October 08th, 2016

THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME
BY VALERIE NI LOINSIGH
The stage opens to a woman and man in their mid-twenties standing side by side in the middle of a field, surrounded by grazing cows. They stand erect, staring intensely onto the horizon. Cows lumber and stumble around them, they converse but their gaze in fixed straight, unaffected by the bovines shifting and stumbling very close-by.
INDRA
(Quietly)
Shivering...
AUSTIN
What?
INDRA
You asked me how lonely I was.
AUSTIN
Right...
INDRA
And I said shivering.
AUSTIN
Right... that’s not really a proper sentence though is it?
INDRA
(Sighs. Clears throat. Over enunciates.) 
At times, I felt so lonely that I would catch myself shivering.
(Austin moves suddenly and concisely and pushes a nearby cow over onto it’s side. It appears to be sleeping)
AUSTIN
Yeah,  I told you not to go.
INDRA
You never said such a thing. Anyway, it wasn’t a choice. 
AUSTIN
Everybody always has a say in their actions.
INDRA
I was kidnapped Austin.
AUSTIN
Yeah, I wouldn’t have done it myself. 
(Heaves as he pushes a particularly stiff and lumbersome cow over.)
But I’m not surprised that it made you a little homesick.
INDRA
I wasn’t homesick so much as I was scared for my life.
AUSTIN
All things happen for a reason.
(Goes to push another cow over, misses and falls into a large cowpat.)
See?
INDRA
It was dark-
AUSTIN
You’re focusing on the negative aspects. 
(Stands back up and removes a large piece of dry cow poo from his chin.)
How was the food?
INDRA
There was none.
AUSTIN
Whaaaaaaaaaaat? Now you see, that would annoy me. Kidnappers are supposed to provide sustenance. It’s tradition. Albeit, sustenance on a plastic plate...granted without cutlery... condiments would be out of the question and the meal would be presented to you through a thin gap under a large wooden, insect-infested door once a day. BUT, sustenance none the less... YOU COULD HAVE DIED!
INDRA
I know. Luckily I was kidnapped right after dinner.
AUSTIN
Well, that’s polite. But what about your next meal?
INDRA
What do you mean?
AUSTIN
What about breakfast?
INDRA
Well, I wasn’t there overnight. That would have been ridiculous. I’m a busy woman with a career. I was kidnapped for three hours, forty minutes and the amount of seconds it took me to shout ‘help’ on a full pairs of lungs.
AUSTIN
Oh that sounds like a satisfying wail. Can I hear it?
INDRA
Are you sure you want to? It’s pretty loud. It will clear the spiderwebs from your home and the homes of your children for millenias to come.
AUSTIN
YES. Shout it at me.
(INDRA closes her eyes, braces herself and AUSTIN pushes a cow in excitement so that the beast moans exactly in conjunction with Audra’s cry for ‘HELP’, masking her.)
Oops. Sorry. I think you’re going to have to speak louder...maybe sing it.
INDRA
Sing?
AUSTIN
Ya, since I haven’t been able to relate to your kidnapping story so far, maybe if you sang it, it would be helpful? That always seems to help in those musicals.

(INDRA steps forward and as soon as she does all of the remaining unpushed cows around her fall on their sides. AUSTIN removes his cap, grips it to his chest and closes his eyes. She begins to sing.)

I SHOUTED FOR HELP BUT A COW SHUT ME DOWN
I CRIED OUT INTO THE WILDERNESS BUT THERE WAS NOBODY AROUND
I THINK I WAS KIDNAPPED, I REMEMBER ONLY ONE SOUND
HELP, I SHOUTED IT OUT LOUD, HELP, HELP, HELP, SOMEBODY HELP ME NOW
I THINK I WAS KIDNAPPED BUT MAYBE I DISAPPEARED
MY MIND GOES PLACES SOMETIMES, PLACES STRANGE AND QUEER
MY THOUGHTS TAKE ME AWAY, TAKE ME TO SOMEWHERE I’M NOT AFRAID
WHEN I’M STANDING IN A FIELD, MY MIND TAKES ME HOME
SO I DON’T FEEL ALONE. I DON’T FEEL ALONE.
SO I DON’T FEEL ALONE
NOT AWAY BUT NOT HOME