My Bad Years [bad.gers]

​
                               My Bad Years  [bad.gers]
 
   
 
New animated Irish comedy series. A Pendulum to Paper Production.
 
 
EPISODE ONE: They just kind of showed up on my doorstep
 
 
“I once had a couple of bad years [bad.gers]. They just kind of showed up on my doorstep. I hear it's not unheard of but not everybody gets them.”
 
 
Episode 1: Character List and descriptions

Milton-Lead. 30's. Depressed. Single, working from home as a tech writer. In touch with current affairs but feels lost in the world.
 
Agnus-Milton's black and white, badger-esque housecat. Slender and sleek. Many of the male badgers take a liking to Aggy.
 
Harry- American, cigar-smoking, leader of the cete. Bit of a Marlon Brando vibe. No bullshit with this guy. His fur is greying and he has very blue eyes.
 
Maud-Harry's sow. Wears a red ribbon that ties her fringe in a top knot. Tries to be polite but this often backfires. Her nose is luminous pink.
 
Alan-Young badger. Insults and offends Milton a lot without realising it. Wears his fringe gelled up and walks with a swagger.
 
Graham- Chubby badger. Good humoured but very clumsy and irrational.
 
Tim-Milton's neighbour. Works on his family farm. Also in his 30s, also lives alone, also working remotely. Forced together by Milton's worried Aunt Marge, who sends Tim on check-up missions. Though Tim is in a very similar situation in his life, he is very much reconciling his happiness using the old Irish adage of “Not as bad off as your man down the road.” Milton often gives Tim spins into the city, which he tries to use as bargaining power when Tim begins to suspect foul play with the badgers.

Assortment of badgers-Agitate Milton in a variety of inappropriate situations leading to outbursts and odd behaviour that the ignorant public attribute to poor mental health. A lot of mischief is caused by the younger badgers or 'rollers' who barrel around by crushing themselves into little balls and rolling from place to place, leaving a path of destruction in their wake, which is often blamed on Milton.
 
Aunt Marge-Milton's overly invasive Aunt, who means well. Has a layer of fuzz on all visible parts of her body and a severe dowager's hump from working hard all of her life. She has a particularly badgeresque appearance and the badgers fear this supersized version of themselves. Believes Milton has lost his mind ever since his fiance left him and that he is hallucinating about the badgers as a result of loneliness and isolation.

Petunia-Young badger, on a mission of observance with Larry. Set to follow Milton around for the day. Easily agitated by Larry.
 
Larry-Young badger, on a mission of observance with Petunia. Harbors a deep unrequited love for Petunia and not particularly interested in Milton whatsoever. Will do whatever Petunia wants but mirrors her insults when she insults him.

Jacintha- Milton's boss

SCENE ONE: Mama, take this badge off of me
 
 
Milton mills out of bed and lazily flicks the kettle on. The ticking of the clock permeates through the stillness of the kitchen. Agnus, his slender black and white cat, leaps onto the countertop and tries to find an extremity to link herself to. Milton can just about muster enough energy to waft his hand.
 
                                            MILTON
 
No Aggy, no-not today Aggy. I have a headache this morning. No energy for affection, no matter how furry.
 
 
Shortly after Milton pours his coffee, Agnus takes a curious lick before scurrying away.
 
                                               MILTON
 
Drily giggles.
 
Ya...I don't blame you. I wouldn't even consider the soya milk either if it wasn't for my gorgeous lactose intolerance.
 
Sips and grimaces.
 
Mmmm, necessity.
 
Milton trudges his slippers along the wooden floorboards, an action that he has always found to be extremely gratifying but today, he is unaffected by it. He sighs a low sigh before slumping into his leather lazy boy and flicking the news on. He mutes the volume and starts speaking in tandem with the newsreader, as though reciting the daily headlines.
 
Good morning dedicated lemmings of Ireland. Hear me roar and lap it right up, hear me sneeze and pass me a tissue but maintain a comfortable 2 meter distance while doing so. We have entered day Infinity.6 of lockdown and prospects are looking just about as bleak and dreary as the weather section of this broadcast. Even the most diplomatic of our Nation's leaders are struggling to don this nimbostratus with a silver lining.
 
Stay in, stay in, stay in and be with your families.
 
Milton peers around.
 
MILTON
 
But I don't have any...aside from Aggy.
 
Go discover and refine your undiscovered talents.
 
Milton momentarily glances at the succession of abandoned initiatives that are splayed across his living room floor.
 
Guitar...should be avoided when the idea of learning guitar sounds better than the sounds that emerge from it when you play it.
 
Sudoku, trains your brain and brainwashes you into thinking you are performing high mathematics as opposed to simple, repetitive number tetris.
 
DIY...the road to hell is paved with good intentions but lord, don't let me be the one who paves that road because it will end in tears..from broken necks...caused by tripping on the badly paved roads that I have created in my attempts to become 'handy'. And if you're walking to hell you have enough problems already.
 
 Broken necks and stubbed toes aside.
 
Milton switches over to the radio medium. He rapidly skims through heated arguments and chatting, making comical, grotesque and repulsed faces in reaction to the various voices of angry members of the public and provocative chat show hosts. He stops when he hits the first music channel. Bob Dylan's 'Knocking on Heaven's Door', comes on and Milton turns up the volume. He sings along in an exaggeratedly nasal way and mimics playing a guitar, whilst gyrating on beat.
 
MILTON
Mama, take this badge off of me
I can’t use it anymore
It’s gettin’ dark, too dark for me to see
I feel like I’m knockin’ on heaven’s door
 
The music suddenly cuts off abruptly and a low knocking is heard on the front door, only audible because of how silent the rest of the house is. The knocking stops once Milton notices it and is replaced by a scratching sound, that increases in pace as he approaches the front door. The door creaks open and he peers out.
 
MILTON
Weird-I could have sworn
 
He goes to close the door.
 
HARRY
 
Down here dummy.
 
Milton looks down to find a droll-looking badger, a cheeky cigar perched in the corner of his mouth, billowing a stream of smoke up at Milton.
 
MILTON

Incredulous.
 
Well...my soya milk must have been severely out of date.
 
HARRY

Retching laughter.

Wise guy-huh?
 
Well, cut it out dummy, there's only room for one funny guy in this house.
 
Harry violently nudges Milton's legs out of the way and trudges into the house. He looks around appreciatively.
 
Not bad, dweeb, not bad.
 
Harry clocks Agnus and does a dramatic double take.
 
Hamana, hamana. And the view is glorious.
 
Dumbfounded, Milton slowly closes the door and follows the chatty mammal into the living room.
 
MILTON
 
Ok...so even if I am hallucinating...I don't get why you have to be American. Isn't it ethereal enough that you're a talking badger...you couldn't have come from down the road?
 
HARRY
 
Well, that would be downright unprofessional. We couldn't possibly work with people in our own locality-there would be an obvious familiarity threat-DUH!
 
And I already have my work come out for me with you. You're a spoilt brat, always saying you have nothing to do.
 
MILTON
 
Well, can you blame me for being bored?
 
HARRY
 
Yes, absolutely I can. I was born a boar and I'm never bored. I'm going to show you what the struggle really is. 
 
MILTON
 
How do you know I'm bored?
 
HARRY
 
Oh, I have excellent hearing, it's my eyesight that lets me down at times. I have been listening to every little word that came from your whining mouth. You think you know hard times, I'll show you hard times.
 
Harry begins 'moohawhaw' evil cackle sequence but breaks into a smokers cough after a few seconds and can't complete it. Retches a few 'hehehes' at the end.
 
SCENE 2: Ready Sett. Go.

In a dramatically hyperbolic way, Harry unleashes his talons, raising his eyebrows suggestively (mimicking Wolverine), then pulls up one of Milton's floorboards, disregarding Milton's look of shock and worry. He begins to burrow, funneling dirt all over the living room.
 
MILTON
 
Panicked.
 
Stop! You're destroying my house.
 
HARRY
 
Sniggers.
 
Oh please, the place could have done with a sweep anyway. Now, come with me.
 
Harry nudges Milton aggressively in the back of his shins, sending him flying into the burrowed hole, which is feeding into some sort of underground network of tunnels.
 
I have a few friends I want you to meet.
 
Nudges Milton over into a crawl, prodding him intermittently to alter direction. The two continue for a while before a light becomes visible ahead. Streams of dirt spill all over Milton at random intervals. By the time, they emerge into the light, Milton's clothes are completely caked in earth, with a selection of small creepy crawlies dotted all over him. They are momentarily alone but then Milton hears rapid heavy footsteps approaching.
 
MAUD
Female badger enters, with a red ribbon in a top-knot, denoting her gender.
 
Why hello there, I like your...dirt.
 
HARRY
 
This is my sow, Maud. She is my everything. She has everything your housecat has and so much more. She keeps me hairy.

MAUD
The roughest, scratchiest and most gloriously coarse fur of any mammal you will ever see.
 
MILTON
 
Muttering.
 
You haven't met my Aunt Marge.
  
Maud charges into the back of Milton's legs, propelling him into another subsection of the underground tunnel. Milton notes a variety of his household appliances scattered around that he had come to accept were missing. Picking up a nearby teapot and brandishing it in an accusatorial fashion.
 
HARRY
 
Oh. About that...
 
Sniggers.
 
Don't you worry, we showed it a good home.
 
Handle snaps off main teapot and pot clangs to the earthen floor. Milton looks questioningly from Harry to Maud.
 
Don't blame us, that one is all on you.
 
A loud rolling sound is heard, similar to a bowling ball in an alley, and, in a flurry of black and white, a smaller sized badger shoots into the space, rolling halfway up the wall before coming to a halt at Milton's feet.
 
ALAN
 
High pitched tone.
 
I'm Alan, nice to finally put a face to all the pots and stuff. And my-
 
Brandishes a cup with a photo of Milton on it, holding a surfboard on a beach, with his arm around a tanned, blonde woman.
 
MILTON AND ALAN
 
In unison.
 
FAVOURITE CUP!
 
ALAN
 
How did you know?? Ya, that's right, it's my favourite cup.
 
MILTON
It's my mug!
 
ALAN
 
Peers closely at the cup and points one grubby, yellow nailed finger at Milton's face on it's surface.
 
Yeh, I didn't want to be rude, but that is your ugly mug on my favourite cup. Every cloud has a silver lining though and that blonde is a HOOOOOOOTTY!
 
MILTON
Hey! You shouldn't talk about her like that. That's my fiance godammit. Well....she was my fiance once.
 
ALAN
 
And then she saw your ugly mug.
 
Guffaws.
 
MILTON
 
She actually bought the ugly mug. It was her idea, get two matching ugly mugs.
 
ALAN
 
Eww...what a shame. Some people take plastic surgery to the extremes. I blame Love Island. Look at how beautiful she was and now you're telling me she has an ugly mug identical to yours?
 
Squints at Milton.
 
What a WASTE! I hope she kept her cute little snout at least.
 
They are interrupted by a deeper rolling sound now. They know that something heavy is approaching.
 
GRAHAM
 
Bellowing
 
Incoming!!!!
 
Alas, it is too late by the time he has yelled and he barrels into both Milton and Alan, knocking them off their feet. Milton lands face first in the mud. Alan drops the cup and it shatters against a hard patch of earth.
 
MILTON
 
Exacerbated.
 
My mug!!
 
ALAN
 
Looking at his mud covered face.
 
Well, I personally, think it's an improvement. 
 
MILTON
 
Not my face you dope, my CUP!!
 
ALAN
 
Oh....ya...the first cut is the deepest. You'll get over this.
 
Beginning to roll away. Yells back.
 
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!!
 
Milton surveys everything around him, awestruck. He cannot believe he is here, he cannot believe who he is with and he has no idea how he will get back to the safety of his home.
 
MILTON
 
Half to himself.
 
How....HOW have I got myself into this?  WHO the hell am I even talking to? Are these real?
 
Pokes a small, cute looking badger who appears to be sleeping. She suddenly snarls and bites his finger, breaking the skin. A trickle of blood drizzles to the floor.
 
Oooooooouch.
 
What the?!?!
 
Well, she...or that...or it must definitely be real! Will I suffocate down here? Is this the end? I have achieved so little. There was so much for me left to do on Earth...how could this happen to me so sooooon?!?
 
Harry nudges Milton aggressively in the shins.
 
HARRY
 
Come on sucker, that's enough for now. It's about the max your little brain could take in for one evening. Back up we go.
 
