NOTIONS

​OPENING CREDITS: BLACK
(We hear the sound of a plane landing and the pilot welcoming
passengers to Dublin. Jazz music underscores the opening
scenes, juxtaposed against the aggravated tone of the
action.)

INT. AIRPORT ARRIVALS - MORNING

(VALERIE, statuesque, mid-20s red-head with a permanent
scowl, steps through the sliding doors of the arrivals. Her
freckled cheekbones stand up to the scrutiny of the overhead
fluorescents as she casts around for a familiar face. She looks disgusted and audibly grimaces and snorts in disgust at passersby. She sits down with her luggage, sighs, whips out her phone, swipes to make a call.)


INT. EOGHAN’’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
(EOGHAN, a sallow-skinned 20-something with a mop of brown
hair, wakes up to the vibration of his phone, or rather, to
the sound of his irritated extremely well-built Filipino husband MARLON (lying
next to him in bed and nudging him with his elbow) alerting him to the incoming call.)

MARLON
(Very deep voice)
Eoghan...Eoghan

EOGHAN
What time is it?

MARLON
Half eleven.

EOGHAN
Shit.

(EOGHAN fumbles for the phone on his bedside locker.)

EOGHAN

Hello?

INT. AIRPORT ARRIVALS - CONTINUOUS
VALERIE
Hi Eoghan. Where the fuck are you?


EOGHAN
(Very obviously feigned surprise)
Valerie! 

VALERIE
(Aggressively mimicking Eoghan)
Ya!

EOGHAN
You’re here?

VALERIE
Ya! I am!

EOGHAN
I thought you were coming in at elev- at uh...at half twelve...

2.

VALERIE

Eleven Eoghan.
You’re still in bed aren’t you?

INT. EOGHAN’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

EOGHAN

No! I’m...I’m on my way, I...

VALERIE
I can tell you just woke up, your voice is cheery and full of hope, clearly you haven’t dragged down by the reality of your life yet.

EOGHAN
Maybe…

VALERIE
Maybe? What? I am I supposed to just go back to Cork so, is it?

EOGHAN

No no no! We have to have our coffee. Uh...do
you mind coming into the city centre?


VALERIE
Town, is it? There better be a fucking espresso or five in it for me.

EOGHAN
Yeah, yeah, I’ll pay!

VALERIE

Obviously.

(Valerie hangs up and gets to her feet, tripping over one of her bags, breaking into an on the spot jog to cover it up. She looks around at the other people seated nearby.)

VALERIE
(Glares pointedly at them.)
What the fuck are you looking at? Yeah, I meant to do that. I meant to do that. God, some people…
(Carelessly shoulders people out of the way as she exits the airport.)

INT. EOGHAN’S KITCHEN - MORNING

(Eoghan sits at the table, slowly eating cornflakes from a
bowl, gazing melancholically into the middle-distance, while
Marlon scurries around in the background, packing his gym bag and
powdering his feet.)

EOGHAN

We were room mates. Actually, everyone thought we were a couple.
Or we wanted them to think that...this is before we evolved and
"found ourselves". We kind of like Will & Grace.
Without the laughter.

MARLON

Right. And where you meeting her?

EOGHAN

Just this coffee place on the
Quays. Not many people know about it it’s our kind of our thing.

MARLON

Oh, Java Hut? Eoghan, you can’t afford to eat out. You have to stop splurging.

EOGHAN
God! Marlon! What if I don’t want to? What if I want to...you know...

MARLON
You’ve got to stop acting like a "lady of
leisure".

EOGHAN

I do not.

MARLON

I’m serious this time, okay? Alright look, I’m gonna go.

(MARLON throws a pink gym bag over his shoulder.)

EOGHAN
Okay have a good day baby.

(EOGHAN gives MARLON a kiss before he exits.

EOGHAN

See you. Love you!

(MARLON turns to exit and waves his hand half-heartedly. When he eventually leaves, EOGHAN opens a bedside closet and pulls out a  wad of cash. He fans himself with the twenties like a geisha. The jazz score starts up again.)

EXT. WELLINGTON QUAY - MORNING
(EOGHAN jogs across Grattan bridge towards the coffee shop,
flustered and wrapping a scarf around his neck.)

INT. DWARF JAR - CONTINUOUS
(VALERIE sits in the window, watching Eoghan’s approach while
finishing a coffee. He loses his footing and almost slips into oncoming traffic but
stops himself at the last moment. Valerie cackles from the window. He eventually makes it through the door. She is still laughing maniacally when he enters.)


EOGHAN
So sorry!

(EOGHAN hugs VALERIE tightly.)

VALERIE
Oh you make me laugh! God it was so funny when you just...fell into the...road.

EOGHAN
Yeah...

(They sit down by the window.)

VALERIE
I forgot how much you make me laugh, Eoghan.

(She snorts, dragging out her laughter at his expense, while maintaining very strong eye contact.)

VALERE
Fell into the street!

EOGHAN
It’s not really funny, but…

VALERIE
Oh...goodness, you’ve cheered me up. I was having a bad morning!

EOGHAN
Well, it’s nice to see you.

VALERIE
It is good to see me.

(VALERIE glances at her reflection in the cafe window, sucking in her cheeks. She takes a large swig from a plastic coffee cup. Her exuberance causes droplets of it to fly everywhere.)

VALERIE
Oh jesus that splashed in my face.

(She wipes away a fleck of coffee. Pauses Then licks it off her finger.)

EOGHAN
Can I get you another one of those? It must be cold.


VALERIE
What are you on about? It’s piping. I just got it in Centra.

EOGHAN
Did you not know you were coming here?

VALERIE
(Clearly missing his point.)
Ya I did. Didn’t you? You were the one who was late. God, pot, tea? Kettle is the new black?

(A stunning blond Adonis of a barista, with a top knot, approaches their table.)

BARISTA
Hi, what can I get you?

(VALERIE looks pensively at him.)

VALERIE
Get me? Oh I’m good. I just go this is in Centra.

(She puts the cup to her lips and slurps the last dregs for an unnaturally long time, while the two guys watch in disgusted silence. She finally finishes and holds the cup out to the barista.)

VALERIE
Throw that in the bin.

(The barista stands awkwardly.)

VALERIE
Please!?

(He finally relents and she sighs, exasperated.)

EOGHAN
Sorry about her. Um...what do you want?

VALERIE
I’ll actually...yeah, I’ll get an Americano.

EOGHAN
An Americano. That’s funny...she just came from America and she’s getting an Americano.

(EOGHAN laughs jovially and the barista reciprocates.)

VALERIE
(Rolls eyes. Solemnly to barista.)
You don’t have to laugh at that.

EOGHAN
What do I want...eh...I would like….what do I...want.

(EOGHAN scans the menu for what seems like an age.)

VALERIE
This isn’t fuckin’ Sophie’s Choice, Eoghan! (to barista) Some people are so inconsiderate...

EOGHAN
Yeah...can I get a Decaf Cappucino, please?

(VALERIE looks incredulous. Begins to guffaw.)

VALERIE
So foam, basically? That’s funny, because you just came from the Irish Sea, didn’t you? Get it? (solemnly to barista) You DO have to laugh at that one. You do have to laugh.

