OPENING CREDITS: BLACK
(We hear the sound of a plane landing and the pilot welcoming
passengers to Dublin. Jazz music underscores the opening
scenes, juxtaposed against the aggravated tone of the
INT. AIRPORT ARRIVALS - MORNING
(VALERIE, statuesque, mid-20s red-head with a permanent
scowl, steps through the sliding doors of the arrivals. Her
freckled cheekbones stand up to the scrutiny of the overhead
fluorescents as she casts around for a familiar face. She looks disgusted and audibly grimaces and snorts in disgust at passersby. She sits down with her luggage, sighs, whips out her phone, swipes to make a call.)
INT. EOGHAN’’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
(EOGHAN, a sallow-skinned 20-something with a mop of brown
hair, wakes up to the vibration of his phone, or rather, to
the sound of his irritated extremely well-built Filipino husband MARLON (lying
next to him in bed and nudging him with his elbow) alerting him to the incoming call.)
(Very deep voice)
What time is it?
(EOGHAN fumbles for the phone on his bedside locker.)
INT. AIRPORT ARRIVALS - CONTINUOUS
Hi Eoghan. Where the fuck are you?
(Very obviously feigned surprise)
(Aggressively mimicking Eoghan)
Ya! I am!
I thought you were coming in at elev- at uh...at half twelve...
You’re still in bed aren’t you?
INT. EOGHAN’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
No! I’m...I’m on my way, I...
I can tell you just woke up, your voice is cheery and full of hope, clearly you haven’t dragged down by the reality of your life yet.
Maybe? What? I am I supposed to just go back to Cork so, is it?
No no no! We have to have our coffee. Uh...do
you mind coming into the city centre?
Town, is it? There better be a fucking espresso or five in it for me.
Yeah, yeah, I’ll pay!
(Valerie hangs up and gets to her feet, tripping over one of her bags, breaking into an on the spot jog to cover it up. She looks around at the other people seated nearby.)
(Glares pointedly at them.)
What the fuck are you looking at? Yeah, I meant to do that. I meant to do that. God, some people…
(Carelessly shoulders people out of the way as she exits the airport.)
INT. EOGHAN’S KITCHEN - MORNING
(Eoghan sits at the table, slowly eating cornflakes from a
bowl, gazing melancholically into the middle-distance, while
Marlon scurries around in the background, packing his gym bag and
powdering his feet.)
We were room mates. Actually, everyone thought we were a couple.
Or we wanted them to think that...this is before we evolved and
"found ourselves". We kind of like Will & Grace.
Without the laughter.
Right. And where you meeting her?
Just this coffee place on the
Quays. Not many people know about it it’s our kind of our thing.
Oh, Java Hut? Eoghan, you can’t afford to eat out. You have to stop splurging.
God! Marlon! What if I don’t want to? What if I want to...you know...
You’ve got to stop acting like a "lady of
I do not.
I’m serious this time, okay? Alright look, I’m gonna go.
(MARLON throws a pink gym bag over his shoulder.)
Okay have a good day baby.
(EOGHAN gives MARLON a kiss before he exits.
See you. Love you!
(MARLON turns to exit and waves his hand half-heartedly. When he eventually leaves, EOGHAN opens a bedside closet and pulls out a wad of cash. He fans himself with the twenties like a geisha. The jazz score starts up again.)
EXT. WELLINGTON QUAY - MORNING
(EOGHAN jogs across Grattan bridge towards the coffee shop,
flustered and wrapping a scarf around his neck.)
INT. DWARF JAR - CONTINUOUS
(VALERIE sits in the window, watching Eoghan’s approach while
finishing a coffee. He loses his footing and almost slips into oncoming traffic but
stops himself at the last moment. Valerie cackles from the window. He eventually makes it through the door. She is still laughing maniacally when he enters.)
(EOGHAN hugs VALERIE tightly.)
Oh you make me laugh! God it was so funny when you just...fell into the...road.
(They sit down by the window.)
I forgot how much you make me laugh, Eoghan.
(She snorts, dragging out her laughter at his expense, while maintaining very strong eye contact.)
Fell into the street!
It’s not really funny, but…
Oh...goodness, you’ve cheered me up. I was having a bad morning!
Well, it’s nice to see you.
It is good to see me.
(VALERIE glances at her reflection in the cafe window, sucking in her cheeks. She takes a large swig from a plastic coffee cup. Her exuberance causes droplets of it to fly everywhere.)
Oh jesus that splashed in my face.
(She wipes away a fleck of coffee. Pauses Then licks it off her finger.)
Can I get you another one of those? It must be cold.
What are you on about? It’s piping. I just got it in Centra.
Did you not know you were coming here?
(Clearly missing his point.)
Ya I did. Didn’t you? You were the one who was late. God, pot, tea? Kettle is the new black?
(A stunning blond Adonis of a barista, with a top knot, approaches their table.)
Hi, what can I get you?
(VALERIE looks pensively at him.)
Get me? Oh I’m good. I just go this is in Centra.
(She puts the cup to her lips and slurps the last dregs for an unnaturally long time, while the two guys watch in disgusted silence. She finally finishes and holds the cup out to the barista.)
Throw that in the bin.
(The barista stands awkwardly.)
(He finally relents and she sighs, exasperated.)
Sorry about her. Um...what do you want?
I’ll actually...yeah, I’ll get an Americano.
An Americano. That’s funny...she just came from America and she’s getting an Americano.
(EOGHAN laughs jovially and the barista reciprocates.)
(Rolls eyes. Solemnly to barista.)
You don’t have to laugh at that.
What do I want...eh...I would like….what do I...want.
(EOGHAN scans the menu for what seems like an age.)
This isn’t fuckin’ Sophie’s Choice, Eoghan! (to barista) Some people are so inconsiderate...