He barrels into Milton very aggressively now, sending him flailing forward, into the darkness and dirt. Milton hyperventilates the entire way back and by the time he reaches the floorboard entrance, he is truly sweating, his teeshirt has become completely see-through. He weakly tries to lift himself out onto his kitchen floor but does not succeed. He bows his head in resignation. Suddenly he yelps, jumps and he pulls himself out.
 
MILTON
 
Owwww. You fecker. You bit me! You actually bit me!! You guys have got to stop doing that.
 
HARRY
 
Tough love, baby. Tough love.
 
Harry hops into the living room and dramatically wags his tail, rapidly sending the mound of dirt flying all over the house. Spreading the dirt so thin that it is now barely visible. He grabs the floorboard and plops it on his back.
 
Okay, see you soon Milton. Keep your ears open!!
 
He jumps into the hole and the floorboard on his back neatly fits back into it's original slot. It is as though he was never there. Milton is completely speechless and frantic. He looks around for reassurance or evidence that this has actually happened. He starts trying to gather the mound of dirt back up into it's mound shape but gives up. A silhouette appears behind him.
 
MILTON
 
Stealthily turns and grabs the creature.
 
Ah ha!!
 
He notices that he has Aggy in a headlock, she screeches and whips his face with her tail.
 
Oh Aggy!
 
He immediately releases her.
 
My girl!! My girl! I'm so sorry. Forgive me. I think I have lost my mind. I thought I saw two bad-
 
Aggy turns to him and her eyes grow frighteningly wide.
 
The badgers. Did you see them talking too?
 
Aggy nods solemnly.
 
Eureka!! I'm not crazy after all.
 
Milton laughing, begins to dance with Aggy, twirling and side stepping dramatically.
 
I'm not crazy after all. I'm not cra-
 
Drops Aggy onto a nearby sofa when he turns to see a straight-faced figure standing at his front door, looking in at him. It's his neighbour, Tim.
 
Tim! I...ugh...it's not what it looks like you know. I uh...how much did you see...
 
TIM
 
Nothing Milton, nothing, just a bit of dancing.
 
MILTON
 
Sighs with relief.
 
Ahh...ya just letting loose, getting rid of some energy.
 
TIM
 
And something about a cat seeing talking badgers-listen! NONE of my business either way. Just remember, if you ever want a pint, give me a call. Any time...
 
MILTON
 
Ya, sure, all in good fun.
 
TIM
 
Well...actually...maybe the drink wouldn't be the best idea. Seems like you have had enough drink to last you a while. Anyway, your Aunt Marge rang me and asked me to check up on you so eh...
 
MILTON
 
Ya, tell her all is going well, will ya Tim?
 
TIM
 
Eh...
 
MILTON
 
Tim?
 
TIM
 
Well, I'll just relay the information that I see fit...
 
MILTON
 
Tim, how many lifts have I given you into the city on nights you have been stuck? TIM-
 
Tim slowly backs away, turns then sprints away from the house.
 
SCENE 3: Are you joining?
 
Sun spills in through a slit in the curtains, forming an elongated triangle on Milton's face. He stirs in bed. He has slept in but still feels exhausted. He glances at his bedside clock. Ten AM. He scrambles underneath his bed, pushing aside the debris comprising of empty takeaway boxes, dirty socks and abandoned magazines. In a comical sequence, he pulls a number of things out from under the bed that he believes are his work laptop. The items become progressively more repulsive and unexplainable. Firstly, he pulls out a magazine that has stuck to a book from coke having spilt on it and congealing. Then, he pulls out a crushed pavlova, steeped in rotten strawberries and curdled cream. He yelps when a maggot pokes its head out from the meringue base and flings the pavlova full force across the room, it lands with a splat on the window. Finally he pulls his laptop out, he looks initially relieved but then finds a Daniel O' Donnell cd cover, stuck to the front of the laptop. He shudders in disgust. The laptop makes a satisfying noise as he opens it and lights his face with a familiar glow. He begins rapidly typing.
 
MILTON
 
To self.
 
Hey guys, I love how I am an hour late and nobody even noticed I wasn't online. Thanks for that. Feeling very appreciated.
 
We hear message pings on his laptop, signalling incoming messages from colleagues.
 
Spoke too damn soon. Yes, Vera, I will send on that product documentation that wa due last week as soon as I can, but a boy can't possibly focus without his morning coffee first...Be right back.
 
Types a couple of words, then haphazardly places the laptop to his side. Slips out of bed and stands on every possible obstacle between him and the kitchen. He reacts in a humorous way, managing not to yell until the very end when he stands on his laptop charger plug. Yells satisfyingly. Aggy leaps into his arms, in an assumed attempt to comfort him. He looks at her appreciatively.
 
Yes, Aggy, you're so right my love. I do deserve a treat after that trauma. So, none of this instant coffee garbage. I'm gonna percolate up a storm this morning and take my sweet time whilst doing so.
 
Milton goes to retrieve his coffee percolator, only to find two badgers scrunched up in the cupboard. He yelps and the badgers roll out in his direction. He stumbles backwards to avoid them, stepping on every single item that he had stepped on previously but in reverse order.
 
Annnnnd, here I was thinking you were a bad dream. Dammit!
 
He goes to scoop the badgers up but one of them turns and bites his hand.
 
Every time. You guys have got to stop doing that!!
 
PETUNIA
 
We are here to help you out today.
 
LARRY
 
Ya, we are going to come with you today and see what your problem is. My guess is you are the problem.
 
MILTON
 
I didn't say you could come with me though.
 
Milton glances at the floorboard that had been the previous entrance, it has not been moved and there is no dirt mound.
 
How did you guys even get in here?
 
LARRY
 
Foreboding, a dark shadow falls over his face.
 
That's for us to know and you to find-
 
PETUNIA
 
The pipes.
 
LARRY
 
Petunia!
 
PETUNIA
Larry, nobody likes your evil thing. Stop trying to make evil happen. It's never going to happen.
 
LARRY
 
Well it seems to be happening for you just fine.
 
PETUNIA
 
I guess things just come easier to me than they do to you.
 
MILTON
 
Less of this domestic, you are not coming with me. I would never dream of bringing you anywhere outside of this house. People will start to think I'm crazy.
 
LARRY

Bursts into laughter

START to think?!
 
PETUNIA

Ya, hate to say it, but I agree with Larry on this one. We are all here because people already think you're crazy.
 
LARRY
 
Bat shit crazy.
 
PETUNIA
 
No need to repeat what I say Larry, try original thought for once. Also, I find your bat references insensitive, we are still in lockdown.
 
MILTON
 
People, don't think I'm crazy.
 
Noise of incoming voice call comes from his laptop. Milton momentarily panics and grapples to get to his laptop to answer it on time. He just about makes it.
 
JACINTHA

Boss's voice on call
 
Hey all...And Milton.
Just, wanted to flag before the client comes on the call that Milton we will have you muted and it will remain that way for the entirety of the call. Just to stress, that function cannot be reversed or altered during the call so if you want to say anything Milton just message me and I'll pass it on. If not on this call, definitely on the next one.
 
Milton peers over at the badgers, who stand looking at him in an 'I told you so' fashion, Larry with his arms crossed, Petunia with her hand on her hip. Both with their eyebrows raised.
 
MILTON
 
That's just a coincidence. That's not because they think I'm crazy.
 
JACINTHA
 
Just to clarify Milton, we can all hear you now. You will be muted when the client joins the call.
 
MILTON
 
Oh fuck.
 
JACINTHA
 
Not muted yet either.
 
Loud beep.
 
 You are muted now. And just to share, a mantra that I like to live by; in life, there truly are no coincidences.
 
Milton goes bright red and the call commences, with numerous voices joining. He turns the volume down and awkwardly turns back to the badgers, with a strained smile.
 
MILTON
 
See, nothing to worry about.
 
Larry gives Petunia the side-eye.
 
LARRY
 
Ya, don't worry at all, honestly.
 
PETUNIA
 
We are here as observers.
 
LARRY
 
Your friends.
 
PETUNIA
 
Your shadows.
 
LARRY
 
You will barely notice us. We are here to notice you. Just act as you normally would and we will judge accordingly.
 
MILTON
 
Who are you to judge me?
 
PETUNIA
 
Well we are your badgers. Nobody more qualified to judge you than us.
 
LARRY
 
And, honestly, don't freak out, it's more common than you think. Bad years are not uncommon, not unheard of but not everybody gets them.
 
MILTON
 
I'll...keep that in mind. Okay, I guess, I have no say in the matter. God, could this day get any worse?
 
Loud thudding knocking is heard at the door. Badgers and Milton freeze, looking searchingly to one another in panic.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
Loud booming voice
 
Milton....Miiiiiiiilton. Let me in now Milton. You better be up!! It's almost 11am. Come on now!
 
MILTON
 
Turns to the badgers.
 
I think I spoke too soon. That's my Aunt Marge.
 
PETUNIA
 
Sniffing
 
Smells familiar.
 
SCENE 4. An Aunt's Life
 
Milton approaches the door tentatively. The badgers shuffle along beside him, wide-eyed. He swings the door open and his Aunt Marge peers in smiling. She has a natural lean forward as she has a severe dowager's hump. She has a thin layer of black fuzz on all areas of visible skin. Milton feels trembling on his lower pant leg. He looks down to see that Larry and Petunia are cowering in fear, wide eyed and shaking.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
Well, Milton. Well!
 
She steps in, her leather boots clacking against the wooden floorboards. The heels on her leather boots are so small that they barely add height and it would appear that their only function is to make a trotting sound as she walks. She has a narrow face, with a nose so long that it appears to be hanging, suspended in mid-air as opposed to attached to her face.
 
Well, well, well.
 
She gives him the once over, assessing his current state.
 
So, Tim...gave me a call yesterday.
 
She furrows her monobrow, trying to prompt him to answer.
 
MILTON
 
Looks deliberately perplexed.
 
I have always found Tim to be inaccurate. You know. Needy. Desperate.
One of those people who almost makes up details to make his stories seem more interesting than they were at the time, just so people will listen to him you know? All he has is his lies...his lies and-
 
AUNT MARGE
 
ENOUGH! He told me about your little hallucinations and scat singing.
 
MILTON
 
Well, it was hardly scat singing. I was dancing with Aggy and chatting.
 
A well-timed meow is heard from Aggy, who is lying on the sofa, as though she is backing up his story. This makes Milton smile.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
So you agree, there were hallucinations.
 
MILTON
 
I agree that there was no scat singing.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
There can be hallucinations with or without the scat singing.
 
MILTON
 
Agreed, they are neither mutually exclusive nor symbiotic. But...if he is going to make such an outlandish accusation about scat singing, don't you think, it is more plausible that TIM was in fact the one who was hallucinating?
 
AUNT MARGE
 
I honestly don't know what to believe.
 
Catches sight of the pavlova streaming down the kitchen bedroom window.
 
But I know something is not right with you
 
Notes something stuck to the heel of her boots. It is the Daniel O' Donnell cd cover. She gasps, peels it off, scrunches it into a ball and throws it at the nearest bin.
 
Things are much worse than I thought they were.
 
What kind of witchcraft or sickness has got hold of you Milton?
 
She leans forward and Milton notices Larry and Petunia let go of his trousers and rapidly roll away.
 
What is it Milton? What's going on with you?
 
MILTON
 
Peering around to see can he spot Petunia or Larry. They are nowhere to be seen. He breathes a sigh of relief.
 
Well, there was something bothering me. But, now everything seems fine.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
Ups and downs eh?
 
MILTON
 
More sudden and unexpected.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
In bouts or cycles?
 
MILTON
 
If I had to choose either, I would say bouts. Like boxing bouts.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
I hope you're not hitting anyone or anything?
 
MILTON
 
No, not yet. Only in my head.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
That is how it starts Milton. Let's, shall we?
 
Aunt Marge starts shuffling towards the sofa.
 
Would you say that the pavlova is a complete write off?
 
MILTON
 
I'll get you some rich teas.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
Yeh, some plain teas would be fine. I'm rich enough as it is, you know that.
 
Aunt Marge plants herself into the middle of the sofa and begins cackling. Her laugh is so loud it covers the awkwardness of the fact that there is no reciprocative laughter. She brandishes her watch as though demonstrating her wealth.
 
I think that's your problem Milton, always has been. Focussed in the wrong direction. You are leaving yourself wide open, ready to be hurt. You have made yourself vulnerable.
 