EOGHAN
Caffeine affects me, so.

BARISTA
Uh, I’ll bring them over.

(The barista goes back to his work station, EOGHAN throws a look back at him.)

EOGHAN
Thanks.

VALERIE
(Squints at EOGHAN.)
Thanks.

(EOGHAN turns his head again.)

EOGHAN
Thanks.

(The barista waves in acknowledgement.)

VALERIE
Thank yooou...sir.


EOGHAN
Thanks. Thank you for your service.

VALERIE
But more thanks and gratitude from me.

(Beat.)

Hurry up.

(Beat.)

Please.

(The barista looks baffled.)

EOGHAN

So...how was your flight?

VALERIE

Awhh fine! I don’t really want to talk about it. There were kids shouting in my ear the entire time.. Why do people have to have kids, you know? It’s just so arrogant.


EOGHAN
God I know.

VALERIE
Awhh and then, and THEN we fuckin’ descended on the black cloud that is Ireland.

EOGHAN

It’s pretty grim alright.

VALERIE

It is. But I won’t be here for long anyway. I’m only here for a few weeks and then my visa petition’s going to come through and I’ll be back in America as soon as I can. If I can survive my family in the meantime, like, it’s gonna be hard.

EOGHAN
Mmm.

(A beat. EOGHAN looks forlorn. VALERIE waves her hand slowly in front of his face.)

VALERIE
So...how’ve YOU been?


EOGHAN

Do you always have to be this confrontational? Jesus.


VALERIE
It’s a simple question, Eoghan.

(The barista arrives with the coffee. They don’t acknowledge
him but remain in a heated stare off.)

EOGHAN

Well I’m fine. You know, keeping busy. So
much going on.

VALERIE

Fab. 

(Beat.)

Brill

(Beat.)

Absolutely fuck all. Fuck all, isn’t it? You’re doing fuck all.

(EOGHAN takes a packet of sugar and starts flipping it against the table. He rips the end and particles fly everywhere.)

EOGHAN

Well not everyone gets to run
around New York doing plays and
telling their life story at the
Moth Valerie.

VALERIE

Ya, some of us are turning into moths. 
(Looks pointedly at a hole in EOGHAN’s jumper)
Made that one yourself did you?
Come on. You must be doing something.



EOGHAN
Sleeping. Eating. Scrolling and scrolling all day...

(EOGHAN takes a sip of his coffee.)

6.

VALERIE

Oh god Eoghan, you’ve
gone to the dark side again, haven’t you?

EOGHAN
(Burns tongue. With a lisp.)
I’m just living my truth okay?

VALERIE
Your truth? 

(VALERIE cackles.)

Is that what they call the social welfare in Swords?
Seriously, you have got to stop acting like
you’re gonna die at 30.


EOGHAN
How do you know I won’t?


VALERIE
It’s not very fashionable Eoghan. At least aim for 27. 
Seriously. You need to cop on. I’m surprised
Marlon even tolerates you moping around all day.


EOGHAN
Marlon loves me the way I am. I’m a
work-shy fop. It’s my thing.

VALERIE
You’re an actor!

EOGHAN
What’s the difference?


VALERIE
Oh my God that’s so insulting. 
(Beat.)
To work-shy fops.
I’m sure he finds it such a turn-on
paying for everything while you
lounge around in your skivvies.

EOGHAN
You make it sound so sordid.

VALERIE
Have you been looking for a job even?

EOGHAN
I have, but I mean,  it’s depressing. I’ve basically
gone from college to retirement.
That’s the way it goes now,Valerie.
We are economically unnecessary,

(A beat. VALERIE reaches her hand out to EOGHAN’s face as if to console him, and then promptly gives him a slap.)

7.

VALERIE

Might be time for you to go into IT.

EOGHAN

Oh Jesus Christ just fucking kill me now.

VALERIE

I dunno! Update your LinkedIn profile! Don’t you have one of those? That’s what everyone does. Update that.

EOGHAN

Stop.

(EOGHAN is overcome with a sudden jolt of excitement.)

EOGHAN

Actually I do have an audition this afternoon. It’s for a commercial.
So no, it’s not actually acting but it’s MONEY possibly coming in.
And they’re looking for a young, attractive, guy.

VALERIE
But you’re auditioning still?

EOGHAN
Yeah.

VALERIE
Are there other roles?

EOGHAN
"V. nice fee if selected."

VALERIE
Okay. Well, good!


EOGHAN

I just think people in medieval
times had the right idea, you know?
Live fast, die young. Or in my
case...live slow, die eventually.

VALERIE

What about friends, Eoghan? You must be hanging around with someone.

EOGHAN

You know, people won’t leave me
the fuck alone. It’s like,
"No, I don’t want to catch up with
you because there’s nothing to
say." And if I do actually meet
them it’s like they’re putting me
under a fucking microscope trying to expose my
flaws.

VALERIE

That’s ridiculous. We both know you
don’t have any flaws. Many flaws.
And the ones you do have are so obvious that you don’t need a microscope to see them.

EOGHAN

Fuck you.

(EOGHAN goes to take another sip of coffee, but it pops out of his hand and spills all down his front and onto the floor.)

EOGHAN
Shit.


(VALERIE immediately bursts into a cackle again. The barista comes over to clean up.)

EOGHAN

Sorry.

(The barista dutifully mops the liquid up with paper towel, even tending to Eoghan’s trousers.)

EOGHAN
So sorry, that was an accident.

(The barista continues to dab him with extra care and attention. VALERIE continues to laugh and then frowns quizzically.)

EOGHAN
No, that’s okay I can do it myself yeah.

(The barista takes the paper towels away.)

VALERIE
You do know how to make a gal happy, Eoghan. And a barista too, clearly.

EXT. WELLINGTON QUAY - MORNING
(VALERIE and EOGHAN exit the coffee shop.)

VALERIE
Jesus can’t you see how close your standing.

EOGHAN
Sorry!

VALERIE
I’m worried about you.

EOGHAN
Well, you should be.

VALERIE

Look at you. Have you even brushed your hair today? You’re completely haggard. 

(A car beeps in traffic nearby)

Jesus, Eoghan, people are beeping at you. You have gained weight. Your mood swings are so erratic like. I’m starting to think you’re pregnant Eoghan.

EOGHAN

Well I am late. For the audition.
You’re gonna be late too for your dinner if you don’t bloody well catch your bus soon.
Mama Ni Loinsigh will not be best pleased.

VALERIE
Eoghan, this hysteria is another symptom of pregnancy, I would never be late for food. And besides, I have a job interview myself before I have to head back home. To be a charity representative.

EOGHAN
You mean a “chugger”? You never mentioned this!

VALERIE
Ya well I don’t go around blabbing about my prospects before I actually succeed, like some people. Anyway don’t be a stranger. Give me a call if there’s ever a problem. I won't answer but it's the thought that counts. Never change, changing...always change to suit people. Don’t isolate yourself or others. People will call the police, you don’t want a criminal record. And...Skype and vino very soon.

EOGHAN
Yas qween.

(He goes in for a hug and kisses her on the cheek. She grimaces.)