Yeah...can I get a Decaf Cappucino, please?
(VALERIE looks incredulous. Begins to guffaw.)
So foam, basically? That’s funny, because you just came from the Irish Sea, didn’t you? Get it? (solemnly to barista) You DO have to laugh at that one. You do have to laugh.
Caffeine affects me, so.
Uh, I’ll bring them over.
(The barista goes back to his work station, EOGHAN throws a look back at him.)
(Squints at EOGHAN.)
(EOGHAN turns his head again.)
(The barista waves in acknowledgement.)
Thanks. Thank you for your service.
But more thanks and gratitude from me.
(The barista looks baffled.)
So...how was your flight?
Awhh fine! I don’t really want to talk about it. There were kids shouting in my ear the entire time.. Why do people have to have kids, you know? It’s just so arrogant.
God I know.
Awhh and then, and THEN we fuckin’ descended on the black cloud that is Ireland.
It’s pretty grim alright.
It is. But I won’t be here for long anyway. I’m only here for a few weeks and then my visa petition’s going to come through and I’ll be back in America as soon as I can. If I can survive my family in the meantime, like, it’s gonna be hard.
(A beat. EOGHAN looks forlorn. VALERIE waves her hand slowly in front of his face.)
So...how’ve YOU been?
Do you always have to be this confrontational? Jesus.
It’s a simple question, Eoghan.
(The barista arrives with the coffee. They don’t acknowledge
him but remain in a heated stare off.)
Well I’m fine. You know, keeping busy. So
much going on.
Absolutely fuck all. Fuck all, isn’t it? You’re doing fuck all.
(EOGHAN takes a packet of sugar and starts flipping it against the table. He rips the end and particles fly everywhere.)
Well not everyone gets to run
around New York doing plays and
telling their life story at the
Ya, some of us are turning into moths.
(Looks pointedly at a hole in EOGHAN’s jumper)
Made that one yourself did you?
Come on. You must be doing something.
Sleeping. Eating. Scrolling and scrolling all day...
(EOGHAN takes a sip of his coffee.)
Oh god Eoghan, you’ve
gone to the dark side again, haven’t you?
(Burns tongue. With a lisp.)
I’m just living my truth okay?
Is that what they call the social welfare in Swords?
Seriously, you have got to stop acting like
you’re gonna die at 30.
How do you know I won’t?
It’s not very fashionable Eoghan. At least aim for 27.
Seriously. You need to cop on. I’m surprised
Marlon even tolerates you moping around all day.
Marlon loves me the way I am. I’m a
work-shy fop. It’s my thing.
You’re an actor!
What’s the difference?
Oh my God that’s so insulting.
To work-shy fops.
I’m sure he finds it such a turn-on
paying for everything while you
lounge around in your skivvies.
You make it sound so sordid.
Have you been looking for a job even?
I have, but I mean, it’s depressing. I’ve basically
gone from college to retirement.
That’s the way it goes now,Valerie.
We are economically unnecessary,
(A beat. VALERIE reaches her hand out to EOGHAN’s face as if to console him, and then promptly gives him a slap.)
Might be time for you to go into IT.
Oh Jesus Christ just fucking kill me now.
I dunno! Update your LinkedIn profile! Don’t you have one of those? That’s what everyone does. Update that.
(EOGHAN is overcome with a sudden jolt of excitement.)
Actually I do have an audition this afternoon. It’s for a commercial.
So no, it’s not actually acting but it’s MONEY possibly coming in.
And they’re looking for a young, attractive, guy.
But you’re auditioning still?
Are there other roles?
"V. nice fee if selected."
Okay. Well, good!
I just think people in medieval
times had the right idea, you know?
Live fast, die young. Or in my
case...live slow, die eventually.
What about friends, Eoghan? You must be hanging around with someone.
You know, people won’t leave me
the fuck alone. It’s like,
"No, I don’t want to catch up with
you because there’s nothing to
say." And if I do actually meet
them it’s like they’re putting me
under a fucking microscope trying to expose my
That’s ridiculous. We both know you
don’t have any flaws. Many flaws.
And the ones you do have are so obvious that you don’t need a microscope to see them.
(EOGHAN goes to take another sip of coffee, but it pops out of his hand and spills all down his front and onto the floor.)
(VALERIE immediately bursts into a cackle again. The barista comes over to clean up.)
(The barista dutifully mops the liquid up with paper towel, even tending to Eoghan’s trousers.)
So sorry, that was an accident.
(The barista continues to dab him with extra care and attention. VALERIE continues to laugh and then frowns quizzically.)
No, that’s okay I can do it myself yeah.
(The barista takes the paper towels away.)
You do know how to make a gal happy, Eoghan. And a barista too, clearly.
EXT. WELLINGTON QUAY - MORNING
(VALERIE and EOGHAN exit the coffee shop.)
Jesus can’t you see how close your standing.
I’m worried about you.
Well, you should be.
Look at you. Have you even brushed your hair today? You’re completely haggard.
(A car beeps in traffic nearby)
Jesus, Eoghan, people are beeping at you. You have gained weight. Your mood swings are so erratic like. I’m starting to think you’re pregnant Eoghan.
Well I am late. For the audition.
You’re gonna be late too for your dinner if you don’t bloody well catch your bus soon.
Mama Ni Loinsigh will not be best pleased.
Eoghan, this hysteria is another symptom of pregnancy, I would never be late for food. And besides, I have a job interview myself before I have to head back home. To be a charity representative.
You mean a “chugger”? You never mentioned this!
Ya well I don’t go around blabbing about my prospects before I actually succeed, like some people. Anyway don’t be a stranger. Give me a call if there’s ever a problem. I won't answer but it's the thought that counts. Never change, changing...always change to suit people. Don’t isolate yourself or others. People will call the police, you don’t want a criminal record. And...Skype and vino very soon.
