) 

RASHEEN
Aww, you really bad. You’re  a bad woman. Look at what you have me doing . Buying you a slice and I’m not even getting anything out of it.

(His look suggests that she had somehow coerced him into this pizza purchase as though it were anything but his idea. A couple sit in the small pizzeria opposite them, actively listening to this, occasionally shooting disgusted looks at SARAH. From RASHEEN’s erratic behavior and her stoic response, she knew that they thought she was taking advantage of some desperate, drunk guy for a late night snack. She did not intend to take advantage. She wanted to learn. She valued knowledge. She valued pizza.)

COUNTER CLERK
That will be eight dollars fifty sir.

RASHEEN
You got to be kidding me? That’s fucking ridiculous. Eight dollars for one fucking slice? I know Manhattan ain’t cheap but that’s a different league. It better be a big ass slice. Nah, nah, seriously tho, I ain’t paying that for a slice.

(The pizza man smirks at RASHEEN.)

MAN AT PIZZERIA
She ordered a spinach calzone too.

(The Clerk looks at SARAH. She can tell that he also believes she is trying to swindle RASHEEN. There is little she can do to explain herself, as that would involve explaining the whole incident. It would involve explaining that RASHEEN had become progressively more urgent to buy her pizza, the more she told him that they couldn’t be together romantically. In desperation, she had told him that she was a devout lesbian, a statement that was only half true but she felt it would get him off her back. Wrong, he had pleaded harder. He said he heard lesbians loved mozzarella. She wasn’t sure if that was a euphemism.
 She would have to explain to the clerk that they had agreed to this pizza rendezvous at a late night karaoke bar whilst singing along to the Spice Girls. It happened somewhere in between ‘Stop Right There’ and ‘Thank You Very Much’ and they pretty much shook on it by ‘I Need Somebody With the Human Touch.’ She would have to explain that she did not know RASHEEN, yet had optioned to leave her safe group of worried friends who had warned her with all of their might not to go with him. One of them even tried to give her a stiletto for protection. She would have to explain that, though she was in no way sexually attracted to RASHEEN, she was intrigued by how ludicrously tragic he was and felt the need to unearth how he seemed to be so oblivious to his surroundings. She knew that if she explained all of this, the clerk wouldn’t believe her. He would call her a slut.)
​
SARAH
(Meekly)
I did. I ordered that. I ordered a calzone also. Sorry, I forgot to mention. 

COUNTER CLERK
(Accusatory)
She ordered it when you were smoking.

SARAH
I did. Yes, sorry. I was hungry. (Mumbles towards COUNTER CLERK)  I’m not a slut though.

RASHEEN
Oh you. 

(RASHEEN addresses her with an air of familiarity that she finds equal parts intriguing and disturbing. He also squeezes her face, which she allows due to the calzone confusion.)

Look what you got me doing. Buying you all this stuff, paying for all this stuff and I’m not even getting anything from it, huh? Oh you. You’re a really bad woman

(They bring their cheesey delights to a nearby table, SARAH notes how the other couple are full on staring at them at this point. They think she’s a cheesey slut. She knows it. SFX of ‘OBSCURE GAME SHOW JINGLE’. Narrator opens his trench coat to reveal a sequined top glittering underneath, two sharply cut mozzarella pieces are stuck to his top in a way that suggests two artificial nipples. With a wink and a cheeky pinch of a mozzarella nipple, he becomes a Game Show Host. He uses the nearby garlic dispenser as a microphone.)

GAME SHOW HOST
Welcome, welcome, welcome to ‘You Cheese, I squeeze’, where our female contestants will give it all up for some milky, stringy and sometimes mouldy delights.

(Does a gross Hannibal Lector mouth thing. He accidentally inhales garlic and begins to splutter and gag dramatically. Eventually he regains composure, tears drizzling down his cheeks.)

LAAAAADIES. Who wants to GIVE THEMSELVES UP for some cheese??

(Does an awkward dance. A gaggle of women burst through the door, high heels clacking against the tiles, wide eyed and ravenous.)

WOMAN 1
This place is a dive.

WOMAN 2

(Dramatically slipping and falling to the floor, in tandem with the 'dive' comment, which is quite ironic. She is face down in the tiled floor. Muffled.)

Ya, it kind of smells. Eew.

(GAME SHOW HOST continues.)

GAME SHOW HOST
Ladies, get those taste buds ready! We have quite the delectable selection for you here tonight. Blue cheese for those who like a more aged choice, a silver fox perhaps...mozzarella for those who prefer the blander of our selection, if it ain't broke don't fix it...gorgonzola for the exotic tastes, full of favour...and BRIE...for...for...for...ummm...well nobody ever really knows what brie's for or what to put it with. How about it Ladies?!

(GROUP OF WOMEN gaze around in disgust. One of them suddenly notices the Narrator behind her, lets out a squeal and slaps him full force across the face and they promptly exit. Scene cuts back to reality.)
​
RASHEEN
Buying you slices of this and that and the other. Oh you really got me. Thank God you’re pretty. And you’re not even letting me do anything to you or nothing.

SARAH
(Urgently trying to change the subject.)
What’s your favorite type of cheese?

RASHEEN
(Suddenly seriously)
Goat’s cheese.

SARAH
Why?

RASHEEN
Coz, I’m a GOAT. The GOAT-Greatest of All Time!!

(He laughs raucously, unperturbed by the fact that she remains stony-faced throughout his cackle.) 

SARAH
(Sarah offers up her pizza slice.)
Want some?