Dare I say it...weak.
 
And you know I hate that word. Burns my tongue.
 
You have always been focussed on human validation, love, closeness, the artificial things in life. It's time for you to forget about your people pleasing and focus on monetary gain like the rest of us.
 
You know, something real.
 
MILTON
 
Aunt Marge, with all due respect, I put everything into my job. I spend the majority of my week doing it. I am very money focussed.
 
Aunt Marge looks at him. He looks at Aunt Marge. Aunt Marge looks at his laptop, lying half open on his bed, the glow pulsating. Milton looks at this also. They look at one another. They are equidistant from the muted machine. Aunt Marge, is deceptively fast. She leaps up in one solid movement, her boots clacking like a clapboard would at the start of a movie scene, calling the actors into action. Milton is no match for this charging beast and sure enough she reaches the laptop first. She pokes the volume up and holds the laptop above her head, well out of Milton's reach.
 
AUTOMATED VOICE
 
All attendees and the host have left the call, you may leave the call.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
Open ended. muted calls. Would you call that focussed?
 
MILTON
 
Well, that is literally a first. AND of course, you happened to be here when that happened. It is just an unfortunate coincidence. Don't make associations where there are none.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
Open you ears Milton and hear this.
 
Milton gasps at this turn of phrase
 
This is an old adage that I have lived my life by and you should start doing this too. In life, there truly are no coincidences.
 
 
SCENE 5: Here to Stay
 
Milton walking Aunt Marge out to her car.
 
MILTON
 
No, thanks for calling in Aunt Marge. I really do appreciate the concern. But, honestly, you have nothing to worry about. And I will make sure to stack up on those chocolate hob knobs to have ready for your next visit.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
The hob knob in itself is a masterpiece but the chocolate just gives it that extra something.
 
And those rich tea things, false advertising. Crumbled to pieces, destroying your tea. No integrity.
 
Weak.
 
Did not suit my palette.
 
Less rich tea and more pover-tea.
 
MILTON
 
Duly noted Aunt Marge. Duly noted. But I have a feeling, everything has returned to normal.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
Stoops over and maneuvers her dowagers hump to sit into her Tesla Model S
 
Well, I'm glad Milton. I'm glad. You know I mean well. Even if my methods do...from time to time seem...a little...
 
MILTON
 
Dictatorial?
 
AUNT MARGE
 
No...
 
MILTON
 
Evil?
 
AUNT MARGE
 
Not quite.
 
MILTON
 
Sadistic?
 
AUNT MARGE
 
That's the one-soft. I would never want to be seen to be soft but you mean a lot to me. You are my favourite nephew.
 
MILTON
 
Your only nephew.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
Exactly. And beggars can't be choosers.
 
I don't mean to come across as soft but if there is ever anything that is bothering you...tell me. Anything, anyone. Don't feel alone. Just call me. At work. Or better yet, call my secretary she is a much better listener. I tend to forget things that are not direct priorities. And as soon as she lets me know I will be right on the phone to Tim and he will come check it out and if absolute NEEDS BE I will even come down myself.
 
You know I have all the time in the world for you.
 
All of it.
 
My only nephew.
 
So if there's trouble, let my people know.
 
MILTON
 
Aww. Well thank you Aunt Marge...there is one thing...
 
Aunt Marge revs her engine, and a plume of black smoke billows from the exhaust, floating onto Milton, causing him to cough raucously.
 
AUNT MARGE
 
Yelling
 
And, MIND yourself.
 
Don't get a cough on top of everything else....freak.
 
She cackles and drives off at a frightening speed. Milton pauses, wipes the sludge out of his eyeline and peers up at the blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. For a moment, he starts to think that the world isn't so bad and all appears to be returning to normality. A seagull soars overhead and a butterfly lands on his nose. He smiles to himself and turns to go back into the house. The door creeks open and in the doorway stand, the two unmistakeable silhouettes of Larry and Petunia. 
 
MILTON
 
Yells in frustration

Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

LARRY
 
In a terrified whisper.
 
Is she gone yet?
 
MILTON
 
What?
 
PETUNIA
 
The giant, is she gone?
 
MILTON
 
Aunt Marge?
 
LARRY
 
She's the biggest one I have ever seen.
 
PETUNIA
 
And that fur.
 
MILTON
 
I tried to warn ya'll.
 
LARRY
 
What clan is she from?
 
PETUNIA
 
We are not supposed to mingle with other clans.
 
MILTON
 
Clan? Same clan as me. She's a Murphy.
 
LARRY and PETUNIA
 
Gasp and snarl. They lower their heads and fluff up their coats.
 
YOUR CLAN? You're related to that sow?
 
MILTON
 
Sow? That's harsh. Yes, that's my Aunt Marge.
 
Larry and Petunia stand on their hind legs.
 
Ew, what is that smell? Is that you?
 
Just when I thought you guys couldn't get any worse.
 
LARRY
 
We appear to have made a grave mistake.
 
PETUNIA
 
We do not mix with other clans. There is strictly no intra-species observances allowed.
 
LARRY
 
It is part of badger legislation, the regulations are stringent.
 
MILTON
 
Bursts into laughter.
 
Haha, that's funny. Finally, you actually are beginning to cheer me up. Intra-species...
 
LARRY
 
It's no laughing matter. We have already got too close. We will have to attack.
 
MILTON
 
Oh for goodness sake. I'm not a badger. Neither is my Aunt.
 
Larry and Petunia both sigh audibly with relief.
 
LARRY
 
Oh, good. I really didn't want to have to kill you.
 
PETUNIA
 
Yeh, I just got my talons done.
 
She brandishes her paws.
 
Corrugated biscotti. Totally in this season. And great at tearing into flesh.
 
MILTON
 
Good to hear. Well...I'm glad you won't be mutilating me.
 
PETUNIA
 
But what about her fur? Beautiful and course.
 
LARRY
 
The callouses on her paws and that nimble trot.
 
PETUNIA AND LARRY
 
And that side profile!!
 
Both hunch over mimicking Aunt Marge's posture.
 
MILTON
 
Well, I'm glad you appreciated my Aunt. I wish I could tell her. All of these attributes of hers, are due to living a life full of work, twelve hours a day. All work. That is what happens to the human body when there is no release.
 
PETUNIA
 
Pity you don't take after her.
 
LARRY
 
Yeh, you should take a leaf out of her book.
 
PETUNIA
 
Mirror her and you could be a real heart-throb.
 
MILTON
O....k...this conversation ends now.
 
I'm going to the store. So I don't know if you want a hand to get back into your pipes...or how do you want to work this?
 
PENTUNIA
 
Oh, we are going nowhere honey.
 
LARRY
 
We are here to stay. We already told you, we have a purpose.
 
PETUNIA

We have to observe you. See what's up. See what is making you so down.

MILTON
 
Haven't you seen enough with my Aunt?
 
PETUNIA
 
Well, as you said yourself, she is family. Skewed interaction. Nobody acts normally around their family....nah. We need to see you in public and what it is you are doing so wrong in your life.
 
LARRY
 
Sorry Milton, but we are here to stay.
 
PETUNIA
 
As long as there's a problem.
 
MILTON
 
You are the problem. That's Catch 22.
 
PETUNIA
 
It's sad that you think that. That you are so immersed in the issue that you can't see how bad things are for yourself. We are the result, not the cause. But, don't worry, we won't be too disruptive. You just get on with your day and think of us like your guardian angels.
 
MILTON
 
Oh, so you'll protect me and help me if I get into trouble?
 
PETUNIA
 
No.
 
LARRY
 
Think of us as your friendly, harmless stalkers. Who will do nothing in the face of a real threat of danger and may even lead to severe catastrophe.
 
MILTON
 
Well, I feel very reassured.
 
 Milton pushes back the door of his shed, pulls out his bike and rings the bell chirpily. The badgers quickly seat themselves in the basket and look excitedly at one another.
 
Off we go, I guess.
 
EPISODE 2: The Assimilation

Episode 2. Character List (Additional characters).

Ignatious-Innocent owner of bakery stall at the market, who questions Milton's erratic behaviour.

Mason-Owner of the town hardware store and close family friend of the Murphy's. A very popular figure in the town.

Assortment of townspeople-at the market, at the hardware store and who are directly affected by the tractor. Also paramedics who assist Mason.

Garda Eamonn-Garda who arrives on the scene when the Mason is knocked unconscious.

Entire clan of badgers-Both previously seen and new badgers who make up Milton's clan. They arrive in the final scene to give Milton an ultimatum.

Scene 1: Down to the market

Milton cycles into town, noting the badgers turning their heads jovially in the wind. He sees Aunt Marge up ahead and, her car suddenly swerves dramatically, squishing a bunny rabbit.

PETUNIA

Is she drunk?

MILTON

No, she's doing that thing where she deliberately tries to knock down animals.

LARRY

Ingenious.

PETUNIA

We always have to scramble for our carrion but she does it so easily.

They cycle up alongside the bunny carcass and suddenly, without warning, Petunia leaps out of the bike basket and ferociously tears apart the dead animal. She hands Larry a limp paw after devouring most of the rabbit.

LARRY

Begins munching on the paw. Notices Milton's repulsed reaction. blood drizzling down his chin.

Paws for reaction.

MILTON

Whatever image I may have had about badgers from Farthing Wood, not so cute and cuddly up close.

PETUNIA

Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Petunia reaches out, signalling the request for an embrace but a piece of intestine is caught in her fur.

MILTON

No, stay back!

PETUNIA

Ouch. We have feelings too. 

MILTON

We better keep moving. The store might close soon.

The badgers shuffle themselves deep into the basket and turn to smile innocently at Milton but this is compromised by the red bloodstains on their teeth.

Charming. And, off we go.

​They cycle into a small town that is alive with activity. Townspeople mill about their business. It is a Thursday, and accordingly, market stalls line the centre square. Local townspeople wave at Milton as they see him. From Milton's point of view, they are looking at him with concern and pity. He ties up his bike and approaches the first stall. It is a bakery.

IGNATIOUS

Can I help you?

MILTON

A croissant please?

Petunia and Larry start yelling at him from the bike basket.

PETUNIA

Get me a pain au chocolat.

LARRY

I want a savoury crepe with cheese, mushrooms and onions.

PETUNIA

No, you pig. This is a quaint patisserie. Not a commonplace deli. 

LARRY

Oh, I'm the pig. Me? You wolfed down our carrion and left me with a lonely, sinewy, LEAN paw.

PETUNIA

Well, I did the ground work.

LARRY

What you jumped out of a basket?

PETUNIA

And what did I land on?

LARRY

The ground.

PETUNIA

Case in point.

MILTON 

Snaps

Oh for fuck sake. I'll bloody well get a crepe and pain au chocolate too!

IGNATIOUS

Mmm...I'm sorry 

Shocked

We don't actually do crepes here, only pastries. I'm sorry, we have no electricity...so...I just made everything in my house and brought it here. It's...a small business. We don't do crepes.

MILTON

Yeh, I mean...sorry I wasn't talking to you.

IGNATIOUS

What? Who were you talking to then?

MILTON 

My....my bad...My Bad. it's a monologue from a movie. I was rehearsing. An audition for a...

IGNATIOUS

For being a customer at a bakery?

MILTON

Yeh...how did you know?

IGNATIOUS

Well. I heard you.

MILTON

Yeh. Well...you weren't supposed to.

IGNATIOUS

Oh, I'm sorry. You appeared to be talking to me directly.

MILTON

I get that a lot. I hope that clears things up.

IGNATIOUS

It doesn't...really. Must have been a strange coincidence I guess.

MILTON

In life, there are truly no coincidences.

IGNATIOUS

Goes from looking curious to looking furious.

Are you for real?!

MILTON

Except now. This is truly a coincidence.

IGNATIOUS

Just tell me what you want already?!

MILTON

I wish I knew...I mean a pain au chocolat, please sir. I would be absolutely delighted with a pain au chocolat. 

IGNATIOUS

One pain au chocolat coming up.

MILTON

Well, actually, three please. One for me and one for my two friends here.

Gestures towards the basket. Sees Ignatious' strange look.

I call my bike and basket my friends.

Ignatius looks even more perplexed.

Yehhhh...not sure why I thought that would make me look less unhinged.

Ignatius extends the paper bag of pastries towards him, smiling and shaking his head, as if to tell Milton that he needn't say another word.

A bientôt.