(He goes in for a hug and kisses her on the cheek. She grimaces.)
Eoghan you need to shave. Guess we’re going!
Guess we’re going. So I’ll see you...soon.
Yes! Very soon.
The make there way to a pedestrian crossing.
Are you going this way?
No I was going to go...this way.
Okay, I’m going...that way.
(EOGHAN gets beeped at by an approaching car on his way
across the road. He continues to walk at an uncomfortably
brisk pace, parallel to VALERIE. The jazz score starts up
EXT. DAME ST - DAY
(EOGHAN is walking as fast as he can without running,
glancing down at his phone.)
Hi Ali, yeah I’ll be there really soon, I’m on my way, there’s just so many people on the street and so much traffic on the pavement. Okay bye.
(He hangs up and in a flurry of dramatic anger flings his phone into the street. It bounces off a bus passing by and hits him solidly in the face. His nose begins to bleed profusely. He glances back at the bus to see VALERIE peering out the back window cackling.)
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
INT. STUDIO - AFTERNOON
(The jazz score slows down. EOGHAN stands in the studio
lights. A CASTING DIRECTOR in her 30s with a short bob sits at a monitor and watches.)
My name is Eoghan McQuinn. I’m 27 years old.
Like, literally just turned 27 and uh...yeah, I haven’t appeared in
any films or television or commercials in the
past...2 years. Which is a GOOD thing. Well, probably more than two years but... And eh...yeah! Like, I’m sorry if I’m a bit crap today, I actually have a cold, which caused all that...bleeding earlier...
Oh. Okay, no problem. So in your own time, you wanna go for one?
(EOGHAN’s face lights up manically. Some blood has leaked into his mouth and stained his teeth red, giving his forced smile an extra psychotic look.)
This Easter at YOLO, we’ve got a few treats in store...we’re offering 300 minutes talk to any network, and..(sighs)...sorry, Ali, I just...my mind went blank.
Okay, don’t worry.
Sorry. Probably due to the blandness of the script.
It’s okay, listen, it happens to everybody.
Yeah, I’m sure you don’t cast them when it DOES happen though, do you?
(The CASTING DIRECTOR gives him a side eye.)
INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON
(A conservative looking middle-aged female INTERVIEWER sits
behind a desk opposite VALERIE, looking through her CV. In
the background of the office we see a poster with the words
"The Compassionate Company" and a sad looking dog on it.)
So your main experience is in
retail. (Sighs) Barely counts as any experience at all. (Snippish)Tell me about that.
Torture. Never want to go back. I
have never dealt with such miserable, petty individuals.
Couldn't understand the complexity of a strictly no refunds policy.
They would rob you no problem if you turned your back for a second.
That was just my colleagues.
Right. And do you have any
experience with charity collection?
Actually, now that you mention it.
EXT. GRAFTON STREET - DAY
(VALERIE with a clipboard, wearing sunglasses and looking
important. She engages in lively conversation with
passersby. She rattles her collection box. She is clearly approaching people with lots of
energy and is eager to get across the fundamentals of her
cause. People are signing up on the dotted line.
Eventually, we approach from a POV angle and a voice says:)
Excuse me, what charity is that you’re
(VALERIE looks nonplussed, after a beat she replies.)
Charity? What charity?
(Sound muted. VALERIE is handcuffed from POV and clearly puts up a massive struggle.)
INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON
So I guess, in a sense I am very good at approaching people.
I have a degree in Drama so I’m quite confident and outgoing...like even tonight I am going out again. Workmans...at 8...if you wanted to come or...there might be a cheeky cocktail in it for you. You look like you could do with a sex on the beach missy (winks at interviewer)
(Ignores wink. Rapidly trying to change subject.)
Yes you studied at Trinity, hmmm.
(Looking at cv, tuts)
For this position we require a 2.2 in a
Business-related Degree or 200 points in
the Leaving Cert.
Or. You said ‘or’. Don’t you mean “and”?
Either would do.
Right well I actually got 570
Yes but you have a drama degree so that kind of cancels it out.
It’s kind of like when someone falls and hits their head quite badly. They
need to relearn things. Can you tell me, what is your greatest
(Going red with anger. Through gritted teeth.)
Well, sometimes I tend to hold back.
Can you give me an example?
My pleasure. (Gives the INTERVIEWER the once over.)
Like, what’s going on with your hair? Did you not realise you had
an interview this morning or were you trying to make me feel at ease
by looking like a small furry animal?
(VALERIE smiles sweetly. INTERVIEWER sighs in disappointment and offense.)
Right well I have to say this has
been a pretty appalling interview.
But since no one else applied,
you’re hired. And starting
immediately! Because we will need you right away to do as much training as possible. You require a lot more than we usually provide.
(Hollers with delight)
Yes, default! Never lets me down.
(Reaches out to shake the INTERVIEWER's hand who looks at her blankly. Lowers hand. Goes to exit but pauses before reaching the door. She leans in close to the INTERVIEWER.)
And, just so you know. From a friend to a friend. Peter Mark have a great deal going at the moment. They will sort out your hair and eyebrows for the price of one. Two birds, one stone. Or in your case, more like two large owls, one well needed rock.
(Squeezes INTERVIEWER's shoulder and leaves)
It’s going to be a long, hard winter.
INT. STUDIO - AFTERNOON
Okay. Why don’t you just do it again in your own time, Eoghan?
Okay...em..Well, if it was on MY time, I would never have scheduled an audition at lunchtime. When people are hungry, practically starving and distracted....but, let's go for one...