(She notes that he continually checks his phone. The light illuminating his face and each check produces a minute euphoric expression before he returns to his rambling self.)

RASHEEN
Nah, I’m good.

SARAH
Why do you keep checking the time? I told you that I’m gay, you won’t wear me down when it gets too late to get the subway.

(She giggles awkwardly. He smiles and turns his phone towards her, lighting up the screen to reveal a photograph of a young boy.)

RASHEEN
That’s my son.

SARAH
You have a son?

RASHEEN
Yup.
(Beat.)
He doesn’t live with me.
(Beat.)
Just in case you thought I was being... reckless. He’s at home with his mother.
(Suddenly she has several more unanswered questions.)

SARAH
Why are you still wearing your Trader Joes uniform at two am at night?

RASHEEN
I came straight after work. My boss wanted me to change but I said fuck that. I said fuck that shiiiiiit.
(He begins guffawing and she gives him a quizzical look)

SARAH
Do you honestly think that’s funny?

RASHEEN
Well, he can tell me what to do when I’m on the clock, not when I’m off. So fuck that. If I wanna wear my uniform when I head out, so BE IT!

SARAH
(Sadly)
You sure told him... Didn’t it... kind of negatively affect YOUR night though?

RASHEEN
No, not at all. Look at this gorgeous woman who I’m eating with. Oh, you’re a bad woman.

(He goes to touch her face again but this time she blocks him.)

SARAH
So, are you married?

RASHEEN
No.
(Beat. He looks away from her. Then looks at his phone.)

SARAH
You don’t want to talk about it?

RASHEEN
No, it’s fine. We’re not together, right now. But in the future, we will get back on... she just doesn’t want to... she doesn’t want me near her right now. But some day, we will be back on.

SARAH
So you would like to be with her. But here you are, with me?

RASHEEN
Ya, we’re separated right now. I don’t want that but she does. She will want to get back, she’ll be fine in a few years. Right now, she doesn’t want me near her, she doesn’t even want to see me. When I collect my son, she doesn’t want to be there. She has somebody else with him. She... just... she’s just upset by what I did to her.

​SARAH
What did you do?

RASHEEN
Oh...I was awful. I did some really bad stuff and I fucked her up. What I did, what I did, it fucked her up really bad.

SARAH
You don’t have to tell me what you did if-

RASHEEN
Oh, I don’t mind. I’ll tell you. ‘Course I’ll tell you because that was a different me. I’m not like that anymore. I cheated on her with lots of different people. And she’d call me and ask and I’d lie and just do it again and again. I cheated on her and cheated on her and cheated on her so many different times and just kept lying until I wore her down to nothing.
(Beat.)
Ya, I was fucked up. It was all fucked.

SARAH
Why did you do that?

RASHEEN
Like I said, it wasn’t  really me, I guess. It’s just how I was raised. What I saw, what I was used to seeing when I was growing up. My own father was like that, so I guess I was like that. It’s just how it was. It was normal. Expected. Kind of.

SARAH
A lot of people were raised badly as children but don’t do awful things when they are adults.

RASHEEN
It’s just because, like I said, my old man was like that and I was used to seeing it, I thought... you know... it was fine to be like that.

SARAH
As an adult, you can make your own decisions. Especially if you kept doing it. It sounds pretty bad.

RASHEEN
Ya, it was. It was absolutely fucked. I was fucked and I know that’s no excuse, my upbringing ...but... I don’t know. I just... I’m not like that anymore. But I want her... I don’t want to hurt her but I know, in like, a couple years, give it time, we’ll be back on. Right now we're just divided. But we're still the same. It's kind of like we're sliced. Ya. Separated but we still fit. Ya. That's a good way to put it.  We're sliced.
(He takes a large bite of pizza. Silence. He looks longingly at the phone again. Quietly. )
She is beautiful. Always has been. I don’t know why ...I was just so fucked, you know. She used to be real successful. She was a Medical Assistant, I guess assistant to a Doctor. And, she was thriving, you know, real happy. And now, because of me, she’s unemployed, she’s all fucked up in the head. Now she’s on benefits. She can’t work no more, after what I did to her. She says that it’s to look after Dayvne, my son, but I know it’s coz I ruined her nerves. She used to earn over 60,000 a year, now she barely scrapes 12k. She refuses to answer my calls but I know we’ll be back one day. Just not now. We’ll be good, just give it time.

SARAH
Ya. Ya.... you told me that. What age is your son?

RASHEEN
(Smiles.)
Eight. He’s eight. I got him tomorrow. He keeps me going, really.
(Silence. SARAH wraps up what’s left of the pizza and slots it into the nearby trash can.)

SARAH
I guess we better head out.

RASHEEN
Ooh, you’re a bad woman Sarah, you really are.
(He squeezes her face once more and this time she lets him.)

SARAH
Will you be okay to get home?

RASHEEN
Ya, I’m gonna walk. But I’ll bring you to a subway.
(They head out.)
Walking this late at night reminds me of when I was homeless. For two years. After she kicked me out. She was right to, I just wasn’t ready for it.
(They stop outside of a subway station.)
 So I guess I’m kind of proud of working in Trader Joes and that’s why I wear the uniform. It’s like a symbol that I got my independence again and I’m not just leeching off of her and damaging her life. Even though it may be embarrassing to somebody like you. 
(Long pause.)
It makes me feel good. Anything that allows me control over myself seems big to me.
(She goes to hug him. They embrace briefly.)
You’re a really bad woman.

SARAH
I suppose I am. All the best Rasheen.