VALERIE
Eoghan you need to shave. Guess we’re going!

EOGHAN
Guess we’re going. So I’ll see you...soon.

VALERIE
Yes! Very soon.

The make there way to a pedestrian crossing.

EOGHAN
Are you going this way?

VALERIE
No I was going to go...this way.

EOGHAN
Okay, I’m going...that way.

(EOGHAN gets beeped at by an approaching car on his way
across the road. He continues to walk at an uncomfortably
brisk pace, parallel to VALERIE. The jazz score starts up
again.)

EXT. DAME ST - DAY
(EOGHAN is walking as fast as he can without running,
glancing down at his phone.)

EOGHAN
Hi Ali, yeah I’ll be there really soon, I’m on my way, there’s just so many people on the street and so much traffic on the pavement. Okay bye.

(He hangs up and in a flurry of dramatic anger flings his phone into the street. It bounces off a bus passing by and hits him solidly in the face. His nose begins to bleed profusely. He glances back at the bus to see VALERIE peering out the back window cackling.)

EOGHAN
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

INT. STUDIO - AFTERNOON
(The jazz score slows down. EOGHAN stands in the studio
lights. A CASTING DIRECTOR in her 30s with a short bob sits at a monitor and watches.)

EOGHAN

My name is Eoghan McQuinn. I’m 27 years old.
Like, literally just turned 27 and uh...yeah, I haven’t appeared in
any films or television or commercials in the
past...2 years. Which is a GOOD thing. Well, probably more than two years but... And eh...yeah! Like, I’m sorry if I’m a bit crap today, I actually have a cold, which caused all that...bleeding earlier...

CASTING DIRECTOR

Oh. Okay, no problem. So in your own time, you wanna go for one?

(EOGHAN’s face lights up manically. Some blood has leaked into his mouth and stained his teeth red, giving his forced smile an extra psychotic look.)


EOGHAN
This Easter at YOLO, we’ve got a few treats in store...we’re offering 300 minutes talk to any network, and..(sighs)...sorry, Ali, I just...my mind went blank.

CASTING DIRECTOR
Okay, don’t worry.

EOGHAN
Sorry. Probably due to the blandness of the script.

CASTING DIRECTOR
It’s okay, listen, it happens to everybody.

EOGHAN
(Impatiently)
Yeah, I’m sure you don’t cast them when it DOES happen though, do you?

(The CASTING DIRECTOR gives him a side eye.)

INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON
(A conservative looking middle-aged female INTERVIEWER sits
behind a desk opposite VALERIE, looking through her CV. In
the background of the office we see a poster with the words
"The Compassionate Company" and a sad looking dog on it.)

INTERVIEWER

So your main experience is in
retail. (Sighs) Barely counts as any experience at all. (Snippish)Tell me about that.


VALERIE

Torture. Never want to go back. I
have never dealt with such miserable, petty individuals.
Couldn't understand the complexity of a strictly no refunds policy.
They would rob you no problem if you turned your back for a second.
That was just my colleagues.


INTERVIEWER
Right. And do you have any
experience with charity collection?

VALERIE

Actually, now that you mention it.

FLASHBACK:

EXT. GRAFTON STREET - DAY
(VALERIE with a clipboard, wearing sunglasses and looking
important. She engages in lively conversation with
passersby. She rattles her collection box. She is clearly approaching people with lots of
energy and is eager to get across the fundamentals of her
cause. People are signing up on the dotted line.
Eventually, we approach from a POV angle and a voice says:)

VOICE:

Excuse me, what charity is that you’re
collecting for?

(VALERIE looks nonplussed, after a beat she replies.)

VALERIE
Charity? What charity?

(Sound muted. VALERIE is handcuffed from POV and clearly puts up a massive struggle.)

FLASHFORWARD:

INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON

VALERIE

So I guess, in a sense I am very good at approaching people.
I have a degree in Drama so I’m quite confident and outgoing...like even tonight I am going out again. Workmans...at 8...if you wanted to come or...there might be a cheeky cocktail in it for you. You look like you could do with a sex on the beach missy (winks at interviewer)


INTERVIEWER
(Ignores wink. Rapidly trying to change subject.)
Yes you studied at Trinity, hmmm.
(Looking at cv, tuts)
For this position we require a 2.2 in a
Business-related Degree or 200 points in
the Leaving Cert.

VALERIE
Or. You said ‘or’. Don’t you mean “and”?

INTERVIEWER

Either would do.

VALERIE

Right well I actually got 570
points, so...

INTERVIEWER

Yes but you have a drama degree so that kind of cancels it out.
It’s kind of like when someone falls and hits their head quite badly. They
need to relearn things. Can you tell me, what is your greatest
fault?

VALERIE
(Going red with anger. Through gritted teeth.)
Well, sometimes I tend to hold back.

INTERVIEWER
Can you give me an example?

VALERIE

My pleasure. (Gives the INTERVIEWER the once over.)
Like, what’s going on with your hair? Did you not realise you had
an interview this morning or were you trying to make me feel at ease
by looking like a small furry animal?

(VALERIE smiles sweetly. INTERVIEWER sighs in disappointment and offense.)

INTERVIEWER

Right well I have to say this has
been a pretty appalling interview.

But since no one else applied,
you’re hired. And starting
immediately! Because we will need you right away to do as much training as possible. You require a lot more than we usually provide.

VALERIE
(Hollers with delight)
Yes, default! Never lets me down.
 (Reaches out to shake the INTERVIEWER's hand who looks at her blankly. Lowers hand. Goes to exit but pauses before reaching the door. She leans in close to the INTERVIEWER.)

And, just so you know. From a friend to a friend. Peter Mark have a great deal going at the moment. They will sort out your hair and eyebrows for the price of one. Two birds, one stone. Or in your case, more like two large owls, one well needed rock.
(Squeezes INTERVIEWER's shoulder and leaves)

Interview 
(Blessing herself)
It’s going to be a long, hard winter.

INT. STUDIO - AFTERNOON

CASTING DIRECTOR
Okay. Why don’t you just do it again in your own time, Eoghan?

EOGHAN

Okay...em..Well, if it was on MY time, I would never have scheduled an audition at lunchtime. When people are hungry, practically starving and distracted....but, let's go for one...

(Does a dramatic pirhoutte, smiling manically)

This Easter at YOLO, we’ve got a few treats in store...we’re offering 300 minutes talk to any network and free calls to other YOLO customers, all for €20 a month, only at YOLO. 

(His stomach growls dramatically at the end)

CASTING DIRECTOR
Great! Excellent. Well done, thank you for coming in.

EOGHAN
Thank you, Ali! Thanks for having me, I really appreciate your efforts, even though, the conditions could have been better.

(She shows him to the door.)

EOGHAN
Really appreciate you seeing me again and eh...sorry again for being late.

(An awkward pause. She holds the door open, waiting for him to leave.)

EOGHAN
You let me know, won’t you?

CASTING DIRECTOR
Know? With you, it will be all about the no. 

(EOGHAN smiles blankly. Notices a basket of fruit beside her, takes an apple and bites into it. As he does this, his nose begins to trickle blood again.)

We will yeah. Absolutely.