(Does a dramatic pirhoutte, smiling manically)
This Easter at YOLO, we’ve got a few treats in store...we’re offering 300 minutes talk to any network and free calls to other YOLO customers, all for €20 a month, only at YOLO.
(His stomach growls dramatically at the end)
Great! Excellent. Well done, thank you for coming in.
Thank you, Ali! Thanks for having me, I really appreciate your efforts, even though, the conditions could have been better.
(She shows him to the door.)
Really appreciate you seeing me again and eh...sorry again for being late.
(An awkward pause. She holds the door open, waiting for him to leave.)
You let me know, won’t you?
Know? With you, it will be all about the no.
(EOGHAN smiles blankly. Notices a basket of fruit beside her, takes an apple and bites into it. As he does this, his nose begins to trickle blood again.)
We will yeah. Absolutely.
You have my number. You have my agent’s number?
Yeah for sure.
Okay. And if neither of us picks up straight away. Don’t worry. It’s not that we’re in bed or that the number has been disconnected or anything but I’ll be at another audition. I’m in hot demand you know. I barely have time these days to choose which ad I want to be in...thats why I was late actually. In another ad.
Oh...really...what ad? You didn’t mention it on your cv.
Secrets, secrets, confidentiality and all that. They’re very particular with not telling people with those high budget, global ads, you know?
(CASTING DIRECTOR does not look convinced. EOGHAN breaks into a cheesy smile and holds out his hand. She shakes it reluctantly.)
Oh! Thank you. Okay, take care. Alright then.
(He finally leaves and she closes the door over. She widens her eyes, somewhat embarrassed, and walks back to the desk. An intern taps away on her laptop in the corner of the room. She notices a trail of blood on the floor.)
Let’s take five, will we?
NT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
(EOGHAN lies with his head on MARLON's lap on the couch,
gazing blankly at the TV.)
Still haven’t heard back from that
It’s been a week let it go. Didn’t
you say the call-back was supposed
to be on Wednesday?
Oh yeah. Shit. But, some people are so good, they get to skip callbacks.
You should probably eat something
(MARLON gets up and leaves EOGHAN to slump back. MARLON goes
to open the fridge and stares morosely.)
So sick of all this shite.
Hey...I’ve got an idea.
How about...YOU make the dinner this time? Sound fun?
I make the dinner!
(EOGHAN’s phone rings. He answers.)
EXT. CLONAKILTY BEACH - CONTINUOUS
(VALERIE is shuffling along the shoreline, a dark cloud
Hey bitch. Look, I got the chugging job.
Really? Wow...imagine that. You, employable.
Ya I know. So here’s the thing I need somewhere to stay before I find a place in Dublin. Can I stay with you guys for a few nights?
I’ve got to get out of this fuckin’ hole. I swear. My
parents are timing my showers...and you know I don’t take
many showers Eoghan.
(A large amount of seaweed flies into Valerie’s face and she
Yeah cos it’s bad for the
The environment? Oh ya...that...I love all that.
Jesus Christ, it’s like being in a convent here Eoghan.
Except worse, cos there’s men. You
know I don’t like men, Eoghan.
But Valerie, we’re men, like. Won’t you feel uncomfortable around us?
Huh? (she snorts) Eoghan, you’re the femininity my
mother wishes I was born with. Here, I can’t talk all day. I know you’ve all day but I’ve gotta do stuff, okay? I’ve got...I think some crab fishing’s going on over there and I’ve always wanted to try it. I know I’ll excel. Alright, see ya
Okay...eh...see you then?
(EOGHAN hangs up and looks shiftily at MARLON.)
What did you just agree to?
Eh, Valerie is going to come stay for a few nights.
How many nights is a few?
Like, three? I don’t know.
So fucking typical. You can’t just arrange shit without asking me
Well I can tell her not come if you’d like.
Please. Then I’m the bad guy.
I can make up an excuse.
I just wish you weren’t like this.
You always just act without thinking.
One of these days you’re going to get a reality check.
Well...hopefully not any time soon.
You can make the chicken.
(MARLON leaves the room, EOGHAN slowly picks himself up off
the couch and drags himself to the kitchen. He takes the
chicken fillets out and notices his reflection. He holds the two chicken fillets up to his chest, as though they are breasts. One falls onto the floor with a load splat. The jazz score
slowly starts up again and we cut to black.)
EPISODE TWO: COYPIG
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
(We see MARLON lathering himself behind the steamed up door of the shower. Without warning, VALERIE barges in and goes directly to sit on the toilet. She doesn’t even acknowledge the nude man in front of her. MARLON turns around and notices VALERIE and lets out a shrill, bloodcurdling 'Psycho'-esque scream. VALERIE doesn't bat an eyelid.)
What are you doing? Get out!
Are you really just going to stand there, having a shower when I am clearly using the bathroom?
What? I was here first! GET OUT!
(VALERIE stares at him for a beat, then sighs heavily. MARLON watches in disbelief as she leaves.)
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
(VALERIE stops at the bedroom door, where EOGHAN is dozing face down. VALERIE rouses him in a sing-songy voice.)
(He stirs, opens his eyes, squinting at her.)
Good afternoon. How’d you like my outfit?
(VALERIE is wearing a plain blouse with a stain on it, two coats and an oddly large shawl.)
Leaves a lot to be desired.
Hang on. Is that the blanket from the couch?
Just saying you could do with revamping your wardrobe. You used to be trendy, Val.
I’m still trendy! I wear all the latest brands. Gap, Next, Repeal the 8th.
(EOGHAN bursts into laughter.)
I'm glad we're on the same page. It's nice to get a little light and love after I experienced such vile coldness from your lesser half.
Marlon...what? (Dawning on him.)
Did you just walk in on him in the shower?
Or did he start showering when I was walking through the bathroom?
VALERIE! You can't just do that!