Milton backs away, retaining eye contact until he reaches his bike, then flings the pastries into his basket, which are devoured by the badgers, bag and all and he clambers to unlock the bike.

Scene 2: True colours shining through

MILTON

​Awkwardly shuffling along, still recovering from the bakery incident.

Okay you two, don't pull any of that stuff at the next place. 

PETUNIA

Larry couldn't pull even if he tried.

LARRY

Hey, how dare you Petunia. I am never shy of a dance partner at the discotheques.

MILTON

Seriously, don't keep jabbering at me when I am with people, they are starting to think I have completely lost it.

LARRY

Starting!?

Petunia covers Larry's snout, preventing him from talking.

PETUNIA

What did I tell you about repetition Larry? I gotchu Milton. I GOT YOU!

Milton tentatively rolls his bike in the entrance of 'Hardy's Store'

MILTON

Seriously, be good here. The owner is a close family friend and we can't afford to sever ties. Every single piece of furniture in my house is because of him.

PETUNIA

A real life criminal! He should be on death row.

MILTON

I have great furniture.

PETUNIA

Ah, I can see he has brainwashed you too. He's a monster.

MILTON

Aggressively

Ssshhhh!

A fellow customer turns to him quizzically.

Sorry, just the music is a bit loud for my taste. What is this heavy metal?

Ariane Grande 'Lose you to love me.' plays softly throughout the store. Rushes past the  disgruntled customer.

MILTON

To badgers.

We need lots and lots of paint. I want to spruce up the house a bit.

​Badgers leap onto Milton's shoulder as he leans the bike against a wall near the entrance. He peers at the placards hanging from the ceiling, trying to find a marker for the house paint.

MASON
Will you look who it is!?

Mason is the extremely muscular and tanned owner of the store. He wears a plaid shirt, rolled up at the sleeves to reveal his farmer's tan. He has a large meaty face, rosy cheeks and a beaming white grin.

​My favourite Murphy, how are ya? Don't tell your Aunt Marge I said that, eh?

MILTON

Haha, I won't. How are you Mason?

MASON

I can't complain now, can't complain. What brings you here? Delighted you're here, either way.

MILTON

Just looking for some house paint, you know. That time of year, feel like mixing things up.

MASON

Yeh, yeh, yeh. I get ya. Well you have certainly come to the right place, let me show you.

Mason thumps his large hand on Milton's shoulder (the one that is farthest from him). Milton hears a long, high-pitched screaming from Larry who is trapped under Mason's hand. Milton quickly shrugs Mason's hand off.

MILTON

Sorry, Mason. Can't let you do that. I have a terrible, terrible...pain on my shoulder.

MASON

Haha...don't you mean in?

MILTON

What?

MASON

Pain in my shoulder. You said you had a pain on your shoulder, as though it was just sitting right on top of it.

MILTON

Prolonged awkward laughter.

Diiiiiid I? Well...how ridiculous would that be? Nonsense!

MASON

How'd you get it?

MILTON

Alarmed.

Excuse me...get what?

MASON

The shoulder thing.

MILTON

You know...I have been trying to figure that out myself. I do not have the foggiest.

MASON

Could be stress you know. Stress and a hectic lifestyle can bring on all sorts of ailments.

MILTON

Honestly, you may very well be correct.

MASON

Anyway, with the painting; some nice, soothing colours can completely alter the brain. Reduce stress and release endorphins.

MILTON

Well, I'll take all of the endorphins I can get. Hook me right up.

The two men come to the back wall of the store, which is thronging with tins of paint. MILTON strains his neck to see the top.

MASON

Now, we have every single colour your imagination could think of. Don't limit yourself. Ask and you shall receive. So whatever colour, tone or shade you want, just give us a shout.

PETUNIA

Snarls.

Bet they don't have biscotti.

LARRY

Leaps from Milton's shoulder onto the paint rail.

Bet you they do.

Larry recklessly starts climbing up the shelves, tins of paint wobbling and some moving closer to the edge.


MILTON 

To Mason

Well, what would you recommend for me?

MASON

How would you describe your sleep? Restful, uninterrupted, sound?

MILTON

Similar to that but also discombobulated, terrifying and exhausting.

MASON

Riiiiiiiiight. Hmmm...well soothing colours are a good way to start. There is definitely an integral connection between the mind and the body so once you feel better in your head, your body will follow suit and should achieve a restful, fulfilling sleep.

MILTON

Okay...well what colours should I be considering?

MASON reaches up and propels himself onto his tiptoes in order to reach a particular pot of paint.

I would always put my money on teal. Such a gorgeous, reliable colour.

Begins to read off the back of the paint tin.

Teal blends blue's tranquil stability with greens freshness and optimism properties. This colour is a revitalising, rejuvenating, calming colour that represents clarity of thought. It calms and balances the mind and emotion-

Larry suddenly lets out a bloodcurdling scream.

LARRY

WATCH IT!

Milton just about has time to quickly take a step back as a large pot of paint hits Mason squarely on the head and he keels over dramatically.

MILTON

Furious

Larry, you imbecile! I told you to keep a low profile dammit.

LARRY

Oh Milton, be quiet. I was on a biscotti mission. Besides, he is completely fine.

(They all peer towards Mason as a thick, red pool forms around his head.)

MILTON

Spins around dramatically, yelling.

Ambulance, ambulance!! Somebody, please?! Please call an ambulance?!

Milton feels a large hand grab his shoulder. In shock and surprise, Milton swings around and punches the culprit. He notes it is Mason, who momentarily sways and then collapses once again into the pool of red liquid. This time he is truly unconscious. Walks over and checks Mason's pulse, notes he is still alive. Curiously dips his finger into the red liquid and smells. A look of relief crosses his face as he picks up the tub of paint Larry had dropped, with the word "Crimson" written on it in large font. Breathes a sigh of relief and slowly turns to see a group of onlookers, staring at him , aghast.

Weakly.

That still stands for the ambulance people. You better call them.

Larry, pushes himself through the witnesses with a look of determination and urgency. He has another tin of paint in his paws.

LARRY

On the bright side, I found biscotti, It was actually on the bottom shelf so none of this need have happened.

Milton turns to him and gives him a deathly glare.

And I'm gonna stop talking now.

PETUNIA 

Amen to that.

Scene 3: She brings me great joy

Noises of ambulance as Mason is carried out of the store on a stretcher. Milton exits shortly after, accompanied by two policemen on either side of him.

MILTON

So, you see, Garda, when he reached for the teal paint, I guess he must have knocked off the set of shelves and loosened the crimson tins up top. It just absolutely came out of nowhere and knocked him out.

GARDA EAMONN

And...what about all of the witnesses who say they saw you yelling 'imbecile', then punching him?

MILTON

The fumes from the crimson paint...having leaked everywhere. At that stage the fumes were quite strong. I don't think any of us could be trusted to provide a reliable account from that point on.

GARDA EAMONN

Ok...well...Milton. Considering the trauma you have been through this evening...and maybe...the fumes also... we thought it best, you be chaperoned home. So we called your Aunt Marge.

MILTON

Panicked

You did what?!

GARDA EAMONN

Unfortunately, she couldn't be here. So...she sent a rep.

Tim coyly steps forward. He seems nervous.

TIM

Well, Milton. I'm here to give you a lift.

MILTON

You, give me a lift? YOU?! Tim I have been giving you spins into town for the past five years...how...HOW are you supposed to give me a lift home?

TIM

Turns towards a large, awkwardly parked Massey Ferguson, that takes up half the road.

She'll get us there, alright.

MILTON 

Peers at the tractor in absolute horror.

You cannot be serious? Garda? That thing's a deathtrap.

Looks to Garda Eamonn searchingly.

GARDA EAMONN

I'm following strict orders. And this is where my orders cease. Good day fellas.

Garda Eamonn scurries away unapologetically.

MILTON

​Peers at Tim for an explanation.

Tim...you can't possibly expect...

TIM

I have had my tractor's license since I was sixteen Milton, you're in very, very good hands. And you are in no state of mind to be driving yourself. Especially not driving a bicycle.

MILTON

Tim, you can't possibly be telling me that you consider it to be as dangerous to drive a bike as it is for all four of us to squish into that monstrosity?

TIM

Suspiciously.

All four of us?

MILTON

Oh ya...

Scrambling.

​Sorry, I just thought...the two Gardai might come too.

TIM 

Bursts into laughter.

Sorry, I shouldn't laugh. That is ridiculous. Why would they come with us instead of taking their squad car? This is exactly why you need to come with me. You are completely delirious. It looks like you are hallucinating again.

MILTON

Defeated.

You must promise me Tim. PROMISE ME. We will not go beyond the 20km per hour mark?

TIM

Ya...well not in these built up areas anyway. We'll take it handy on the open spaces too. I saw a huge amount of roadkill on the way over here, animals must be walking into cars or something.

Milton braces himself and looks suitably queasy. He places his bike carefully in the trailer attached to the tractor, as well as two large tins of teal paint and tries to put the badgers in too.

LARRY

Squirming back up onto Milton's shoulders

Oh no, you don't!

PETUNIA

We are riding up front with you.

LARRY 

We need the authentic experience. We need to experience your day as you do, not a watered down version.

MILTON

But, this could be extremely dangerous.

TIM

Snapping, in an uncharacteristically angry way.

For goodness sake Milton, I already told you we would take it easy.

Calms himself, exhaling slowly.

Sorry, I just...I get frustrated when someone insults my tractor. She's my baby.

Tim strokes one of the mud-flaps, ignoring the dirt that is propelled everywhere as he does so.

She means the world to me.

MILTON

Muttering.

And they think, I am the crazy one....

Heaves himself into the tractor, peering queasily at the floor, which is far below. The badgers, perched on each shoulder, take extra precaution by latching their talons into his hair, leveraging themselves against potential bumps ahead. Tim slots the key in and the entire machine starts bouncing gently, it is extremely noisy. Tim laughs hysterically at the sight of Milton's terrified expression.

TIM

She brings me great joy!

The tractor lurches forward and appears at all times, to be susceptible to falling on it's side on either side in the very narrow streets. Milton shakes his head apologetically at the terrified pedestrians that crush themselves flat against buildings as the tractor passes. As they exit the village, into a more open space, Tim glances at Milton's worried expression.

​I know just the thing to cheer you up. I was so nervous on my first tracker ride too, a couple of years ago-

MILTON

A couple of years ago...but Tim you said you had your tractor license since you were 16?

TIM

Bites his lip

You got me. You got me boyo. Can never get one past you, eh? This is why you have the high powered tech job. In my family, nobody has a real license but we drive tractors to live, it's a poetic license of sorts. ANYWAY, I have just the thing to help. 

Tim turns the radio on, which immediately begins crackling. Tim uses one hand to rummage through an old box full of cassettes that is rammed in beside the gearbox and the other is completely in control of the gigantic steering wheel. He splits his focus between the road and the radio. Milton looks on in terror, even the badgers look nervous.

This will put your mind right at ease.

Suddenly they go over a bump and Tim swerves to avoid a pothole, one side of the tractor lifts off the ground, with the wheels leaving the surface completely.  Milton and the badgers scream hysterically. Tim ignores their screams and smiles at Milton, his focus once again, no longer on the road.

This will calm you right down.

He forcefully crams a cassette into the player and out blasts Shania Twain at full volume, "Man, I feel like a Woman."  In messing with the cassette, Tim did not notice a large pothole, and the tractor goes right into it. They dip sharply and dangerously. The badgers rip chunks of Milton's hair out, causing him to roar in agony and Tim lunges forward, bashing his face against the steering wheel. He manages to control the tractor and turns to Milton smiling, blood gushing from his nose, which may be broken.

Completely at peace.

Scene 4: The usual, please.

Tim stares and smiles psychotically, blood still gushing form his nose as Milton awkwardly climbs out of the tractor, His legs have turned to jelly from the traumatic experience and they buckle under him when he hits the ground, causing him to fall over. He falls on the badgers and they cushion his fall.

LARRY

Get off of me, you great big lummox!

Milton jumps up quickly when Petunia pokes a talon into his backside.

MILTON

Ouuuuch.

TIM

Tim, standing nearby, having pulled the bike and cans of paint from the trailer, sees the fall.

Oh, come on now, Milton. It was only a small fall. I don't see any blood.

He laughs at this, as his own bleeding nose streams down his face. The billow from the laughter causes the blood to project outwards. It splashes across Milton and the badgers and completely douses them. They stand upright, staring straight ahead, resembling the token image from 'Carrie' the horror film.