EOGHAN
You have my number. You have my agent’s number?

CASTING DIRECTOR
Yeah for sure.

EOGHAN
Okay. And if neither of us picks up straight away. Don’t worry. It’s not that we’re in bed or that the number has been disconnected or anything but I’ll be at another audition. I’m in hot demand you know. I barely have time these days to choose which ad I want to be in...thats why I was late actually. In another ad.

CASTING DIRECTOR
Oh...really...what ad? You didn’t mention it on your cv.

EOGHAN
Secrets, secrets, confidentiality and all that. They’re very particular with not telling people with those high budget, global ads, you know?

(CASTING DIRECTOR does not look convinced. EOGHAN breaks into a cheesy smile and holds out his hand. She shakes it reluctantly.)

CASTING DIRECTOR
Oh! Thank you. Okay, take care. Alright then.

(He finally leaves and she closes the door over. She widens her eyes, somewhat embarrassed, and walks back to the desk. An intern taps away on her laptop in the corner of the room. She notices a trail of blood on the floor.)

CASTING DIRECTOR
Let’s take five, will we?

NT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
(EOGHAN lies with his head on MARLON's lap on the couch,
gazing blankly at the TV.)

EOGHAN

Still haven’t heard back from that
audition.

MARLON

It’s been a week let it go. Didn’t
you say the call-back was supposed
to be on Wednesday?

EOGHAN

Oh yeah. Shit. But, some people are so good, they get to skip callbacks.

MARLON
I’m hungry.

EOGHAN
You should probably eat something
then.

MARLON
Yeah.

(MARLON gets up and leaves EOGHAN to slump back. MARLON goes
to open the fridge and stares morosely.)

11.

MARLON

So sick of all this shite.
Hey...I’ve got an idea.
How about...YOU make the dinner this time? Sound fun?

EOGHAN
I make the dinner!

MARLON
Oh please--

EOGHAN
I do!

(EOGHAN’s phone rings. He answers.)

EOGHAN

Helloooo.

EXT. CLONAKILTY BEACH - CONTINUOUS
(VALERIE is shuffling along the shoreline, a dark cloud
behind her.)

VALERIE
Hey bitch. Look, I got the chugging job.

EOGHAN
Really? Wow...imagine that. You, employable.

VALERIE
Ya I know. So here’s the thing I need somewhere to stay before I find a place in Dublin. Can I stay with you guys for a few nights?

EOGHAN
Sure!

VALERIE
I’ve got to get out of this fuckin’ hole. I swear. My
parents are timing my showers...and you know I don’t take
many showers Eoghan.

(A large amount of seaweed flies into Valerie’s face and she
doesn’t notice.)

EOGHAN
Yeah cos it’s bad for the
environment.

VALERIE

The environment? Oh ya...that...I love all that.
Jesus Christ, it’s like being in a convent here Eoghan.
Except worse, cos there’s men. You
know I don’t like men, Eoghan. 

EOGHAN
But Valerie, we’re men, like. Won’t you feel uncomfortable around us?

VALERIE

Huh? (she snorts) Eoghan, you’re the femininity my
mother wishes I was born with. Here, I can’t talk all day. I know you’ve all day but I’ve gotta do stuff, okay? I’ve got...I think some crab fishing’s going on over there and I’ve always wanted to try it. I know I’ll excel. Alright, see ya

EOGHAN
Okay...eh...see you then?

(EOGHAN hangs up and looks shiftily at MARLON.)

MARLON

What did you just agree to?

EOGHAN

Eh, Valerie is going to come stay for a few nights.

MARLON
How many nights is a few?

EOGHAN
Like, three? I don’t know.

MARLON
So fucking typical. You can’t just arrange shit without asking me
first.

EOGHAN
Well I can tell her not come if you’d like.

MARLON
Please. Then I’m the bad guy.

EOGHAN
I can make up an excuse.

13.

MARLON

I just wish you weren’t like this.
You always just act without thinking.
One of these days you’re going to get a reality check.

EOGHAN

Well...hopefully not any time soon.

MARLON

You can make the chicken.

(MARLON leaves the room, EOGHAN slowly picks himself up off
the couch and drags himself to the kitchen. He takes the
chicken fillets out and notices his reflection. He holds the two chicken fillets up to his chest, as though they are breasts. One falls onto the floor with a load splat. The jazz score
slowly starts up again and we cut to black.)

EPISODE TWO: COYPIG

INT. BATHROOM - DAY
(We see MARLON lathering himself behind the steamed up door of the shower. Without warning, VALERIE barges in and goes directly to sit on the toilet. She doesn’t even acknowledge the nude man in front of her. MARLON turns around and notices VALERIE and lets out a shrill, bloodcurdling 'Psycho'-esque scream. VALERIE doesn't bat an eyelid.)

MARLON:
What are you doing? Get out!

VALERIE
(Drily)
Are you really just going to stand there, having a shower when I am clearly using the bathroom?

MARLON
What? I was here first! GET OUT!

(VALERIE stares at him for a beat, then sighs heavily. MARLON watches in disbelief as she leaves.)

INT. HALLWAY - DAY
(VALERIE stops at the bedroom door, where EOGHAN is dozing face down. VALERIE rouses him in a sing-songy voice.)

VALERIE
Eoghaaaan.

(He stirs, opens his eyes, squinting at her.)

VALERIE
Good afternoon. How’d you like my outfit?

(VALERIE is wearing a plain blouse with a stain on it, two coats and an oddly large shawl.)

EOGHAN
Leaves a lot to be desired.

(Beat.)

Hang on. Is that the blanket from the couch?

(VALERIE smiles.)

EOGHAN
Just saying you could do with revamping your wardrobe. You used to be trendy, Val.

VALERIE
I’m still trendy! I wear all the latest brands. Gap, Next, Repeal the 8th. 

(EOGHAN bursts into laughter.)

I'm glad we're on the same page. It's nice to get a little light and love after I experienced such vile coldness from your lesser half.

EOGHAN
Marlon...what? (Dawning on him.) 
Did you just walk in on him in the shower?

VALERIE:
Or did he start showering when I was walking through the bathroom?

EOGHAN
VALERIE! You can't just do that!

VALERIE
I'm late for my morning coffees from every different Dublin cafe routine. I will see you later.

(VALERIE leans in, EOGHAN is horrified and doesn’t believe what’s about to happen. She kisses him on the lips.)

EOGHAN
What the fuck was that?

VALERIE
Eoghan you’re supposed to turn your fucking cheek. What am I supposed to do, like, alter my behaviour? Maybe it's time for you to adapt and not everybody else for once. Get rid of your linear thinking and reluctance to change, will ya? My mother can do it, so you can turn your fucking cheek. Like I know you’re on social welfare but you’re not a basket case.

(VALERIE turns to go to the front door, bumps into MARLON wearing only a towel as he leaves the bathroom.)

VALERIE
Oh. Sorry.

(MARLON just scowls and brushes ​past her. She shuts the bedroom door behind her and the towel gets caught, leaving MARLON exposed. MARLON stands dejectedly and stares at EOGHAN.)

MARLON
How long is she staying again? 