I'm late for my morning coffees from every different Dublin cafe routine. I will see you later.
(VALERIE leans in, EOGHAN is horrified and doesn’t believe what’s about to happen. She kisses him on the lips.)
What the fuck was that?
Eoghan you’re supposed to turn your fucking cheek. What am I supposed to do, like, alter my behaviour? Maybe it's time for you to adapt and not everybody else for once. Get rid of your linear thinking and reluctance to change, will ya? My mother can do it, so you can turn your fucking cheek. Like I know you’re on social welfare but you’re not a basket case.
(VALERIE turns to go to the front door, bumps into MARLON wearing only a towel as he leaves the bathroom.)
(MARLON just scowls and brushes past her. She shuts the bedroom door behind her and the towel gets caught, leaving MARLON exposed. MARLON stands dejectedly and stares at EOGHAN.)
How long is she staying again?
(VALERIE is heard cackling loudly as she exits the flat. Cut to sequence of VALERIE working as a charity chugger on Grafton Street. She does a variety of inappropriate things, including coming onto people who have donated money, trying to hold people's mobile phones as they look heavy, screaming at people for walking too close to her claiming it's harassment in the workplace and stealing somebody's bike so that she can relate to them and get on their level.)
INT. living room - Morning
(MARLON enters the room bleary eyed. He sees VALERIE sitting at the kitchen table in silence. Not on her phone or laptop or eating. Just sitting doing nothing. He approaches her, getting closer and closer to the back of her head. She doesn't look around, speak or acknowledge him in any way. Eventually he reaches where her face should be and it's just more hair. There is a music jump at this point and she is wearing her glasses over her hair.)
(Jump cut back to VALERIE with her face where it should be.)
Ya, your hair is kind of messy.
No, not mine. Your hair, not mine...hair. Mein herr.
Nothing. Where's Eoghan?
(Marlon fills the kettle and switches it on.)
Job interviews. I gave him a good kick up the arse. Someone had to.
Well...good. And what about you? Are you working today?
Me? Nooo. It's my day-off.
Oh right. Any plans?
I don't make plans, Marlon. I live in the present moment. Maybe you should try it some time. Maybe you wouldn't look so old if you did. Old. Old and ugly.
(MARLON is not impressed. The kettle comes to a loud boiling point in the background.)
By the way, have you seen my glasses anywhere? I was watching Stanger Things earlier and I couldn;t tell which one was Winona Ryder.
But I hear she steals the show.
(VALERIE smiles manically.)
INT. OFFICE - day
There's a huge gap on your CV. What have you been doing with yourself?
Oh, yes. I was traveling. Backpacking through Europe. Saw the world.
For a whole year.
Yeah I just...saved up loads and off I went.
You saved up? (referring to CV)
From your part time job in WHSmith? Where did you go?
Oh Prague, Czech Republic, Austria...Luxembourg, among others. I feel like I can bring my newfound wisdom to the job. The world was my lobster.
Luxembourg, really? Did you visit the statue of Maria L'Heureux?
Yeah, got a selfie with her.
There's no such thing. That's made up.
No, no, selfie is a term that has entered the popular lexicon recently. It means self portrait. Taken on an iphone.
(The interviewer looks at him in pointed confusion.)
Iphones are like...a modern medley of phone and internet with a camera.
(EOGHAN looks very self satisfied.)
INT. TECH OFFICE - DAY
YOUNG I.T. GUY
Why do you wanna work at Nano Solutions?
I love computers. Like I spend about 10 hours a day on them. I have an iPhone so I'm pretty tech-savvy.
YOUNG I.T. GUY
So does everyone. What kind of coding are you familiar with?
What do you mean?
YOUNG I.T. GUY
(I.T. guy is unimpressed.)
And I'm really into nerdy guys. You seem to have it. Get it. I-T...because you're IT...like you have I-T.
(EOGHAN reaches out and clicks the I.T. guy's mouse.)
INT. pub - day
(EOGHAN is sitting in an empty pub with an older, disinterested-looking BARMAN.)
Not really relevant here son.
Like I can program your till computers and do your social media, using my iphone.
I just need someone to pull pints, wash glasses, clean the toilets.
(EOGHAN looks horrified.)
Oh, god. Yeah good luck with that.
(He gets up and backs out of the room slowly, maintaining very strong eye contact.)
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
(VALERIE watches as MARLON stirs a tea bag and leaves it on the sink.)
Don't do that. It'll stain. Need to put them in a compost bin.
Oh...thanks... yeah you're right.
(VALERIE brusquely pushes past MARLON to demonstrate how to throw the teabag into the compost bin and using a knife she accidentally flings it against the wall, staining the white wall.)
(Looking at MARLON blankly.)
You better get cleaning.
(MARLON quickly cleans up, then adds milk to his cup and sits down at the table to take a sip of his tea. He switches on the TV.)
(Gaping at him in disgust.)
Slurping is such an unseemly habit.
Yeah, well, so is commenting on every little thing. I'll do what I want in my own home, thanks.
Well this is my home too now. I'm contributing. So I expect certain standards.
Valerie you pay 30 euro..
Blasphemy. 32.50. And every month. Not just once off.
That barely covers the gas bill. In fact it's already passed that this month since you leave it on all the time.
Is it my fault you picked a top floor apartment so close to the wind that it's bound to be fucking freezing?
Just don't get too comfortable. Three's a crowd, you know? Have you been looking for another place?
Oh, honey please, it's a fucking minefield out there. You can pay 500 euro and still end up sharing a room with several people in a basement flat in Marino. Then you have weirdos asking for a 'deposit' upfront and you might never get the keys to the place. It's important to live with people you can trust.
Yeah, trust is important. Speaking of which, have you seen my crunch corners by any chance? They all appear to have gone mysteriously missing.