Ok...NOW I do.

​Tim lets out one last uproarious laugh, and heaves himself back into the tractor again, starting it up and barrelling off into the distance, chuckling to himself. Shania can be heard for miles around.

MILTON

I know you don't like repetition Petunia but...some things deserve emphasis.

And they think I am the crazy one?

The three of them are shell-shocked. The badgers take a can of paint each and Milton takes the bike and they trudge back to the house. Milton breathes a sigh of relief when met with the familiar surroundings of his home. Once inside, he throws off his jacket and flops onto his bed, breathing a sigh of relief.

​I love my bed. This, this is what truly makes me happy. If ever given the choice to do anything, I choose this. The usual please, every time.

The badgers ears begin to twitch and they stand on their hind legs.

LARRY

Ah ha!

PETUNIA 

Yes, indeed.

LARRY

Are you thinking what I am thinking Petunia?

PETUNIA

Maybe, just this one time.

LARRY

Familiarity breeds contempt.

PETUNIA

"The usual" is not good for the mind or the soul. We do not respect the usual. Do too much of the usual and you lose respect for life.

LARRY

You're stuck Milton. In a rut. We need to get you back out there again. Get you excited again.

PETUNIA

Give you a zest for life!

MILTON

I would much prefer to just don my Jim jams, whip up a cup of hot cocoa and listen to the rain outside from the comfort of my bed.

PETUNIA

Retching.

Listening to rain? Do you hear how boring you sound? You are a young man in your prime...you should be...you should be out there...you should be-

LARRY

Extremely excitable, roars.

Causing the rain!

PETUNIA

Frankly

That one may be a tad ambitious. But you should at least try to get some sun.

MILTON

Curling up with his book.

Ya, sure guys, all this sounds...really...great. But ugh...right now I'm wrecked. We had a long day and alls I wanna do is read my book.

PETUNIA

Suit yourself, we gotta get back anyway Larry, it's around about tea time and I betcha they will have brought back that feast that Queen Marge supplied us with.

LARRY

Eyes light up.

Oh ya, you could barely see the road from the roadkill. All hail Queen Marge.

The two of them clamper over to the cupboard beneath the sink. Petunia peers out from the cupboard.

PETUNIA

And Milton, don't think this is the end for even a millisecond. This is only just the beginning. Catch you later.

And in a frenzy of pipe clanging, the badgers disappear from sight.

SCENE 5: Going forward

​We see from Milton's POV as his eyes flutter awake. He is coming out of a slumber and feels something warm and fuzzy on his face.

MILTON

Aggy?  Oh Aggy....so cozy. Let's just stay in bed for another hour, shall we? It's Friday after all. There's gonna be that hour lull in the morning at work when everybody chats about the weekend anyway.

Feels sudden jab in his shoulder. He realises he has been bitten by a badger.

Aghhhh!! Get off me! Get off me, you hideous beast.

He tries to lift the badger from his face but it is very, very heavy. He hears a familiar retching laugh and sure enough this is followed by the overpowering stench of a cigar.

Harry?! Harry, is that you go? I would recognise that cigar anywhere. Get the hell off me Harry, you're suffocating me here!

HARRY

Heheheh.  Wise guy still, but this time a little wiser.
How you doing Milton, happy to see me?

MILTON

Muffled

Well, I can't actually see you. Please get off me!

MAUD

That's enough now Harry, you don't want to accidentally kill him, like the last guy.

Milton hears this and starts screaming, this is muffled by Harry, who is still lying on his face.

HARRY

Maud, you gotta stop saying that all the time. It panics people. Besides, you got it all wrong. He was just in a coma for a few months.

Harry finally shuffles off of Milton, who gasps for air and coughs hysterically.

Hey, hey, hey, rise and shine. That's what you get for lying in. We want you lively, my boy.

Milton sits up in bed, rubbing his eyes. When he opens them, he gasps in shock. The place is covered in badgers from floor to ceiling. Even more than he saw in the sett on his first visit.

MILTON

What in the name of...all that is...who...what...why?

HARRY

Yeh, there's a lot of us, huh? We're a big clan, might be a bit shocking the first time you see us all together.

GRAHAM 

Watch out!!

Graham, had been hanging from the lampshade on the ceiling light in the living room, for no apparent reason and it gives way, sending him and the light crashing to the ground in a flurry of glass and fur. The badgers below just about make it out of the way in time. In the corner of his vision, Milton sees Alan, brandishing a wonky looking cup that is covered in duct tape.

ALAN

Like brand new.

When he notes Milton's confused expression.

Your ugly mug.

Milton laughs. He looks around awestruck. Every square meter of the house is covered in badgers of all different shapes and sizes.

HARRY

Believe it or not, Mr Milton, we are all yours. We are your badgers.

Every last scrap of fur, down to the molecule, down to the very atom was derived from you. Your thoughts. Your good thoughts. Your bad thoughts, Your confused thoughts but most of all your sad thoughts. Your "I don't know why" thoughts. Your "I just don't feel like getting out of bed today" thoughts. Your "where did the time go" thoughts. Your "She could have loved me if I had just" thoughts. Your "things could have been so different" thoughts. Your "why amn't I" thoughts". Your "If I had only" thoughts. Your "if I was only" thoughts. Your "I'm so lonely" thoughts. Every thought you have ever produced, contributed to us.

And we are here to help you.

Believe it or not.

If we can.

It's not always possible, but we do try.

MAUD

Nodding in agreement, red top knot and luminous pink nose bobbing up and down.

We always try our very best.

HARRY

And, in turn. That, truly, is all we ask of you too. That you try your best.

All of the badgers faces turn to look at Milton, wide-eyed and expecting an answer. Long, awkward pause.

Well, we can't hear you?!

MILTON

I always try my best.

All of the badgers groan in embarrassment, in unison.

HARRY

NO!

Congratulations hot shot, on picking the only possible wrong answer in the long list of answers you could have selected. You see, wise guy, we wouldn't be here at all if you had tried your best.

MILTON

Ahh, I see. 

My mistake.

HARRY

Okay, yada yada yada, enough of the self-flagellation. Just promise us NOW, going forward, you will try your best.

MILTON

Peers at a particularly tiny badger, sitting at the post of his bed, with disproportionately wide eyes peering at Milton, waiting for his confirmation.

I really do. I really do promise to try my best going forward.

The badgers breath a collective sigh of relief.

HARRY

And even more important than trying your best my boy is RECOGNISING you tried your best and giving yourself credit for it. Do you get me?

MILTON

I do.

HARRY

Because if you don't celebrate at all, you will never try. On the other hand, if you celebrate too much, you will forget what trying looks like. So be reasonable for Chrissake.

MILTON

You are not the first to have said that to me.

He glances momentarily at the distorted mug in Alan's paws. .

You are not the first.  

HARRY

But let us be the last.

Badgers roar in unison, causing the entire building to shake.

MILTON

I will try my best.

Badgers roar in excitement again and Milton leaps up jovially.

GRAHAM

Arghhhh!!

His tail has caught fire from the electric heater. He goes to the sink to extinguish it but instead of running it under the tap, sprays a mysterious cleaning product on it. It ignites even more than before and he screams frantically until a fellow badger roughly shoves him into the sink and turns the tap on full throttle, extinguishing the flames. Graham chuckles jovially.

MILTON

Drily.

Well, I personally refuse to believe he came from me.

EPISODE 3: Working it Out

Episode 3. Character List (Additional characters).

Rolo-short legged and quick tempered, tiny, adult badger

Maria-Elegant, innocent badger 

June-mean spirited, sarcastic badger who is very mischievous 

Thandy-local Chemistry and Math secondary school teacher, who Milton has a major crush on. Recently married but experiencing disillusionment with her marriage 

Jane-Aunt Marge's colleague and best friend. Equally as cruel as Aunt Marge, an avid hunter who wears an excessive amount of lipstick at all times.

Night club goers-Various people dancing and schmoozing within the city centre nightclub on Milton and Tim's night on the town.

Bouncer-Bouncer of the nightclub who reacts angrily to Tim accidentally throwing his bottle of wicked at him.

Virginia-Milton's ex fiancé who he bashes into mid-way through a Todrick Hall-esque extravagant dance sequence.

Scene 1: The grind

It is morning, the crack of dawn, circa 6am. Milton bursts from the house. He is wearing a gigantic headband, large overhead earphones and is decked out in obviously new, expensive, on-trend running gear. He wears matching wrist and ankle warmers, a fitbit, lycra running shorts and an asics singlet. He is a man determined. A group of badgers follow shortly after him, each one wearing the same matching ankle and wrist warmers and headband combo.

MILTON

This is it guys, a new lease of life. Healthy body, healthy mind.

ROLO

Don't go too fast. It's not fair, you have longer legs.

MILTON

Yeh, but I have more weight to carry too. Move yourselves.

MARIA

How far are we gonna go? 

MILTON

Well, at least the recommended daily steps of 10k per the Fitbit.

JUNE

Squealing

Whaaaaat? That is like 50k steps for us, you selfish blob.

MILTON
 
Keep calling me a blob June and I'll add 5k steps onto that.

JUNE

I mean it affectionately. You're not just any old blob. You are our great, big, selfish blob.

MILTON

Thanks...I think.

Large Skoda Kodiaq GT SUV pulls up alongside them. Thandy, a local beauty, leans out to greet him.

THANDY

Hey Milton. Long time no see, you training for something?

MILTON

Immediately mortified. Milton ​has always had a crush on Thandy.

Thandy! Long time no see, indeed. What...it has to have been at least a year, and not even a peep but of course now, NOW is when we bump into each other. Just so you could see me looking like this.

Awkwardly pulls at the lycra to try to loosen it a bit.

THANDY 

Laughing jovially.

What, are you kidding me? You look great! If I didn't have to go to work, I would be tempted to jump out and join you myself.

MILTON

Giggles nervously.

Where...uh...where are you working these days?

THANDY

St Agatha's...your old school right? I remember...you named your cat after it, right?

MILTON

Smiling.

Haha. Kind of. I think I told you that when we were drunk. My cat is actually Agnus. For some reason, I guess, I thought that might impress you?

THANDY

Haha, that's wild. Both that you lied and that you thought that would impress me. 

Well, I ended up getting the H-Dip and now I'm teaching Math and Chemistry above there.

MILTON

I'm not surprised. You were always so smart.
​
Badgers, exclaim the following, in unison.

ROLO

Tell her she's pretty.

JUNE

Tell her you like her hair.

MARIA

Tell her the colour of her eyes is beautiful.

MILTON

I like the pretty colour of your beautiful hair.

THANDY

Looks momentarily taken aback, then laughs.

Hehe. You are joking right? The colour of my hair...black. It has always been black...naturally black.

You're funny, Milton. I...ugh...actually, I got it cut for my wedding about two months ago.

She flashes a large wedding ring at him.

My husband...actually. I think you might know him. I met him at St Agatha's. Tony Toole. Woodwork teacher...must have been in your class way back when?

MILTON

Going bright red.

I do...I do seem to recall a Tony. Well, huge congrats to you both. Anyway, I better be going or I'll never get married...MOVING...I'll never get moving.

​Badgers all cluster around his feet, trying to prevent him from leaving.

ROLO

No, you can't leave it like this!

MARIA

You MUST, MUST, MUST tell her you love her.

JUNE

Drily and cruelly.

Tony friggin' Toole? Talk about scraping the barrel. Even you weren't half as much of a nerd as Tony.

Milton continually trips over the badgers as he runs away.

MILTON

Almost apologetically to Thandy.

Ahh...I'm wobbling all over. Haven't been running in ages. I have complete virgin legs.

​Cringes at himself.

Not...like...virgin in the literal sense...​virgin meaning new to running. I am the opposite of a virgin in real life, just so we're clear.

THANDY

Laughing.

I forgot just how funny you were Milton. I'm so glad I bumped into you. We must grab a coffee some time.

JUNE

Drily.

Ya, bring Tony too. Renew the wedding vows. Milton, you can preside over the ceremony as priest while you're at it. Same celibate lifestyle...in terms of exercise and workout routine that is.

Laughs darkly.

MILTON

Finally free of the cluster of badgers, breaks into a fast jog.

You call by any time you want Thandy. Even this evening. Why not? We can crack open some champagne and celibate...CELEBRATE your marriage and job.