(VALERIE is heard cackling loudly as she exits the flat. Cut to sequence of VALERIE working as a charity chugger on Grafton Street. She does a variety of inappropriate things, including coming onto people who have donated money, trying to hold people's mobile phones as they look heavy, screaming at people for walking too close to her claiming it's harassment in the workplace and stealing somebody's bike so that she can relate to them and get on their level.)


INT. living room - Morning

(MARLON enters the room bleary eyed. He sees VALERIE sitting at the kitchen table in silence. Not on her phone or laptop or eating. Just sitting doing nothing. He approaches her, getting closer and closer to the back of her head. She doesn't look around, speak or acknowledge him in any way. Eventually he reaches where her face should be and it's just more hair. There is a music jump at this point and she is wearing her glasses over her hair.)

MARLON

Jesus!

(Jump cut back to VALERIE with her face where it should be.)

VALERIE

What?

MARLON

Hair.

VALERIE:
Ya, your hair is kind of messy.

MARLON 
No, not mine. Your hair, not mine...hair. Mein herr.

VALERIE:
What?

MARLON:
Nothing. Where's Eoghan?

(Marlon fills the kettle and switches it on.)

VALERIE

Job interviews. I gave him a good kick up the arse. Someone had to.

MARLON

Well...good. And what about you? Are you working today?

VALERIE

Me? Nooo. It's my day-off.

MARLON

Oh right. Any plans?

VALERIE

I don't make plans, Marlon. I live in the present moment. Maybe you should try it some time. Maybe you wouldn't look so old if you did. Old. Old and ugly.

(MARLON is not impressed. The kettle comes to a loud boiling point in the background.)

VALERIE
(Squinting dramatically.)
By the way, have you seen my glasses anywhere? I was watching Stanger Things earlier and I couldn;t tell which one was Winona Ryder.

(MARLON shrugs.)

But I hear she steals the show.

(VALERIE smiles manically.)

INT. OFFICE - day

INTERVIEWER #1

There's a huge gap on your CV. What have you been doing with yourself?

EOGHAN

Oh, yes. I was traveling. Backpacking through Europe. Saw the world.

INTERVIEWER #1

For a whole year.

EOGHAN

Yeah I just...saved up loads and off I went.

INTERVIEWER #1

You saved up? (referring to CV)
From your part time job in WHSmith? Where did you go?

EOGHAN

Oh Prague, Czech Republic, Austria...Luxembourg, among others. I feel like I can bring my newfound wisdom to the job. The world was my lobster.

INTERVIEWER #1

Luxembourg, really? Did you visit the statue of Maria L'Heureux?

EOGHAN

Yeah, got a selfie with her.

INTERVIEWER #1

There's no such thing. That's made up.

(A beat.)

EOGHAN
No, no, selfie is a term that has entered the popular lexicon recently. It means self portrait. Taken on an iphone.

(The interviewer looks at him in pointed confusion.)

EOGHAN
Iphones are like...a modern medley of phone and internet with a camera. 

(EOGHAN looks very self satisfied.)

INT. TECH OFFICE - DAY

YOUNG I.T. GUY

Why do you wanna work at Nano Solutions?

EOGHAN

I love computers. Like I spend about 10 hours a day on them. I have an iPhone so I'm pretty tech-savvy.

YOUNG I.T. GUY

So does everyone. What kind of coding are you familiar with?

EOGHAN

What do you mean?

YOUNG I.T. GUY

Like PHP, Python, JavaScript?

EOGHAN

JavaScript? Well I like coffee and I like writing so I'm sure I can adapt. I'm a very quick learner.

(I.T. guy is unimpressed.)

EOGHAN

And I'm really into nerdy guys. You seem to have it. Get it. I-T...because you're IT...like you have I-T.

(EOGHAN reaches out and clicks the I.T. guy's mouse.)

INT. pub - day

(EOGHAN is sitting in an empty pub with an older, disinterested-looking BARMAN.)

EOGHAN

So yeah I know PHP, Python, Javascript. I really like to be at the forefront of I.T. development.

BARMAN

Not really relevant here son.

EOGHAN

Like I can program your till computers and do your social media, using my iphone.

BARMAN

I just need someone to pull pints, wash glasses, clean the toilets.

(EOGHAN looks horrified.)

EOGHAN

Oh, god. Yeah good luck with that.

(He gets up and backs out of the room slowly, maintaining very strong eye contact.)

INT.  KITCHEN - DAY

(VALERIE watches as MARLON stirs a tea bag and leaves it on the sink.)

VALERIE

Don't do that. It'll stain. Need to put them in a compost bin.

MARLON

Oh...thanks... yeah you're right.

(VALERIE brusquely pushes past MARLON to demonstrate how to throw the teabag into the compost bin and using a knife she accidentally flings it against the wall, staining the white wall.)

VALERIE
(Looking at MARLON blankly.)
You better get cleaning.

(MARLON quickly cleans up, then adds milk to his cup and sits down at the table to take a sip of his tea. He switches on the TV.)

VALERIE
(Gaping at him in disgust.)
Slurping is such an unseemly habit.

MARLON

Yeah, well, so is commenting on every little thing. I'll do what I want in my own home, thanks.

VALERIE

Well this is my home too now. I'm contributing. So I expect certain standards.

MARLON

Valerie you pay 30 euro..

VALERIE

Blasphemy. 32.50. And every month. Not just once off.

MARLON

That barely covers the gas bill. In fact it's already passed that this month since you leave it on all the time.

VALERIE

Is it my fault you picked a top floor apartment so close to the wind that it's bound to be fucking freezing?

MARLON

Just don't get too comfortable. Three's a crowd, you know? Have you been looking for another place?

VALERIE

Oh, honey please, it's a fucking minefield out there. You can pay 500 euro and still end up sharing a room with several people in a basement flat in Marino. Then you have weirdos asking for a 'deposit' upfront and you might never get the keys to the place. It's important to live with people you can trust.

MARLON

Yeah, trust is important. Speaking of which, have you seen my crunch corners by any chance? They all appear to have gone mysteriously missing.

VALERIE
Oh my god, Marlon, please, everybody knows condiments are communal.

MARLON
Since when are yoghurts condiments?

VALERIE

Seriously? Marlon...darling...I know you may feel...insecure around a woman of such grace, beauty and intellect but...don't worry, I won't steal Eoghan.

MARLON

What?! I didn't think-

VALERIE
(Suddenly deadpan.)
I mean, I could if I wanted to. I could just take him. He and I have a connection that transcends the merely physical one that (gives MARLON the once over) you two have.

MARLON
(Snaps)
Just find your own place, okay? This is temporary.

VALERIE

Nothing is truly temporary. What we do in life, echoes in eternity. (begins echoing the word eternity until eventually she is just whispering 'titties'.)

(Pause. VALERIE waits for his reaction.)


VALERIE

Not just a pretty face.

MARLON

Have you been watching Gladiator?

VALERIE

Netflix. Fuckin' love Russell Crowe.

MARLON

Russell Crowe? Ya...I like him. But what do you think about Joaquin Phoenix? I thought his performance was-

(VALERIE puts a finger to MARLON's lips, promptly cutting him off.)

VALERIE

You had me at Russell Croooowe.