Oh my god, Marlon, please, everybody knows condiments are communal.
Since when are yoghurts condiments?
Seriously? Marlon...darling...I know you may feel...insecure around a woman of such grace, beauty and intellect but...don't worry, I won't steal Eoghan.
What?! I didn't think-
I mean, I could if I wanted to. I could just take him. He and I have a connection that transcends the merely physical one that (gives MARLON the once over) you two have.
Just find your own place, okay? This is temporary.
Nothing is truly temporary. What we do in life, echoes in eternity. (begins echoing the word eternity until eventually she is just whispering 'titties'.)
(Pause. VALERIE waits for his reaction.)
Not just a pretty face.
Have you been watching Gladiator?
Netflix. Fuckin' love Russell Crowe.
Russell Crowe? Ya...I like him. But what do you think about Joaquin Phoenix? I thought his performance was-
(VALERIE puts a finger to MARLON's lips, promptly cutting him off.)
You had me at Russell Croooowe.
(MARLON sitting on the couch, watching TV. Valerie walks in from the kitchen with a cup of tea and grabs the remote to change the channel. MARLON slowly turns his head, disgusted.)
I was watching that.
Oh my dear, Exposé kills your braincells. And you need the precious three that you have. (Valerie flicks channel.) Ah, this is way more like it. Big Brother. For the intellectuals amongst us. Orwell never looked so good.
I don't give a fuck.
(Marlon grabs the remote control again to change it back. The front door unlocks and closes. Eoghan enters the room. VALERIE and MARLON slowly turn their heads towards him to reveal gigantic , strained smiles.)
Darling! You're home! Any luck? How did you get on.
Yeah how were the interviews?
Ya, I think I just fucking said that Marlon. What are you? A fucking parrot?
(Immediately sweet again.)
Darling, how were the interviews?
(Valerie bursts into loud cackling.)
Valerie! How did you know I was joking?
(Immediately stops laughing.)
I didn't. I didn't know that you were joking.
(Eoghan looks confused.)
Anyway... I got it! Going to work with Deco's establishment, as a purveyor of fine wines and cuisine.
No way! That's fantastic. How come you didn't tell me you had interviews lined up?
I wanted it to be a surprise baby.
(MARLON and EOGHAN hug. VALERIE gruffly snatches the remote from MARLON's hands and starts turning the tv up.)
Well he told me. Get a room bus-boy, mine is taken.
EPISODE THREE ’Shot to the Head’
1 INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
(VALERIE and EOGHAN sit at the kitchen table. VALERIE is
eating an omelette, EOGHAN is staring into the distance,
Eoghan, to be honest, you were
never right for each other.
What, do you really think that?
I have always thought that.
Well, why didn’t you tell me?!
I thought I did?
No, you even gave a glowing
speech as Maid of Honour at our
wedding. You cried and said you
wished you were marrying Marlon.
Ya, but there were over a hundred
people at that wedding and you
know I’ll say anything for fame.
What? Valerie, that’s terrible.
Sure, I even slipped my headshot
into the songbooks at the actual
I was wondering why Grand Aunt
Margaret showed me a photo of you
at the reception and asked me
were you a disciple sent from
Who says I amn’t?
Anyway, we had a perfectly
healthy relationship until you
came along and imposed yourself
Eoghan, I am more like an
extremely effective catalyst than
a cause. You should be thanking
me for exposing myself to you.
(Disregarding what she
He’s going to come around. I know
that when he hits the mean,
uneven streets of Smithfield and
the roughians round there aren’t
as receptive of his ego, he is
going to realize how good he had
it and come running back.
Now, there remains the problem of
the rent. There’s only two of us.
I’m sure you’ll pull it together.
No! We will. You should have
loads saved from your chugging
job? Sure, what have you been
spending it on?
Well, you see, that’s just it.
There’s no ’it’ to spend in the
What? Since when?
What? Why didn’t you tell me?
I barely saw you.
We live together.
Ya, but I had other engagements
like my Netflix shows.
I just found out about some
sordid behavior by my superiors.
2 EXT. GRAFTON STREET - DAY
(VALERIE looking authoritatively through leaflets of
Sponsored by Milano’s? Ew, their
service is appalling.
3 EXT. RIVER - DAY
( VALERIE dramatically flings her yellow coat into a river
nearby. Back to modern day.)
4 INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
Oh my God, Valerie. How can you
just quit? That’s so
irresponsible of you.
Some day Eoghan, when you’re a
little more mature, you too will
develop principles and fight for
Well, how the fuck are we going
to pay rent?
That’s your problem Eoghan. You
have completely caused this
economic strain. It’s not my
fault you were too useless to
keep a man.
Valerie, this is OUR problem. We
need to produce 1200 in a
fortnight or we’ll be homeless.
Why do you have to be so negative
Eoghan? Why do you have to say
homeless...why can’t you say Al
How the fuck did you ever get through a theatre degree Eoghan?
You’re so fucking rigid in your thinking. My professors always
promoted critical thinking and it’s the way you think that
counts. You say homeless, I say nomadic lifestyle choice. You say
lose your life savings, I say research for a role. You say soup
kitchen, I say exploring the cuisine of the proletariat.
Valerie neither of us got through
our theatre degrees, we dropped
There you go again, focusing on the negative. If we had this same
argument out in public we could call it street theatre! Our
bickering would serve a cultural purpose.
Oh, we would get into plenty of
arguments. But-NO! You need to
get a job ASAP. Where’s your
Your list of former failings.
Oh, you mean cv.
I don’t have one. Charity chuggers was my first job and
they said ’don’t even dream of asking for a reference’ after I
called them a shower of corporate
Right, we will have to lie on your resume, put me as a
babysitting reference but, in the meantime, we need to CUT BACK.