THANDY

Laughs and toots the horn.

Sounds like a plan Milton, see you later so.

When the SUV is out of sight, Milton dramatically decreases speed and starts cursing himself.

MILTON

Dammmmmit. Why do I always crack under pressure?

To badgers.

God, I didn't mean to invite her over.  We were supposed to paint tonight.

JUNE

Chanting.

I think you love her, you want to marry her, you want to-

MILTON

And absolutely on your best BEHAVIOUR this evening guys, promise me, no evil doings? 

Guys?

Badgers have broken into a high speed gallop ahead of him, he can hear their excited cackling echoing into the wilderness.

SCENE 2: Real Work

Milton's face is scrunched up in concentration. He has two cans of teal paint, open by his side. He is still wearing his workout headband. A flurry of badgers surround him, interweaving his legs rapidly, every now and then dipping their little paws into the paint tin and splashing it against the wall.

MILTON

Knuckle down boys, knuckle down. There's only one way to get ahead in this life and that's hard work. So, knuckle down. I don't even know if you have knuckles to be honest. But, if you do, use them. And if you don't, use whatever you have in their place.

 Graham suddenly lashes at the wall, digging large scrape marks into it with his talons.

Not quite Graham, not quite. I think we should move you off of the hands-on painting duties...how about we put you on Management duties? You will be the great overseer. In charge of all the others?

GRAHAM

Initially deflated, turns to ecstatic delirium when Milton outlines his superior status.

Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

Produces a supervisor's badge out of his fur and puts it on. Notes Milton's look of surprise.

HARRY

Billowing smoke circles from his perch on the bed and cackling.

Never question a badger. We just make things happen. 

MILTON

Okay now, Graham. Make sure they don't scratch the walls. No streak marks either. Don't use too much paint or too little. We don't want ugly bald patches or uneven tones.

JUNE

Yeh, then the walls would start to look like you.

Ripple of sniggers emerges from the group of painting badgers.

MAUD

Painting with a tiny brush, ensuring that the lines around the skirting boards are perfectly straight. Wearing a beret.

June!! I will not have one of my clan make such mean-spirited comments. Apologise to Mr Milton this very instance!

JUNE

Whispers and coughs slightly as she says it.

Sorry.

MAUD

That's better. Remember, as a clan, we don't make cruel observations about the physical deformities of our human, no matter how astute. You never know June, one day you very may well have the same receding hairline issue that Mr Milton so obviously has.

MILTON

Paranoid, adjusts his headband to sit farther up on his head

Ok gang. Just keep focussed on the job at hand please. Don't forget, Thandy could show up at any time-

JUNE

If she does show up.

Sniggers from badgers. Maud slaps her on the back of the head and she goes back to work.

MILTON

Glares at June

She could be here any time. It's 6PM now and midweek so teacher's can't afford to stay out too late on a weeknight. We want to have this done by the time she does arrive as I can't think of anything more awkward than her arriving to a half-painted house-

THANDY

Who...who are you talking to?

MILTON

Spins around, in shock, to see Thandy stationed at his front door, a bottle of Prosecco in one hand, a homemade banoffee in the other.

JUNE

Sharply

Oh, I have to disagree Mr Milton. I think the THIS is far more awkward.

Milton smiling awkwardly.

MILTON

Welcome!

Unconvincingly.

Do, please, do let yourself in. That's why I left the door completely unlocked. Of course it was. That would appear to be the only logical reason.

Laughs awkwardly.

THANDY

I'm so sorry if I surprised you. I...knocked a couple times but I guess you didn't hear me as you were chatting with-

She peers around inquisitively as though there is something that she has obviously missed.

MILTON

It was the radio.

THANDY

What do you mean? I saw you talking when I came in...like I saw your lips moving.

MILTON

Oh, yeh, I meant, I was talking to the radio.

THANDY

Really? As in, having a convo with the radio?

MILTON

In self reflection.

Yet again...I am unsure why I thought that would make me look less unhinged...

Looks at Thandy.

Ehmmmmmm...

Yeh, I was talking to the radio. Does that make me crazy?

THANDY

I think the experts say you're only crazy if you think the radio is talking to you.

MILTON

Ah, in that case, no. Got no responses. That's why I talk to the radio so much, he's a great listener.

THANDY

​Stares at him quizzicallyfor a moment then breaks into raucous laughter.

This is why I love you Milton. You are sooooo funny. Funniest person I know.

JUNE

Slyly

Not as hilarious as Tony dryshite Toole though, right?

MILTON

LET ME!

Holds out teal-soaked hands to take the banoffee. Paint gets all over the makeshift plastic covering. Milton furrows his brow apologetically.

THANDY

No, it really, doesn't matter. As long as it doesn't get on the cake itself. Destroy the box with as much paint as you want. If I may-

​Picks up a paint can.

-it is an absolutely gorgeous colour....Turquoise is it?

MILTON

Teal.

THANDY

Wow, gorgeous sounding too.

MILTON

They say good for the mind too. Good for the soul and spirit . It is supposed to induce tranquility and balance.

THANDY

Mock gasp.

You're so informed Milton. How do you know all this stuff? You're wasted in the tech industry, you should work in teaching....though rumour has it that teachers can't afford to stay out too late?

MILTON

Laughs awkwardly.

I just thought...you know, with classes, you would need your rest.

THANDY

Pops the cork on the Prosecco.

How conscientious of you. Luckily though, I have tomorrow off for the day that's in it. Surely you have it off too?

MILTON

I guess...

Caught off guard

I just didn't think about it. Nobody mentioned it at work...and I listen so, SO intently on the group calls. I guess my company just doesn't recognise it.

THANDY

Laughs.

They don't recognise a national holiday? A company founded and headquartered in Ireland doesn't recognise St Patrick's Day?

MILTON

Eyes wide.

St Paddy's Day...of course. I ugh...

THANDY

Why do you sound surprised?

MILTON

Sometimes, time just gets away from me.

THANDY

Things must be really bad if you forgot about the best holiday in the world. Where's your patriotism Milton?

MILTON

I know...I haven't been feeling myself lately. 

THANDY

Nothing strange or unusual though, right? No aliens.

MILTON

Ignoring the two badgers who have commenced a race for who can climb the length of his body the quickest.

No, nothing at all like aliens.

Graham running around the house frantically on his hind legs, crashing into things as he tries to remove the paint tin from his head. Somehow, it has become stuck there. Teal paint flies everywhere as he does this and he leaves large, teal badger prints all over the floor. 

Aliens would be much easier.

THANDY 

Stares for a moment and then bursts into laughter.

So funny Milton, Always in such great form.

Milton smiles weakly and goes to put the banoffee in the fridge.

SCENE 3: Go figure

In his dimly lit, cramped kitchen, Milton carefully creates two generous slices of banoffee, using a  breadknife and spoon and he puts them into cheerful-looking bowls on the counter. He removes two gold-rimmed Champagne flutes from a glass box and peers at them intently to inspect them for cleanliness. When satisfied, he gently adds two large ice cubes that are in penguin-shaped form, using kitchen tongs. He generously pours the Prosecco into the glasses and, performing a wondrous balancing feat., garnered from his years spent as a waiter in a high-end restaurant throughout college, he brings the bowls and glasses over to Thandy, who sits elegantly on a two-person chaise longue in the front room. The chaise longue is a hideous mustard colour and is completely shapeless. 

MILTON

Madam, you are served!!

Flourishes her chute and bowl in an impressive, swirling movement. 

THANDY

Laughs.

How did you know that this was my favourite, kind sir?

MILTON

Nobody will ever really know for sure but...I have the smallest, ever so slightest notion that it may somehow be linked to the fact that you made everything you will be served today in the comfort of your very own home. 

THANDY

Mock gasp and giggle.

Pray, kind sir, please do tell me more. Is this a revolutionary new cooking style that has penetrated the culinary world?

MILTON

Absolutely Madam! Simultaneously new age and old age. Ancient and respected yet also modern and subversive.

THANDY

What do you call such genius?

MILTON

We have dubbed this baby, 'home-made'.

​Both of them laugh now and finally help themselves to the Prosecco and banoffee.

Oh looooooord. This is divine Thandy. Is there anything you can't do?

THANDY

Well, as we are here to celebrate marriage that brings to mind an important lesson that I have learned over the the past two months or the 'honeymoon period' as we were misled to believe. Marriage will teach you that you may very well be able to do anything you want but you may never discover how to do anything right.

MILTON

Go on...sorry I don't mean to pry. It just seems as though you want to tell me...all not going swimmingly with Tony?

Badgers swarm around the chaise longue, yelling.

JUNE

You rat!

MARIA 

You dirty scoundrel!

LARRY

You criminal mastermind.

PETUNIA

Not really what we were going for Larry...

To Milton.

you evil, self-centred monster!

THANDY

Honestly...I think it's just...we don't mesh very well together.

JUNE

Snakily

You would love to mesh with her, wouldn't you Milton?

MARIA

Tell her you are so sorry to hear about her situation .

JUNE

Tell her you will mesh with her if she wants.

Larry guffaws.

MILTON

Well...mesh. You know...is meshing an absolute necessity? Some people go their whole lives without meshing. Obviously most religions forbid meshing before marriage but nobody says post marital meshing is absolutely necessary.

THANDY

I'm not quite sure...I don't think we are talking about. the same thing anymore.

MILTON

If you don't want to mesh with Tony, I see no issue.

THANDY

It's not that I don't want to, I tried. I tried very hard.

MILTON

Tony not putting in the effort?

THANDY

Well...actually the opposite. He tries too hard all the time. But at the same time, he makes it clear nothing is ever good enough.

MILTON

Don't let Tony trick you into thinking that meshing is the end all and be all. You mesh with whoever you want Thandy, married or not.

THANDY

Ok...we're definitely not on the same page.

MILTON

In fact, these days, you don't even have to mesh if you want kids. You can coparent with someone you never meshed with at all.

THANDY

​Giggling, a look of realisation dawning on her face.

Mmm...Milton. I am not using mesh as a euphemism. When I say mesh, I truly mean mesh, it's not a code word.

MILTON

Passionately

Call it whatever you want Thandy. I'm not embarrassed, you shouldn't be embarrassed either. Meshing is a very natural thing. Even wild animals mesh.

PETUNIA

Except for Larry.

LARRY

Hey!

MILTON

There is nothing to be embarrassed about.

THANDY

Sadly, I think that there just might be something to be embarrassed about.

MILTON

Takes both bowls of banoffee and puts them on the floor beside the chaise longue. Pours his second chute of Prosseco and knocks it back quickly, bottle poised to pour a third. 

Meshing is not the end all and be all Thandy. But if you can't mesh with the man who you are married to, then maybe, just maybe they are not the right one for you.

THANDY

I get what you're saying Milton. I do. But I don't mean meshing in the way you mean meshing. I mean friendly meshing. Every day meshing. Like I mesh very well with you. Do you get me?

MILTON

Eyes wide, guzzles back a 3rd and 4th chute of champagne. 

Ah ha! I get you now...I have finally worked it out!

THANDY

Haha, I'm glad. I can't think of anything more awkward than a misunderstanding-

MILTON

Rips off his shirt, popping all the buttons and throwing it away, so that he is bare-chested. Makes suggestive eyebrows and tries to do romantic eyes, though he is now very groggy.

I also think we mesh very well together Thandy. Let's mesh right now! Mesh bomb, mesh bomb, you're my mesh bomb.

Milton closes his eyes and goes to kiss Thandy. Thandy yelps and slaps him full force across the face. A combination of the force and his drunkenness cause Milton to flail backwards and bash his head off the edge of the chaise longue. He is out for the count.

MILTON

Mumbling lucidly, though in a state of unconsciousness.

Are you sure about this Thandy?

Though I would love to mesh with you...I don't want to rush things.

Because you mean the world to me.

I don't think there has been a day since the day that I first saw you that I didn't think about you and the way you smiled at me when you said hello for the very first time.

I really, really don't want to mess up what we have Thandy.

But I am so glad you feel the same way as I do.

I love you Thandy.

THANDY

Gasps.

​I'm sorry Milton. We both have had too much to drink. It is getting late and I better get back to my husband. I'm sure we will laugh about this the next time we see each other. See you...you can keep the rest of the banoffee.

​Thandy, red-faced and flustered rushes from the house. Badgers culminate around Milton's limp body, trying to revive him. One of the badgers holds the pot of teal paint up to his nose and tries to waft the fumes up his nostrils.