                                   CUT TO:

(MARLON sitting on the couch, watching TV. Valerie walks in from the kitchen with a cup of tea and grabs the remote to change the channel. MARLON slowly turns his head, disgusted.)

MARLON

I was watching that.

VALERIE

Oh my dear, Exposé kills your braincells. And you need the precious three that you have. (Valerie flicks channel.) Ah, this is way more like it. Big Brother. For the intellectuals amongst us. Orwell never looked so good.

MARLON

I don't give a fuck.

(Marlon grabs the remote control again to change it back. The front door unlocks and closes. Eoghan enters the room. VALERIE and MARLON slowly turn their heads towards him to reveal gigantic , strained smiles.)

VALERIE

Darling! You're home! Any luck? How did you get on.

MARLON

Yeah how were the interviews?

VALERIE
(Shouting aggressively.)
Ya, I think I just fucking said that Marlon. What are you? A fucking parrot?
(Immediately sweet again.)
Darling, how were the interviews?

EOGHAN

Not great...

(Valerie bursts into loud cackling.)

EOGHAN
Valerie! How did you know I was joking?

VALERIE
(Immediately stops laughing.)
I didn't. I didn't know that you were joking.

(Eoghan looks confused.)

EOGHAN

Anyway... I got it! Going to work with Deco's establishment, as a purveyor of fine wines and cuisine.

MARLON

No way! That's fantastic. How come you didn't tell me you had interviews lined up?

EOGHAN

I wanted it to be a surprise baby.

(MARLON and EOGHAN hug. VALERIE gruffly snatches the remote from MARLON's hands and starts turning the tv up.)

VALERIE
​Well he told me. Get a room bus-boy, mine is taken.

EPISODE THREE ’Shot to the Head’
        
1 INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

(VALERIE and EOGHAN sit at the kitchen table. VALERIE is
eating an omelette, EOGHAN is staring into the distance,
weeping silently.)
Pause.

          VALERIE
Eoghan, to be honest, you were
never right for each other.

          EOGHAN
What, do you really think that?

          VALERIE
I have always thought that.

          EOGHAN
Well, why didn’t you tell me?!

          VALERIE
I thought I did?

          EOGHAN
No, you even gave a glowing
speech as Maid of Honour at our
wedding. You cried and said you
wished you were marrying Marlon.

          VALERIE
Ya, but there were over a hundred
people at that wedding and you
know I’ll say anything for fame.

          EOGHAN
What? Valerie, that’s terrible.

          VALERIE
Sure, I even slipped my headshot
into the songbooks at the actual
mass.

          EOGHAN
I was wondering why Grand Aunt
Margaret showed me a photo of you
at the reception and asked me
were you a disciple sent from
Jesus.

          VALERIE
Who says I amn’t?

          EOGHAN
Anyway, we had a perfectly
healthy relationship until you
came along and imposed yourself
on us.

          VALERIE
Eoghan, I am more like an
extremely effective catalyst than
a cause. You should be thanking
me for exposing myself to you.

          EOGHAN
     (Disregarding what she
     said.)
He’s going to come around. I know
that when he hits the mean,
uneven streets of Smithfield and
the roughians round there aren’t
as receptive of his ego, he is
going to realize how good he had
it and come running back.

          VALERIE
Good riddance.

          EOGHAN
Now, there remains the problem of
the rent. There’s only two of us.

          VALERIE
I’m sure you’ll pull it together.

          EOGHAN
No! We will. You should have
loads saved from your chugging
job? Sure, what have you been
spending it on?

          VALERIE
Well, you see, that’s just it.
There’s no ’it’ to spend in the
first place.

          EOGHAN
What? Since when?

          VALERIE
Last week.

          EOGHAN
What? Why didn’t you tell me?

          VALERIE
I barely saw you.

          EOGHAN
We live together.

          VALERIE
Ya, but I had other engagements
like my Netflix shows.

2.
                            EOGHAN
                  What happened?!

                            VALERIE
                  I just found out about some
                  sordid behavior by my superiors.
                  

2 EXT. GRAFTON STREET - DAY
CUT TO:
        (VALERIE looking authoritatively through leaflets of
        charity.)

                            VALERIE
                  Sponsored by Milano’s? Ew, their
                  service is appalling.

3 EXT. RIVER - DAY

       ( VALERIE dramatically flings her yellow coat into a river
        nearby. Back to modern day.)
4 INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
                           
EOGHAN
                  Oh my God, Valerie. How can you
                  just quit? That’s so
                  irresponsible of you.

                            VALERIE
                  Some day Eoghan, when you’re a
                  little more mature, you too will
                  develop principles and fight for
                  your cause.

                            EOGHAN
                  Well, how the fuck are we going
to pay rent?

                            VALERIE
                  That’s your problem Eoghan. You
                  have completely caused this
                  economic strain. It’s not my
                  fault you were too useless to
                  keep a man.

                            EOGHAN
                  Valerie, this is OUR problem. We
                  need to produce 1200 in a
                  fortnight or we’ll be homeless.
3.

          VALERIE
Why do you have to be so negative
Eoghan? Why do you have to say
homeless...why can’t you say Al
Fresco?

          EOGHAN
Delusional...

          VALERIE
How the fuck did you ever get through a theatre degree Eoghan?
You’re so fucking rigid in your thinking. My professors always
promoted critical thinking and it’s the way you think that
counts. You say homeless, I say nomadic lifestyle choice. You say
lose your life savings, I say research for a role. You say soup
kitchen, I say exploring the cuisine of the proletariat.
       
  EOGHAN
Valerie neither of us got through
our theatre degrees, we dropped
out.
     
    VALERIE
There you go again, focusing on the negative. If we had this same
argument out in public we could call it street theatre! Our
bickering would serve a cultural purpose.
     
    EOGHAN
Oh, we would get into plenty of
arguments. But-NO! You need to
get a job ASAP. Where’s your
fucking resume?

VALERIE
Resume?

          EOGHAN
Your list of former failings.
 
        VALERIE
Oh, you mean cv.

          EOGHAN
Yeah, whatever.

          VALERIE
I don’t have one. Charity chuggers was my first job and
 they said ’don’t even dream of asking for a reference’ after I
  called them a shower of corporate
   sell-outs.
               
            EOGHAN
 Right, we will have to lie on your resume, put me as a
  babysitting reference but, in the meantime, we need to CUT BACK.
                  

VALERIE
(Bursts into laughter.)
You do need to cut your hair though.