(Bursts into laughter.)
You do need to cut your hair though.
(Cue montage sequence of Eoghan and Valerie scrimping and
5 INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Putting on more and more layers of clothes.
6 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Wearing each others clothes for variation.
7 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT *Sleeping in clothes.
8 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
(Eoghan continually tells Valerie not to put the radiator
on. Horror sequence in which Eoghan has sellotaped over
the button, permanently disabling her from putting it on.
9 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Valerie makes dinner.
Valerie, this is just a bowl of
It’s noodles without the carbs.
Who knew that this economic
crisis would supplement our diet
10 EXT. SMITFIELD LUAS STOP - DAY
Valerie convinces Eoghan to discontinue his monthly leap
card purchases and tells him that they should avail of the
free governmental transport while they can. They are seen
to be continuously getting on the luas, Valerie thinks
that the ticket machines are video games.
Jeez. It’s fantastic that they
have those arcade games to
entertain people as they wait.
All they have in Cork are
I think we deserve a treat after
all of our hard work.
11 INT. CINEWORLD - NIGHT
They go to the cinema. They only buy one ticket and use it
twice. They collect the half-empty boxes of popcorn
afterwards. The usher comes up and thanks them for helping
her. She extends a bin bag, expecting them to throw the
popcorn inside. Valerie takes the bin bag from her.
Sure, we’ll get rid of that as
well. Nobody likes a
half-finished job. NO NEED TO
Valerie and Eoghan peg it past the front desk with the bag
full of food.
12 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Eoghan rings his acting agent, desperately looking for
Fionnuala, this is ridiculous. It
has been six weeks now and
nothing. I’m not picky at all,
I’ll take anything for goodness
sake. I’ll do profit-share,
spoken word, and, jeez, I never
thought I would say it, I will
even REVIEW shows if it pays.
Under a pseudonym of course, I
still have some dignity.
Yes, Eoghan. I know it has been
quite a while but I told you
months ago that you need to
update your headshot. I simply
can’t submit you for anything
else until you do.
Oh, for God sake, Fionnuala. So,
it’s a little bit off. I can’t
afford a new headshot right now.
A little bit off? The headshot is
eight years old Eoghan.
Yeah, so? Fionnuala, I look the
exact same as I did eight years
No, no, not eight years ago. It’s
eight years old. You’re eight
years old in the photo. People
keep requesting you for parental
safety videos. And when I tell
them that you’re twenty seven,
they block me. SORT IT OUT
immediately Eoghan or I’m going
to have to let you go.
So a few drama queens blocked
you...hello? Hello? Fionnuala.
A loud dial tone is heard. Eoghan runs to find Valerie.
Valerie, I need a new headshot
immediately. My agent is going to
drop me. Thank God, we are in the
green this month.
No, we’re not.
Ya, we are...
Eoghan spots a large tv in the room.
Where did that come from?
It benefits both of us. The HDMI
will allow us to watch Netflix
but now it’s SO MUCH BIGGER.
Anyway Eoghan, you can easily
source a headshot on facebook
She brandishes her laptop towards Eoghan. Eoghan
feverishly begins searching through it.
All of my best pics were taken by
Marlon, so I’ll just check his
What? Did he delete them? How
No...no. It says he’s in a
God, he still hasn’t changed
that? How sad!
No...with somebody else.
That’s terrible. He’s a fucking
prick. How insensitive. Some
people have no respect.
Oh my god...look at these
pictures. Who is this guy?
He’s beautiful. Wow. I mean, not
into dudes...but anyone would
find him irresistible. Look at
those eyes. Those lips. Mmm.
Jesus...he’s moved on just like
that. *snaps* The gay scene is so
The gay scene...or is it just
Cut to later. They drink cups of tea and there are many
empty cups around them. Eoghan is bawling. Valerie has her
arm around him. Valerie comforts Eoghan by pointing out
all of Marlon’s faults.
He was fucking fat Eoghan.
No he wasn’t Val. We both tried
to wear the clothes he left
behind him and neither of us fit
Ya, but that’s coz we’re fat too
but we wear it well. Anyway, he
was thick Eoghan, you could
barely have a conversation with
That’s not true. Valerie, he has
two degrees and a Masters, we
don’t even have a degree between
Eoghan, the world these days is
so accessible that only a fucking
plank would pay to go to college
to be told something that they
already know. His degrees are
proof of his stupidity and Master
of what? Sure, another thing,
wasn’t he always mastering
himself to Nicki Minaj a trois?
That’s just fucking indecent
like. I’ll never look at a
croissant the same way again.
I suppose he was kind of hairy.
Kind of? I thought you had a dog
with the amount of hair I found
dotted around the gaff.
Eoghan’s phone rings.
He looks panicked. Mouths a name to Valerie. Valerie looks
Hello Janine, our lovely
LANDLORD. (Looks pointedly at
Notice? Have I noticed what? The
leaves? What leaves...we don’t
have any trees about so I may
have missed...oh..OH. Notice to
leave. (Looks panicked at
Valerie picks up a leaf off the ground.
Look, a leave. I noticed a leave
Eoghan, you need to fucking
Yes, yes, I am surprised. I’m
very surprised indeed. Ya, I
know..I know we missed this
month’s rent payment but the
thing about it is, I was just
going to give you a call to
explain...Ya, with my job...ya,
there was a payroll fuck
up...sorry that’s a bit vulgar, I
sound like a delinquent. There
was a monetary exchange fuck-up
and so they didn’t pay me in
time...so I...ya, ya I completely
understand. We will have it to
you by Friday. No no, not this
Friday. A Friday...soon. No, no
I’m not going to specify. I find
that crass. Hello?