JUNE

Oh...I can think of something a little bit more awkward than a misunderstanding alright.

PETUNIA

Like, accidentally professing your love for a married woman whilst topless and completely unconscious due to a hideous, mustard chaise longue your ex fiancé made you buy?

JUNE

Don't forget having landed in two bowls of banoffee.

LARRY

Still edible though, right? Like that pavlova we ate?

PETUNIA

Duh.

​SCENE FOUR: I don't dance, I work!

Milton and Tim, clean shaven and wearing their glad-rags, sit in Milton's Opel Astra, with Milton driving. It is dark outside and both of the men are wild eyed and excited. As per usual, a number of badgers accompany them in the car. A tiny badger sits on the steering wheel, staring directly into Milton's face, though so small, she doesn't obscure his view of the road.

TIM 

Tell you what Milton, I am so glad you have finally taken me up on my offer of a night out on the town.

MILTON

Your offer? Tim, I'm the one driving us in, I paid the parking for the night too and booked us a table in the club. I also expect that the first round will be on me.

TIM

Yes and probably the second and third rounds too as I'm a little short, what with the Massey Ferguson needing all those repairs.

MILTON

What repairs?

TIM

Ah, nothing serious. Just pricey enough and 'mandatory' apparently. The brakes were a little worn is all. Anyway, it doesn't matter who does what. It was my idea to hit the town to take your mind off things and it's not about the money, it's the thought that counts.

MILTON

Well, let's use some of these valuable thoughts of yours to put the moves on some fiiiiine females tonight because I have a good feeling about this.

TIM

What happened?

MILTON

What do you mean what happened? Why does something need to have happened?

TIM

Well, usually when you have one of your wildly overconfident outbursts, it's because you were rejected and are in denial.

MILTON

Tim, how dare you!! Have you ever heard the expression, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all?

TIM

Have you ever heard the expression, the truth hurts?

MILTON

Tim! That doesn't justify your harsh comments. If the truth hurts, then it should be avoided.

TIM

Okay, I promise you Milton. For the rest of this night, I will never tell you the truth.

Smiles psychotically, unconvincingly.

You will have the best night of your life and you will pick up loads of hot chicks because you're a stud.

MILTON

Yes, from now on you can keep your harsh truths to yourself unless it is an absolute state of emergency.

TIM

Sure. So, where will we start the night?

MILTON

Well, I booked us parking in Q Park for the night, so I reckon, go to any old pub nearby to ease us in.

TIM 

Strained smile.

That sounds great Milton. I can't think of anywhere better than any old pub.

MILTON

Well, don't go out of your way to lie either Tim. Just don't be so unnecessarily harsh.

TIM 

Ya...you're more likely to impress a fiiiine female in a random bar than a club thronging with people who are full of life and vitality as the women in any old bar might not have realised how much hope and opportunity is out there yet. Get them before they see their options.

MILTON

Actually, do go out of your way to lie Tim.

TIM.

K.

The car swerves dramatically into the Q Park station and Milton races to find a spot. He has to go all of the way to the top floor and crams the car into a dangerously tight spot between a jeep and van. Comedic sequence of events as neither Milton nor Tim can fully open their doors and the squeeze is too tight for them to fit out. Milton ends up popping the booth and the pair push the seats down and sliver out the back. Both breathless and red from exertion once they get out.

TIM

AND we are going to have to get back in the same way.

MILTON

Nobody said love was easy Tim.

Loud thundering beeping comes from the jeep right beside Milton's car, Aunt Marge's cackling is heard shortly thereafter. Jeep reverses out of the parking space, leaving plenty of space now to enter and exit. Tinted windows of the driver seat roll down and Aunt Marge peers out at the two men, delightedly.

Aunt Marge??! What happened to your model S?

AUNT MARGE

Oh, this little get up? It's my company car. I drive it when on special business. 

MILTON

What's with the tinted windows? They don't seem safe at all. You were parked there this whole time right? And you couldn't see us because of the tinted windows?

AUNT MARGE

Oh. I saw you.

Cackles.

They're one way and I adore them. I was going to tell you guys but...then I just didn't. We were having too much fun watching your little obstacle course. Jane and I held bets on who would get out first, really made our night.

A sharp faced woman with a very strong jawline and bright red lipstick leans over to wave at them from the passengers seat. When she smiles, it is revealed that there is a huge amount of lipstick on her teeth.

JANE

Yoohoooo. Such good fun. I haven't laughed this much since we went hunting last weekend.

AUNT MARGE

Oh we made quite the killing that day.

JANE

Not a dry eye in the house, between the tears of joy and blood spatter.

Laughs shrilly.

AUNT MARGE

What are you two doing here anyway, isn't it way past your bedtime?

TIM

Milton is making us go on a wild night out where we try to pick up fine females by stunning them in any old bar before they see the hunks in the real club. I suspect it's due to rejection. I found him topless and unconscious earlier mumbling about Thandy. So...he is battling rejection with desperation.

MILTON

Slack jawed.

TIM!  What did I just tell you about never telling the truth?

TIM

Coughs.

But, really, it's because we are young and love to dance and celebrating Paddy's day tomorrow.

AUNT MARGE

Well...be careful now boys. The city girls are not the same as the town girls. And the two of you haven't worked out in years, don't let them dance you into a coma.

Milton gasps in offence when Aunt Marge says he hasn't worked out in years. Aunt Marge suddenly cranes her head out the window, protruding quite far and she gets very close to the men.

And Tim, if you let those gold-digging banshees harm a hair on my nephew's head, I will hold you personally accountable and you will never, ever see your Massey Ferguson again.

Tim lets out a bloodcurdling scream of anguish. The other three ssh him in annoyance.

​Oh shut it Tim, this place has an echo like a cave.

TIM

I'm sorry, it's just you mentioned my Massey and...she gets me worked up.

AUNT MARGE

O...k.

​Revs the engine of the jeep and starts pulling out, window still open.

But, all foreboding warnings and death threats aside, have a good night boys and drink in moderation. Dance like nobody's watching....because they won't be.

Aunt Marge cackles and thunders off at great speed. Milton turns excitedly to Tim.

MILTON

Half singing.

I don't dance, I work.

​Dramatically poses with hands on hip and waits for Tim to join in.

TIM

​Oh tonight is a work night is it? I always wondered what you tech folks actually did. Now I get to see it first hand!

SCENE 5: Werk it

Milton and Tim stand awkwardly on the outskirts of the dance floor in a nightclub with pulsating lights, heavy bass and gyrating hips. Both look overwhelmed. They sip on a couple of bottles of WKD.

TIM

Soooo...what do we do now?

MILTON

What do you want me to do? Give you instructions? I don't know, just go mesh with people.

TIM

Mesh?!

Looks shocked.

Right here in public? Surely, that is illegal?

MILTON

Resigned.

You're right. Don't mesh, but mingle.

TIM

You're like a broken record Milton. Mingle, mingle, mingle. You said that at the last bar and the most mingling you did was mingle your hands through all my peanuts. 

MILTON

Well, it said share bag.

TIM

And share bag outranks hand sanitiser does it?

MILTON

Every single time. Not even a question. Anyways, this is different. That was a squishy, little, overfamiliar pub. I thought it would put us at ease but it was way too high focus. People could hear every single word we were saying.

TIM

Lucky we didn't say one word between us then.

MILTON

Exactly. Whereas, here they won't be able to hear a thing.

TIM

Ideal for flirting.

MILTON

In your case Tim, it's playing to your strengths; Pretending you know what's going on.

TIM

Okay Milton, I'm going in. Wish me luck.

Tim feigns doing the front stroke into the crowd and flings streams of fluorescent WKD liquid at people as he does so. People scream as he does this, which he takes as encouragement.

There's more where that came from people!!

​Tim grabs Milton's WKD and goes to fling the contents at the crowd but loses his grip on the bottle and sends it flying. It hits a tall, broad-shouldered bouncer squarely in the back of the head. The bouncer turns around, furious, trying to identify the culprit. Sees Tim staring at him, notes the second bottle of half empty, leaking WKD still clutched in his second hand. Tim shakes his head in fervent denial but, nonetheless, the bouncer brutishly begins to shovel people out of the way to get to Tim. Tim glances at Milton in terror and legs it out of sight.

MILTON

And then...there was one. 

Drily.

Who am I kidding, there was always really only one.

As he says this, the badgers begin to infiltrate the dance floor. They interweave dancers and drunks. Some of the badgers showcase wild, erratic and highly skilled dance moves, moonwalking and side stepping, as they make their way to Milton. ​A plume of smoke suddenly fills Milton's space and he begins to cough helplessly.

MILTON

Panicked.

Fire?!

HARRY

No smoking room for Harry. Us badgers don't follow the rules. We make the rules dammit.

MILTON

Agh...well at least you might keep me company.

Milton gasps as a strong push in the back of his legs propels him towards the centre of the dance floor.

HARRY

We are not here to keep you company smartass. We are here to make you dance boy. But rumour has it, you don't dance, you work!

Harry cracks his knuckles and his back and starts catwalk strut dancing in a Todrick Hall-esque manner.

MAUD

Wearing a DJ headset and carrying a mini turntables. Loudly and proudly.

NAILS. HAIR. HIPS. HEELS!

Milton chuckles gleefully and begins to get into it. He makes eye contact with a few giggling women, who appreciate how fun he is being. He builds to an ecstatic climax before bashing into a blonde woman. He is breathless and turns to apologise for the thump he gave her. He puts his hands on her shoulder and she spins around smiling. Both of them stop smiling.

MILTON and VIRGINIA

In unison.

It's you!!

Alan appears on Milton's shoulder with the duct-taped cup. He points his grubby little finger at the blonde woman on it.

ALAN

​You lied about the plastic surgery but...I'm glad she doesn't have your ugly mug.

EPISODE 4: The Recall

Character descriptions for the episode.

Additional characters that have not been seen previously:



Scene 1: Keep the change.

Milton and Virginia sit in a cornered off area of the night-club, in a little snug-like area. They are upstairs and slightly away from the main dance floor but the ongoing pulsating beat of the bass still bops along with their conversation, like an underlying metronome. Milton has bought them both two new, fresh bottles of WKD. Virginia sits comfortably, smiling at Milton. Milton, is surrounded by badgers, who cling to him and take up every crevice available. They are jammed under the table and beside him on the chair. They are perched on his shoulders, causing him to hunch, with his shoulders slumped.

VIRGINIA

Milton, I honestly don't know what to say. It has been far too long!

MILTON

Has it? Barely noticed at all.

VIRGINIA

You haven't changed one bit. Except for maybe the dance moves?

Giggles.

What has it been like...

MILTON

One year, three months, two days and-

Glances at watch

-three hours.

VIRGINIA

Yehhhh...crazy how we haven't seen each other in that long. 

JUNE

I don't think you should have gotten yourself another WKD Milton. A desperado would have been more up your alley,

MILTON

Sharply

Yeh, well, time flies when you're having fun.

VIRGINIA

Oh...have you been having fun? I'm glad to hear it. I have had quite a rough time. What have you been up to?

HARRY

Billowing smoke into Milton's face.

Some things never change. Here she goes again with the accusatory questions. 

MILTON

God...I forgot about your little interrogations.

VIRGINIA

Offended

Well...hardly an interrogation. Just, you said you had been having fun and I'd love to hear about it. I still care about you Milton.

HARRY

Yup, another interrogation. Playing the good cop but really, she is the bad cop...hells bells, she is the criminal. Because nobody would think to question the interrogator, would they?

MAUD

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.
And by you, I mean Virginia.
And by me, I mean you.
...
That phrase is kind of hard to explain.

MILTON

Really Virginia? You weren't having any fun? That doesn't sound like you. You had a lot of fun when we were engaged. Just...not with me, apparently?

VIRGINIA

Oh, please Milton. I thought you were over this.
Seeing you out there dancing, so wild, so free...carnal in some ways. It reminded me of when we first met. Not bound, not uptight but free like an untamed beast.

ALAN

Flexes his biceps

I knew she would be into me.

MILTON

Ya, well. I am free of you.

VIRGINIA

Offended

Well, I'm sorry if you felt trapped with me and I'm glad you're doing so well. But, I will not take responsibility for your behaviour when we were together.

MILTON

My behaviour? I was normal. Completely normal. You were the erratic one.

LARRY

You tell her Milton!