        (Cue montage sequence of Eoghan and Valerie scrimping and
        saving.)
5 INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Putting on more and more layers of clothes.
6 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Wearing each others clothes for variation.
7 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT *Sleeping in clothes.
8 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
  (Eoghan continually tells Valerie not to put the radiator
        on. Horror sequence in which Eoghan has sellotaped over
        the button, permanently disabling her from putting it on.
9 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Valerie makes dinner.
                            EOGHAN
                  Valerie, this is just a bowl of
hot water.
                            VALERIE
                  It’s noodles without the carbs.
                  Who knew that this economic
                  crisis would supplement our diet
                  so well?
5.
10 EXT. SMITFIELD LUAS STOP - DAY
        Valerie convinces Eoghan to discontinue his monthly leap
        card purchases and tells him that they should avail of the
        free governmental transport while they can. They are seen
        to be continuously getting on the luas, Valerie thinks
        that the ticket machines are video games.
                            VALERIE
                  Jeez. It’s fantastic that they
                  have those arcade games to
                  entertain people as they wait.
                  All they have in Cork are
                  overpriced buses.
                            EOGHAN
                  I think we deserve a treat after
                  all of our hard work.
11 INT. CINEWORLD - NIGHT
        They go to the cinema. They only buy one ticket and use it
        twice. They collect the half-empty boxes of popcorn
        afterwards. The usher comes up and thanks them for helping
        her. She extends a bin bag, expecting them to throw the
        popcorn inside. Valerie takes the bin bag from her.
                            VALERIE
                  Sure, we’ll get rid of that as
                  well. Nobody likes a
                  half-finished job. NO NEED TO
                  THANK US.
        Valerie and Eoghan peg it past the front desk with the bag
        full of food.
12 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
        Eoghan rings his acting agent, desperately looking for
        work.
                            EOGHAN
                  Fionnuala, this is ridiculous. It
                  has been six weeks now and
                  nothing. I’m not picky at all,
                  I’ll take anything for goodness
                  sake. I’ll do profit-share,
                  spoken word, and, jeez, I never
                  thought I would say it, I will
                  even REVIEW shows if it pays.
                  Under a pseudonym of course, I
                  still have some dignity.
6.
                    AGENT’S VOICE
          Yes, Eoghan. I know it has been
          quite a while but I told you
          months ago that you need to
          update your headshot. I simply
          can’t submit you for anything
          else until you do.
                    EOGHAN
          Oh, for God sake, Fionnuala. So,
          it’s a little bit off. I can’t
          afford a new headshot right now.
                    AGENT’S VOICE
          A little bit off? The headshot is
          eight years old Eoghan.
                    EOGHAN
          Yeah, so? Fionnuala, I look the
          exact same as I did eight years
          ago.
                    AGENT’S VOICE
          No, no, not eight years ago. It’s
          eight years old. You’re eight
          years old in the photo. People
          keep requesting you for parental
          safety videos. And when I tell
          them that you’re twenty seven,
          they block me. SORT IT OUT
          immediately Eoghan or I’m going
          to have to let you go.
                    EOGHAN
          So a few drama queens blocked
          you...hello? Hello? Fionnuala.
A loud dial tone is heard. Eoghan runs to find Valerie.
                    EOGHAN
          Valerie, I need a new headshot
          immediately. My agent is going to
          drop me. Thank God, we are in the
          green this month.
                    VALERIE
               (Looking uncomfortable)
          No, we’re not.
                    EOGHAN
          Ya, we are...
Eoghan spots a large tv in the room.
                    EOGHAN
          Where did that come from?
7.
                    VALERIE
          It benefits both of us. The HDMI
          will allow us to watch Netflix
          but now it’s SO MUCH BIGGER.
Eoghan screams.
                    VALERIE
          Anyway Eoghan, you can easily
          source a headshot on facebook
          these days.
She brandishes her laptop towards Eoghan. Eoghan
feverishly begins searching through it.
He gasps.
          EOGHAN
All of my best pics were taken by
Marlon, so I’ll just check his
page.
          VALERIE
What? Did he delete them? How
sad!
          EOGHAN
No...no. It says he’s in a
relationship.
          VALERIE
God, he still hasn’t changed
that? How sad!
          EOGHAN
No...with somebody else.
          VALERIE
That’s terrible. He’s a fucking
prick. How insensitive. Some
people have no respect.
          EOGHAN
Oh my god...look at these
pictures. Who is this guy?
          VALERIE
He’s beautiful. Wow. I mean, not
into dudes...but anyone would
find him irresistible. Look at
those eyes. Those lips. Mmm.
          EOGHAN
Jesus...he’s moved on just like
that. *snaps* The gay scene is so
superficial.
8.
                    VALERIE
          The gay scene...or is it just
you, Eoghan?
Cut to later. They drink cups of tea and there are many
empty cups around them. Eoghan is bawling. Valerie has her
arm around him. Valerie comforts Eoghan by pointing out
all of Marlon’s faults.
                    VALERIE
          He was fucking fat Eoghan.
                    EOGHAN
          No he wasn’t Val. We both tried
          to wear the clothes he left
          behind him and neither of us fit
          into them.
                    VALERIE
          Ya, but that’s coz we’re fat too
          but we wear it well. Anyway, he
          was thick Eoghan, you could
          barely have a conversation with
          him.
                    EOGHAN
          That’s not true. Valerie, he has
          two degrees and a Masters, we
          don’t even have a degree between
          us.
                    VALERIE
          Eoghan, the world these days is
          so accessible that only a fucking
          plank would pay to go to college
          to be told something that they
          already know. His degrees are
          proof of his stupidity and Master
          of what? Sure, another thing,
          wasn’t he always mastering
          himself to Nicki Minaj a trois?
          That’s just fucking indecent
          like. I’ll never look at a
          croissant the same way again.
                    EOGHAN
          I suppose he was kind of hairy.
                    VALERIE
          Kind of? I thought you had a dog
          with the amount of hair I found
          dotted around the gaff.
Eoghan’s phone rings.
9.
EOGHAN
Hello?
He looks panicked. Mouths a name to Valerie. Valerie looks
perplexed.
                    EOGHAN
          Hello Janine, our lovely
          LANDLORD. (Looks pointedly at
          Valerie)
                    EOGHAN
          Notice? Have I noticed what? The
          leaves? What leaves...we don’t
          have any trees about so I may
          have missed...oh..OH. Notice to
          leave. (Looks panicked at
          Valerie)
Valerie picks up a leaf off the ground.
                    VALERIE
          Look, a leave. I noticed a leave
          Eoghan, you need to fucking
          hoover.
                    EOGHAN
          Yes, yes, I am surprised. I’m
          very surprised indeed. Ya, I
          know..I know we missed this
          month’s rent payment but the
          thing about it is, I was just
          going to give you a call to
          explain...Ya, with my job...ya,
          there was a payroll fuck
          up...sorry that’s a bit vulgar, I
          sound like a delinquent. There
          was a monetary exchange fuck-up
          and so they didn’t pay me in
          time...so I...ya, ya I completely
          understand. We will have it to
          you by Friday. No no, not this
          Friday. A Friday...soon. No, no
          I’m not going to specify. I find
          that crass. Hello?
(Eoghan puts the phone down and looks gaunt.)
                    VALERIE
          What Eoghan? Fucking what is it?
                    EOGHAN
          We have five days to pay rent
          with 50% interest per day or we
          have to leave.
10.
                            VALERIE
                  Oh fuck Eoghan. (Suddenly
                  frantic.) STOP FUCKING PANICKING
                  EOGHAN, YOU’RE PANICKING ME!
                            EOGHAN
                  Jesus, shut up Val. Get on The
                  Ideal Flatmate, we need to
