Guamerican

The stage is divided in three by light. Stage left and stage right are in complete darkness. Centre stage is brightly lit, though every so often, the light flickers. A projection of moving shadows projects against the back wall, so that it’s obvious we are witnessing people aboard a vehicle that is in transit.
Two soldiers sit opposite each other on low-lying, plastic green seats in the back of a vehicle that we imagine is a van. They wear khaki war gear and each possesses a firearm that is strapped loosely to his side. Every now and then a strong jolt sends them both flying to the opposite side of the van and neatly landing on the other bench, mirroring each other in a slightly balletic, slightly clumsy fashion. When this happens they stop mid-conversation and continue once they have landed on the other side, as though nothing happened. One solider, ADRIAN, is handsome, disheveled and in very good shape. The other soldier, JOHNNY, is smaller, thinner, has a baby face and looks like he is in a state of constant confusion.

ADRIAN
(Entering)
What the fuck do you call a person from Guam?.
(The other soldier starts guffawing.)

ADRIAN
Do you even know what Guam is, you moron?

JOHNNY
‘Course I do...

ADRIAN
Oh, what is it then? 
(Pause. Silence. Jolt and swap.)
Before you embarrass yourself, I feel you should know that it’s not that green slime that Chipotle charge you three dollars extra to lace onto their overpriced fucking burrito slop.

JOHNNY
Don’t fuckin’ patronize me Adrian, you’re the one who doesn’t even know what a person from Guam is called. I always knew Guam was a place.

ADRIAN
Oh okay, where is it?
(Pause. Silence. Jolt and swap.)
Anyway, the point of this fuckin’ thing is we need to know what a person from Guam actually fuckin’ is.

JOHNNY
(Smiles. Squints mischievously.)
A Guama-MOLE-ee? 
(JOHNNY begins to chuckle at himself.)

ADRIAN
(Smiles)
You’re such a shit head.  
Seriously though. Technically they’re American but they can’t even vote.

JOHNNY
(Solemnly)
Jeez. I wish I was from Guam so I didn’t have to contribute to the upcoming presidential electrocution.
(ADRIAN cackles with laughter. JOHNNY looks confused and slightly offended.)

ADRIAN
I fuckin’ hope you meant to say that.  
(Imitates JOHNNY’S voice and trembles/rocks dramatically in his seat as though he is being electrocuted.)
 Presidential electrocution.
(JOHNNY stares at him blankly. ADRIAN realizes JOHNNY didn’t intend to make a joke.)
Jesus, sometimes I worry about you Johnny boy.

JOHNNY
I’m not the guy to worry about. You just start laughing your fucking head off for no reason. It’s a serious matter Adrian. Psycho.
(Jolt and swap.)

ADRIAN
Anyways. They’re technically American but they also have to have a name for being from their actual country too. For being from Guam like. Even though they’re American, they don’t stop being from Guam. 
  You can be from one country and BE that but you always still have the stamp of your own country too, don’t you? Like, people from Scotland are British but they are still Scottish too. They don’t stop being Scottish, just because Britain says they’re part of them. But, to be honest, I don’t know what the fuck is happening between them anymore because of that Brexit shit. You know about Brexit?

JOHNNY
‘Course. I think it’s awful what they did to him. Poor guy. I feel sorry for him. 
(Jolt and swap.)

ADRIAN
I am sorry too Johnny boy. I'm sorry about you.
But, back to Guam.
They’re American... even though they’re in the middle of the Pacific and practically holding hands with Japan. And yet, if you threw a rock through a train window in Manhattan-any day of the week, you’d hit at least eight illegal immigrants who were born in the States but refused the same fucking title that these guys from Guam were born with, just by being from Guam. 
 (Jolt and swap)
 That’s pretty fucking unfair, if you ask me. These Guam dudes never even had to put up with the MTA.  That should actually be mandatory for citizenship. After five years of mandatory time, served on the MTA, you should be handed a green card and apologized to. The closest thing Guam have to the MTA is probably some distant relative of Godzilla. A big, creaky, ugly ass motherfucker who is everywhere you look and constantly screeching, yet still manages never to fucking show up when you need him.

And Jesus, these Guamericans living the life of luxury in the Pacific with coconuts and weirdly shaped trees and parrots probably even, and being credited as American the entire time? Fucking parrots like. Closest we have to parrots are those TKTS people in Times Square.
(Impersonates a parrot. Stands up and starts fluttering around.)
Come see this show. (Rawk) Buy your tickets here.(Rawk) It’s the same show as the one you saw yesterday (Rawk) but the cast will be naked (Rawk) and on fire (Rawk) and related to you. (Rawk) 

(JOHNNY squeals with laughter every time ADRIAN 'Rawks'. Jolt and swap.)