(Eoghan puts the phone down and looks gaunt.)
What Eoghan? Fucking what is it?
We have five days to pay rent
with 50% interest per day or we
have to leave.
Oh fuck Eoghan. (Suddenly
frantic.) STOP FUCKING PANICKING
EOGHAN, YOU’RE PANICKING ME!
Jesus, shut up Val. Get on The
Ideal Flatmate, we need to
advertise for a new flatmates.
Cue montage of potential new flatmates.
13 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
A serous looking guy with a leather jacket and a pony tail
sit in front of them on the couch.
So tell me about your past-times?
LEATHER JACKET GUY
Well, I collect stamps. I’m into
death metal. And I’m a member of
a club that is trying to
I completely understand, I hate
cigarettes myself and feel they
should all be banned.
LEATHER JACKET GUY
No, the fucking Queens.
Ugh. I’ve also got a strong
dislike of the monarchy. I think
Brexit is a good thing,
LEATHER JACKET GUY
Well, we don’t usually tell
people right off the bat.
Ya, some people can be quite put
off. Would you believe some
people want to get rid of
homosexuals? I mean how dull
would that be?
Leather jacket guy screams in anger, looks as though he
might thump them, hyperventilates.
Gays are a crime against nature.
They will wipe themselves out
with their sinful ways. You best
stay away from the children.
I fucking hate children.
Leather jacket guy disappears from the room in a rage.
What the fuck was his problem?
Don’t know. He was clearly
Ya, he needs to get down to the
George and get himself a ride.
14 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
A furtive looking young dark haired woman enters the room.
Nice to meet you.
She slithers out to shake both of their hands.
Wow, very formal. What a delight.
I am very respectful, yes.
Are you as respectful of people’s
things as you are of people?
Ya, good question Val. We lived
with a fucking conceited,
selfish, ugly, fucking ugly prick
before who trampled all over
everything we held precious...
Oh, I have the highest regard for
other people’s property and
Wow, well you seem lovely. We
have a few more people to meet
today but this has been
So be expecting a call from us.
Eoghan goes to get his phone from his pocket
Wait...wait...where the fuck is
my phone? Have you seen my phone?
I best be going.
She rapidly turns and Valerie’s watch falls out of his
That’s funny. We must be a match
made in heaven because that looks
just like my watch.
Funny that. Let me grab that.
She bends over and Eoghan’s phone falls out of his pocket.
That’s my fucking phone!!
(brandishing a bread knife)
Stay back. Stay back or you
fucking get it.
She runs, leaving EOGHAN and VALERIE gaping after her.
Oh my fucking GOD Valerie, that
Ya, what the fuck was her
problem? Such a shame when he had
such similar taste to us.
15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Valerie and Eoghan sit dejectedly at the kitchen table,
completely dour-faced. They have all but given up.
Jayziz, this has been an absolute
day and a half.
Fucking tell me about it. I’m
beginning to lose faith in
That’s a bit sexist now Eoghan.
No need to discriminate, there
were women there too.
What do you mean?
I’m beginning to lose faith in
humanity and huWOMANity alike.
You keep me young Valerie.
(The doorbell rings.)
Who the fuck is that at this
Well, we do have one more lady to
see on the list.
At this hour?
It’s only six pm Eoghan.
Jayziz, I don’t think I’ll make
it through the night at this
A stunningly attractive woman appears in the doorway. A
shrill, girlish scream is heard as the camera is on her.
Camera goes back to Eoghan and Valerie, Eoghan has his
hand to his mouth.
(Checking their list.)
Jesus Eoghan, no need to shout.
Valerie peers at their list.
How the fuck did you get in here?
Oh the door was open and I-
So, you thought you would just
let yourself in here? I mean, I
have met some of the rudest, most
outlandish fucking idiots ever
today but THAT really takes the
biscuit-that’s fucking absurd,
how dare you-
Valerie texted me, telling me to
let myself in and-
(Brandishing her phone.)
Follow the two female voices...
EOGHAN glares viciously at Valerie, plasters a false smile
on his face and turns back to Amanda, now speaking in a
measured, wavering tone.
Amanda, it’s an absolute pleasure
to meet you. What do you do?
I’m a psychiatrist.
Oh, how intriguing.
Amanda said she was available to
move in immediately and
considering the circumstances
offered to pay 45% of the rent
and cover all utilities also.
When can you move in?
Actually, I can see that there is
an obvious strain here and I
don’t want to add to any tension
already created. So, it might not
be the best idea for me to move
in after all.
I don’t see any strain. Do you
see strain Val?
There’s absolutely no strain
whatsoever to be had in this
calm, peaceful, serene, fucking
ZEN apartment and you best move
in immediately to ADD TO THE FENG
(Backing out slowly.)
Still...honestly I don’t want to
Strain? You can’t handle the
strain. Show me the STRAIN. SHOW
ME THE STRAINNNNNN!
Silence. Close up on Valerie.
She’s gone Eoghan. She’s been
gone for a few hours now. If you
don’t mind...please put your
clothes back on.
Zoom out. Eoghan is standing in his underwear on the
kitchen table , drinking a glass of red wine.
This time after just one glass.
In bed, later.
To think all those weeks ago, I
was so hesitant to let you move
in with me Valerie because I
thought it would be awkward. How
silly of me.
Valerie’s foot kicks Eoghan in the face.
She’s asleep. Or dead. Hopefully
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Valerie is a professionally trained writer. She specialized in Advanced Writing at Trinity College, Dublin and achieved a 1.1. She has had work produced/presented with Tribeca Performing Arts Centre, The Galway Fringe Festival, The Dionysian Literary Journal, The Venus Adonis Festival, DU Shakespeare Festival and DU Players. She recently completed writing Series One of NOTIONS.