                  advertise for a new flatmates.
        Cue montage of potential new flatmates.
13 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
        A serous looking guy with a leather jacket and a pony tail
        sit in front of them on the couch.
                            VALERIE
                  So tell me about your past-times?
                            LEATHER JACKET GUY
                  Well, I collect stamps. I’m into
                  death metal. And I’m a member of
                  a club that is trying to
                  eradicate fags.
                            VALERIE
                  I completely understand, I hate
                  cigarettes myself and feel they
                  should all be banned.
                            LEATHER JACKET GUY
                  No, the fucking Queens.
                            EOGHAN
                  Ugh. I’ve also got a strong
                  dislike of the monarchy. I think
                  Brexit is a good thing,
                  ultimately.
                            LEATHER JACKET GUY
                  HOMOSEXUALS.
                            VALERIE
                  Well, we don’t usually tell
                  people right off the bat.
                             EOGHAN
                  Ya, some people can be quite put
                  off. Would you believe some
                  people want to get rid of
                  homosexuals? I mean how dull
                  would that be?
        Leather jacket guy screams in anger, looks as though he
        might thump them, hyperventilates.
11.
                            LEATHER
                  Gays are a crime against nature.
                  They will wipe themselves out
                  with their sinful ways. You best
                  stay away from the children.
                            EOGHAN
                  I fucking hate children.
        Leather jacket guy disappears from the room in a rage.
                            VALERIE
                  What the fuck was his problem?
                            EOGHAN
                  Don’t know. He was clearly
                  sexually frustrated.
                            VALERIE
                  Ya, he needs to get down to the
                  George and get himself a ride.
14 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
A furtive looking young dark haired woman enters the room.
                            KLEPTOMANIAC
                  Nice to meet you.
        She slithers out to shake both of their hands.
                            VALERIE
                  Wow, very formal. What a delight.
                            KLEPTOMANIAC
                  I am very respectful, yes.
                            VALERIE
                  Are you as respectful of people’s
                  things as you are of people?
                            EOGHAN
                  Ya, good question Val. We lived
                  with a fucking conceited,
                  selfish, ugly, fucking ugly prick
                  before who trampled all over
                  everything we held precious...
                            VALERIE
                  His ex-boyfriend.
                            KLEPTOMANIAC
                  Oh, I have the highest regard for
                  other people’s property and
                  valuables.
12.
                    VALERIE
          Wow, well you seem lovely. We
          have a few more people to meet
          today but this has been
          exceptional.
                    EOGHAN
          So be expecting a call from us.
Eoghan goes to get his phone from his pocket
                    EOGHAN
          Wait...wait...where the fuck is
          my phone? Have you seen my phone?
                    KLEPTOMANIAC
          I best be going.
She rapidly turns and Valerie’s watch falls out of his
pocket.
                    VALERIE
          That’s funny. We must be a match
          made in heaven because that looks
          just like my watch.
                    KLEPTOMANIAC
               (laughs nervously)
          Funny that. Let me grab that.
She bends over and Eoghan’s phone falls out of his pocket.
                    EOGHAN
          That’s my fucking phone!!
                    KLEPTOMANIAC
               (brandishing a bread knife)
          Stay back. Stay back or you
          fucking get it.
She runs, leaving EOGHAN and VALERIE gaping after her.
                    EOGHAN
          Oh my fucking GOD Valerie, that
was insane.
                    VALERIE
          Ya, what the fuck was her
          problem? Such a shame when he had
          such similar taste to us.
13.
15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Valerie and Eoghan sit dejectedly at the kitchen table,
completely dour-faced. They have all but given up.
                    VALERIE
          Jayziz, this has been an absolute
          day and a half.
                    EOGHAN
          Fucking tell me about it. I’m
          beginning to lose faith in
          humanity.
                    VALERIE
          That’s a bit sexist now Eoghan.
          No need to discriminate, there
          were women there too.
                    EOGHAN
          What do you mean?
                    VALERIE
          I’m beginning to lose faith in
          humanity and huWOMANity alike.
                    EOGHAN
               (Sighs.)
          You keep me young Valerie.
               (The doorbell rings.)
                    EOGHAN
          Who the fuck is that at this
hour?
          Well, we do have one more lady to
          see on the list.
                    EOGHAN
          At this hour?
                    VALERIE
          It’s only six pm Eoghan.
                    EOGHAN
          Jayziz, I don’t think I’ll make
          it through the night at this
          rate.
A stunningly attractive woman appears in the doorway. A
shrill, girlish scream is heard as the camera is on her.
Camera goes back to Eoghan and Valerie, Eoghan has his
hand to his mouth.
     VALERIE
(Checking their list.)
14.
                    VALERIE
          Jesus Eoghan, no need to shout.
Valerie peers at their list.
                    VALERIE
          Amanda Murphy?
                    AMANDA
          That’s me.
                    EOGHAN
          How the fuck did you get in here?
                    AMANDA
          Oh the door was open and I-
                    EOGHAN
          So, you thought you would just
          let yourself in here? I mean, I
          have met some of the rudest, most
          outlandish fucking idiots ever
          today but THAT really takes the
          biscuit-that’s fucking absurd,
          how dare you-
                    AMANDA
          Valerie texted me, telling me to
          let myself in and-
                    VALERIE
               (Brandishing her phone.)
          Follow the two female voices...
EOGHAN glares viciously at Valerie, plasters a false smile
on his face and turns back to Amanda, now speaking in a
measured, wavering tone.
                    EOGHAN
          Amanda, it’s an absolute pleasure
          to meet you. What do you do?
                    AMANDA
          I’m a psychiatrist.
                    EOGHAN
          Oh, how intriguing.
                    VALERIE
          Amanda said she was available to
          move in immediately and
          considering the circumstances
          offered to pay 45% of the rent
          and cover all utilities also.
15.
                    EOGHAN
          When can you move in?
                    AMANDA
          Actually, I can see that there is
          an obvious strain here and I
          don’t want to add to any tension
          already created. So, it might not
          be the best idea for me to move
          in after all.
                    EOGHAN
          I don’t see any strain. Do you
          see strain Val?
                    VALERIE
No.
                    EOGHAN
          There’s absolutely no strain
          whatsoever to be had in this
          calm, peaceful, serene, fucking
          ZEN apartment and you best move
          in immediately to ADD TO THE FENG
          SHUI.
                    AMANDA
               (Backing out slowly.)
          Still...honestly I don’t want to
          impose.
                    EOGHAN
          Strain? You can’t handle the
          strain. Show me the STRAIN. SHOW
          ME THE STRAINNNNNN!
Silence. Close up on Valerie.
                    VALERIE
          She’s gone Eoghan. She’s been
          gone for a few hours now. If you
          don’t mind...please put your
          clothes back on.
Zoom out. Eoghan is standing in his underwear on the
kitchen table , drinking a glass of red wine.
                    EOGHAN
               (Dejectedly)
          Femme fatale?
                    VALERIE
          This time after just one glass.
In bed, later.
16.
                    EOGHAN
          To think all those weeks ago, I
          was so hesitant to let you move
          in with me Valerie because I
          thought it would be awkward. How
          silly of me.
Valerie’s foot kicks Eoghan in the face.
                    EOGHAN
          She’s asleep. Or dead. Hopefully
the latter.
17.