What the fuck is the good of belonging to a country that won’t let you vote when you live so far away that you’re practically Asian?

JOHNNY
Can we focus on one question at a time? We don’t even know what to call them yet and you’re bringing up all these philosophical issues.

ADRIAN
I hardly think being almost Asian is a philosophical issue. It’s just confusing. Anyways. Maybe if we try a few names and see which one fits the best?

JOHNNY
Well... what’s wrong with JUST ‘Guam’?

ADRIAN
I never said they weren’t just. I said they were lucky, not unjust. Big difference. It’s not their fault that they were handed a citizenship and never had to put up with the MTA or human parrots. 

JOHNNY
No, that’s my answer. Why can’t we just call them ‘Guam’? They are ‘Guam’. ‘Guam’, I like it, that word sounds final. It sounds kind of like an answer.

ADRIAN
Are you fucking serious? We can’t just call the people who live in a country the name of the fucking aforementioned country, are you fucking mental?
(Jolt and swap.)

JOHNNY:
Why can’t we? Maybe it will catch on. I am France. I am Jamaica. It's kind of fucking inspiring, to be completely honest.

ADRIAN
It’s too confusing, that’s why! If I went around saying ‘I am America’, people would start thinking that I was delusional or releasing an album.

JOHNNY
(Whimsical)
I am America. I like it. I would listen to that album. I am America.

ADRIAN
Well, you do get into about fifty different states when you’ve had  few beers but, NO, drop it, we’re not calling them fucking ‘Guam’ alright.

JOHNNY
Jesus Adrian boy. You'd swear you weren't the one who brought the whole thing up. Take it easy, aiiite?
(Pause. Jolt and swap.)
So, if they come to America, do they view it as a holiday?

ADRIAN
What do you mean?

JOHNNY
Because they’re from both America and from Guam... when they come here, is it like a holiday or a homecoming? Like if they went on a holiday to Britain or Scotland or wherever, and then went to America right after, would they say, “I’m going away or I’m going home”? That shit's confusing. 

(Van stops suddenly. Both of their weapons go off, soldiers jolt and swap several times, each time landing in a different position/shape. SFX of an extremely heavy van door sliding open and a bright light shines in on them. A big, burly, imposing man enters, he wears driving gloves, a bandana designed like the American flag and khaki army gear. There’s a parrot on his shoulder.)

BARRY
Dudes. I have been listening to you this entire time from the front seat. Yabbering this and that about dudes from Guam and you don’t even know the absolute half. They didn’t have it easy. I’m from Guam, I’m Chamarro.

JOHNNY
You’re Chamarro? I thought you’re name was Barry?

ADRIAN
Yeah, I saw your name tag this morning before we got in the back. It’s definitely Barry.

BARRY
Ya my name is Barry but I AM Chamarro.

JOHNNY
Whaaaaaaat? Does everybody from Guam have two first names?

BARRY
(Laughs)
No. My name is Barry but I’m Chamarro. CHAMARRO. That’s what you call people from Guam.

(Though the van is no longer moving, this surprising and satisfactory revelation causes the two soldiers to dramatically jolt and swap. Their weapons go off once again. The parrot screams in reaction to the gunshot.)

ADRIAN
Hang on a sec. How are you from Guam AND in the US army?

BARRY
Oh, Chamorros are allowed to be in the army but they’re just not allowed to vote.

ADRIAN
So... they trust you enough with a military tank or a grenade or even to drive two of their greatest recruits across the interstate- 
(Gestures at himself and JOHNNY. Looks at JOHNNY who is gaping at BARRY’s name-tag in fascination and whispering ‘BARRY CHAMORRO’ in bewilderment.)
ONE of their greatest recruits across the interstate but they won’t let you have a say in who rules the country?

BARRY
Yup. We can fight but not vote. Guam is American territory, but not technically part of America.

ADRIAN
How do you know so much about Guam? Did you grow up there?

BARRY
No, I was born there and my parents moved to Texas when I was a baby. I have never even really been to Guam.

ADRIAN
Did you study it in college?

BARRY
No, I have never even read a book about Guam. I just googled it on my i-phone in the front seat, when I heard you guys going on about it.

​ADRIAN/JOHNNY
You’re American after all.