HOME, SWEAT, HOME, COMING

 A couple sit propped up in a queen sized bed. The bed is neat, though a little bit boring. The room around them is meticulous. A dresser with a large lamp is placed beside the bed, nearest to the man. The man’s hand hovers above the light switch.

CASSANDRA
(Dejectedly)
You can turn the light off if you want.

JAMES
Oh, don’t be like that.

CASSANDRA
I think that I am allowed to be however I want to be.  At least give me that.

JAMES
That’s just how I do it. I always have the lights off. It’s nothing to do with you.

CASSANDRA
Oh, how foolish of me to think that I should have any say in sleeping with you. I should have known that when we have sex, it only concerns you.

JAMES
My God, Cassandra, you know that I didn’t mean it like that. I always have the lights off. It’s the only way I do it. That’s how it has always been and how it will always be. It’s nothing to do with any shortcoming of yours. If anything, it’s to do with a shortcoming of mine. So I wish you would just accept it! It’s MY shortcoming.


(CASSANDRA bursts into laughter. JAMES is horrified. She notes his expression.)

CASSANDRA
I just think that was an interesting way of putting things ...in this context ...like that choice of words ...Short... coming...

JAMES
You’re such a child.

CASSANDRA
If I’m a child, you’re a paedo- 

(CASSANDRA catches herself mid-joke, notes that it wouldn’t end well and changes tone.)

CASSANDRA
What if I wanted to see your face?

JAMES
You can see my face ANY other time you want to.

CASSANDRA
I want to see your face when you are coming.

JAMES
Well, just look at my face the next time I am at the ATM, it’s kind of like when I successfully enter my pin code. It’s the same expression, an expression that conveys a familiar, comfortable sense of achievement.

CASSANDRA
(Sarcastically)
I’m so glad that when I pleasure you, it will remind you of such a mundane everyday task.

JAMES
(Grumpy)
It really doesn’t matter what I say because you will just twist it.

CASSANDRA
Don’t you want to look at me when I’m coming?

JAMES
Yes...of course I do...but... I can feel you. 

CASSANDRA
It’s most definitely not the same thing.

JAMES
Yes it is. In fact, it enhances it. Because I can’t physically see you, my sense of touch is enhanced and I can feel you tremor and squirm.

CASSANDRA
(Leading)
It’s kind of like how I tremor and squirm when I can’t remember my pin code at the ATM.

JAMES
Exactly.

CASSANDRA
(Drily)
You are unbelievable.  What you’re saying makes absolutely no sense...in any context. Imagine if people went to the zoo, were blindfolded and told that they could touch all of the exotic animals but weren’t allowed to see them, because the keepers decided it was the same thing.
 
JAMES
That’s completely different. If they touched those beasts they could catch any number of diseases or get bitten!

CASSANDRA
Sounds like sex on a first date to me.

JAMES
This is NOT our first date. We have worked together for years, it’s just our first official ...couple thing.

CASSANDRA
I have never even seen your prized python and now you want me to stroke it in the dark?

JAMES
Can we please move off of this gross analogy?!

CASSANDRA
Well, I would prefer some kind of explanation but sure, let’s just blindly go at each other if that’s what you want because of you and your coming shortly!

JAMES
(Furious)
OH FINE! If you must know, it’s because I have a sweat problem. When I am sexually excited, I sweat excessively. It has been noted by my own Doctor and many other different types of medical professionals. I went to just about everybody looking for a solution; chiropractors, countless dermatologists, once a paediatrician-I was very confused and so was he (shudders at the memory of it), and I even went to a god-damned chiropodist at my most desperate hour. 

CASSANDRA
(In mock horror.)
Oh Jesus, not a chiropodist!

JAMES
Don’t fucking make light of things! He used scalpels and smelled of chlorine. You know how I LOATHE swimming pools.
(Becoming progressively more frantic.)
 They all agreed that there’s nothing at all that anybody can do to. The minute I get excited, my pores let loose. I get wetter than any female ever could. It’s embarrassing for EVERYBODY. At least in the darkness, I could attempt to quarantine it. But, because you are so stupidly attractive, I worried that I would glisten so much that you would be turned off. But, I shouldn’t have worried at all because I never knew what a bitch you were and now I don’t want to sleep with you anymore.

(He reaches over to the dresser and pulls a cloth out from the drawer. He angrily wipes his perspiring brow. As the cloth becomes quickly drenched in sweat, he sobs as he begins to grab more and more.)
​
CASSANDRA
(Quietly)
I think it’s cute.

JAMES
(Quietly. Puts the wet bunch of cloths on the bed. Thinks better of that decision and flings them into a nearby rubbish bin.)
What?

CASSANDRA
I said it’s cute. It’s cute that you sweat.
(Puts her hand on his, notices it is soaking, giggles and pats the blanket near him instead.)
 I hope that you don’t sweat half as much as you worry. I can see you don’t because if you did, we would be floating by now. 
(Gently)
Sheesh. It’s no big deal. I have secrets. I have bumps and quirks and crevices I would prefer to keep hidden from the naked eye but I don’t worry about it. I have observed you this entire time. Your brow has been constantly furrowed, your breath short. It’s like you’re waiting, just waiting, for something awful to happen. Something awful could happen to anybody at any time. Why should you have the luxury of wasting all our time by worrying about it? If anything, I find your sweating attractive because it makes you seem more natural. Less guarded.
(James smiles)

JAMES
Thanks. I think? It’s just... I’m so nervous. And scared. And utterly vulnerable. To be completely honest, you’re the first girl I have ever brought home. Because of my... issue... I used to seek out strangers, one night stands, you know the type... erasmus students. People that I knew I would never need to see again... THEN...after they...you know...found out about my... secret... I wouldn’t need to look them in the eye ever again. 

 And I always brought them out of town to a hotel or motel and, one time, at my very bravest, I even tried a B.N.B ... although that was a bit too personal, risque even.  And the staff would be pre-warned to switch the lights off at a certain time. I would always convince my...suitor that there had been an electrical shortage and that the lights had gone out sporadically and would be out for the entire night but back again in the morning. That way, I could avoid all of this awkward explanation. If they noticed any... dampness... I would pretend that there was a leak in the roof... that had been my contingency plan... but we never went the whole way because... So, in short, you’re the first girl I have ever brought home and you will certainly be the first girl that I ever... if we ever... if you’re not grossed-

CASSANDRA
Wait, you’re telling me that I am the first girl that you have ever brought home?

JAMES
Yes.

CASSANDRA
And you’re telling me that you have never ever taken it very far before?

JAMES
Just sloppy kissing and wet groping... but the worst kind of wet groping...

CASSANDRA
So, this is going to be kind of like your first... HOMEcoming?
(JAMES leans in and the lights go out.)