PETUNIA

Ya, stand up for yourself.

LARRY

Burn the witch at the stake.

PETUNIA

Too far yet again, Larry.

VIRGINIA

Takes a deep breath and begins rant.

I don't consider being erratic to have been the problem, Milton. The issue was stagnation. It was like living with a dead man sometimes. Every day was the same. Completely and utterly joyless. Like you had resigned yourself to sticking to routine at the expense of all else. Happy to live life as an emotionless robot. 

MILTON

Oh, please. I wasn't emotionless. I was like a joyful robot. Quite sentient. Artificial Intelligence has come a long way you know.

VIRGINIA

And, here you go again. Making light of things when I tell you my real feelings. You always do that. Get serious, blame me and then when I tell you how I feel, you belittle me with jokes. It just undermines what I have said so that you don't have to take anything on board. Why can't you face anything?

June yelps in excitement and jumps onto Milton's face, he can't breathe and struggles to peel her off.

JUNE

You need to FACE up Milton. FACE UP!

Milton ​splutters with discomfort.

VIRGINIA

Looking alarmed

Sorry, if that was harsh Milton. I just...really wanted to say my piece. I never got to say it and...feel as though I do owe you some kind of...explanation.

Milton really begins to show signs of struggle now.

What's wrong? Are you having a panic attack?! What can I do to help?

Milton is spluttering, June is cackling at his discomfort. He flails and struggles to peel her off of his face so that he can breathe. He has gone bright red and can't get a word out.

MILTON

To June, muffled.

Crazy....bold...always bothering me....distracting...me....killing me...feral...

Virginia believes this is addressed to her and looks appalled.

VIRGINIA

We could all name call Milton and point fingers but that doesn't help the matter. Sure, what we had, initially was good. But it fizzled. I am trying to confide in you here and you are just flinging obscenities at me and clearly having some kind of panic attack.

MILTON

Badgers...

VIRGINIA

Ok...Milton. I don't know what you have been drinking. Or may have taken but...I can see that you are taking this quite badly. I just do feel it's important that this is said. We need to talk and get some kind of closure. I do feel like you have to, at some point, take responsibility for your own life. 

MILTON

Finally wrenches June off of his face, he is bright red and spluttering for air.

Sorry...I....I am listening. It's just. The badgers. They made me do that. That wasn't me.

VIRGINIA

​Slowly, incomprehensibly

The...badgers made you do it.

Pauses.

Taking some kind of ownership has always been a problem for you, hasn't it Milton? It's never your fault, it's always somebody else. Do badly at your job, it was a lazy colleague who took credit for your work. Forget my birthday, it was your Aunt Marge who distracted you by shooting you in the thigh with a pellet gun. Yell obscenities at me in a club, it was the small, omnivorous mammals who did it. When...WHEN Milton will you grow up?

MILTON

Fool me once, shame on Virginia. Fool me twice, shame on you.

VIRGINIA

Ah...so it's all my fault? Listen...I thought you had changed. I thought you were ready for this conversation. But...evidently...I can see that you're not. So...you have my number. You now know how I feel. If you could go back to how you were when we first met, then I would be so happy to chat things out with you. But, something is up with you and I can't cope. Give me a call when you have grown up a little.

Virginia exits the snug. At that very moment, Tim bounds in. His shirt is in shreds and he has a black eye but nonetheless and he is manically smiling.

TIM

Ah, there you are Milton!! Thought you had escaped me, did you?

To Virginia, as she passes, mistaking her for a waitress. Hands her 20e.

Two desperados asap, please Miss. You can keep the change.

VIRGINIA

​Stops, gives him the once over and looks back at Milton. Hands Tim back the 20e. 

Oh, honey. You two desperados need as much change as possible.

Tim guffaws and turns to a red-faced Milton.

TIM

The staff here are so crazy. She's still getting our drinks though, right?

Scene 2: You had me at 'how's it going'

Milton groans with pain as he is awakened  by the light triangle that spills through his window. He is hungover and beginning to remember the events from the night before. He groans even more loudly with embarrassment as he notices his discarded clothing and remnants of a takeaway strewn about the place and he begins to remember what happened. Suddenly, he notices a human lump in the bed beside him and he is wide-eyed with shock and curiosity. He pokes the lump gently, and a feminine moan is emitted.

MILTON

Terrified

V-V..Virginia?

The lump does not respond. Milton continuously prods the lump gently but it does not stir. He closes his eyes, exhales slowly and suddenly wrenches the blankets away. Tim is lying in fetal position, fully clothed, whispering girlishly about his Massey Ferguson. Evidently he is portraying both himself and the Massey Ferguson in his dream.

MILTON

Tim!! I never thought I would say this but I am so glad to see you.

TIM

Slurred speech, dreaming and sleep talking

It won't be long until we are back together again now, my love. Just a couple of repairs and you'll be all fixed up and back to your best. It may seem scary now, but you're my number one.

Extremely feminine voice, denoting Massey. Moans in discomfort.

Ahhh. The repairs hurt but being away from you hurts a lot more, Mr Tim. You had me at 'how's it going' Mr. Tim. You had me at 'how's it going'.

Milton panically shakes Tim awake, worried he will hear something he doesn't want to. Tim wakes, groggy at first, then he recognises Milton.

TIM

Oh, hey Milton.

​Pauses and screams shrilly until Milton slaps him.

Sorry, delayed reaction. My fight or flight takes a while to get going.

MILTON

Ahhh the old delayed, selective fight or flight eh? Remind me to call you when there's an alien invasion.

TIM

Missing the point.

Is this another one of your hallucinations Milton? Aliens and planets and outer space are not real ok? It's just something Sigourney Weaver made up to win an Oscar.

MILTON

Right...speaking of aliens. How the hell did we get here and why aren't you at home Tim?

TIM

You are such a lightweight. You really can't remember? We got a taxi here and you left your wallet in the car, so we only had my 20e coz I lost my things when that bouncer chased me. It was like 50 from town and when the taxi driver realised we had nothing else he refused to drive me home.

MILTON

But...Tim. you live next door. 

TIM

Listen, I don't make the rules.

​Awkward pause

What's for breakfast? I hear you are doing this new culinary invention called 'home made'?

MILTON

Panically

Who told you that? Were you talking to Thandy?!

TIM

No, don't be ridiculous. I was just listening to you as you slept.

MILTON

Oh...well that's comforting...in some ways.

TIM 

​Sounds out of bed full of energy and races to the fridge.

​I don't know about you Milton but I fancy a fry from all our dancing and running last night. You must have fierce appetite too.

MILTON

Well...not really. I guess I'm full from the takeaway we got.

Gestures to the half eaten chips and burgers on the floor.

TIM

Oh..that's actually not from last night.

MILTON

Shudders

I really do have a problem.

​Tim whips Milton's bare thigh with a tea towel, creating a loud slap.

TIM

Hup a boyo. Get up will'a. Tis Paddy's Day!!


SCENE 3: Pride

Milton and Tim make their way through the clusters of people. There are throngs of excitable people, donning Irish flags and green clothing and faceprint, with pride. Tim is boisterous and excited, Milton trudges along slightly behind him, accompanied by two heavy-footed badgers who walk by his side, wearing little green neck scarves. Milton scowls and grimaces as a number of children race past him, setting off poppers, hitting each other with green balloons and yelping with joy. They make their way to a large open area, where a huge crowd have gathered. A large truck, which has had its rear renovated into a stage is the centre point. Aunt Marge stands proudly besides the Town Mayor on the stage, with the Town Mayor speaking into a microphone.

TOWN MAYOR

Failte romhaibh! Failte romhaibh go leir a chairde!! I have here with me, a lady who is no stranger to the public eye, a famous figure as such within our town, Majorie Murphy. Myself and the Board believed it to be pertinent and urgent to offer some recognition to Marjorie for the outstanding contribution she has provided to the Tidy Towns over the years. Year upon year upon year upon year, she has gone above and beyond to ensure success and it is our honour and our duty to thank Marjorie today and to tell her how proud we are of her on a National Day of Pride. Do you have a cupla focal for us Marge?

AUNT MARGE

Grabbing the microphone from the Town Mayor

Thank you kindly Mayor, much appreciated. Mile buiochas. I just want to say that words could never do justice to the feeling of superiority we all feel when we win year upon year upon year. There truly is nothing like it and the sweet taste of success makes every single sacrifice worth it. My people, my followers, win at all costs and La Fheile Padraig daoibh!!!

Crowd roars in agreement and delight. A number of badgers jump clear of the crowd to express their support.

ROLO

All hail Queen Marge.

JUNE

Our wonderful leader!

LARRY

THIS IS SPARTA!!

PETUNIA

Almost Larry, almost.

TOWN MAYOR

And this year, a chairde, in honour of the day that's in it, we have dyed the most important body of water in the town green.

OBSERVER

Not Mummy's jacuzzi?

Crowd laughs

TOWN MAYOR

No, Reginald, not your mother's jacuzzi but our very own TOWN FOUNTAIN. Hit it boys.

Crowd roars in excitement and turns to peer at the fountain in the centre square which makes a lumbersome sound and then begins to trickle a green viscous, slowly and laboriously. The odd woop and an anticlimactic scattered clapping ripples throughout the crowd. The Town Mayor nods as though the build up has been justified and awkwardly moves to the side of the stage. A group of tin whistles shriek in succession, signalling the start of the pride and an uilleann pipe lets out a low drone. Milton and Tim slot themselves in amongst the crowd on the footpath, watching the parade go by. There are fully kitted out Irish dancers, donning wigs and in full dress dancing awkwardly to the agonising pace of the crowd, The band of tin whistles, uilleann pipes, a few guitar players, a bodhran player and a couple of fiddles start a familiar jig. Like a well-timed drum beat, cans are rhythmically opened and the waft of beer, cider and warm Guinness hits Milton.

MILTON

Bejayziz Tim, they're starting early aren't they? Some people have no shame.

Turns to see Tim chugging down a bottle of Devil's Bit without stopping for air.

TIM

Gasps for air, then burps loudly.

Sorry there, Milton. Did you say something?

MILTON

Ehhhhm. Nah.

TIM

Here I was worried we would be late but we were literally right on time. Couldn't have timed that one better boyo. No unnecessary waiting around, got to hear the full speech and all and right on time for the parade! Now, the best part of it all. Time to get absolutely langers!!

Tim gruffly shoves a bottle of corona into Milton's hands and nods encouragingly, yet again smiling wildly.

Go on, boyo or people will start to think there's something wrong with you-not drinking on Paddy's Day.

Milton looks hesitant.

For the day that's in it Milton, lad! C'mon now, I thought we were back to normal after last night. Some legend, dancing in the club. Seriously though, drink up and have some national pride. If your Aunt Marge sees you, it will put her mind at ease and she'll be proud of you too! Go on, lad. If I want to get my Massey back, we need to act normal.

MILTON

Oh and public drinking in the middle of the day on the side of the street is normal, is it?

TIM

Exactly. Now you're getting it boy. I was starting to think you had gone a bit weird.

MILTON

Shrugs and sips the corona. Catches sight of Thandy in the parade, chaperoning a float of St Agatha's students up the Main Street. She meets his gaze-smiles and waves, then notices the corona in his hand, frowns, stops waving and looks away.

Hmmm...maybe we can make our way off of the streets Tim, grab some pints with similar minded people?

TIM

Oh...you mean like join the cake sale in the Boy's School?

MILTON

Eh...no Tim. That is the exact polar opposite of what I mean actually.  I wouldn't rank the mothers and children of the local boys school as similar minded people. Though...your brain and one of their home-made trifles probably contain the same functionality.

TIM

Throws his arm over Milton's shoulders.

The abandoned orchard it is boyo. We might get a hold of a few conkers and have a match.

MILTON

Sighs and struggles to clamber along beside Tim, as the two heavy badgers have grasped onto him, one on each leg. He drags them along.

If you can't beat em...have another pint.


SCENE 4: Do you remember?

Milton and Tim push aside rusted gates, that creak open loudly. They make their way up a cobble- stoned pathway, coated in leaves. New leaves don the trees, as spring has sprung. 

MILTON

Something about Spring, Tim...and it's freshness always has me looking back and reflecting on closed chapters. Do you get me?

TIM

Turns to Milton, pupils fully dilated.

I love conkers. We might find some. Have a conker battle.

MILTON

Tim...sorry to break it to you but it's March, the conkers won't be ready until Autumn.

TIM

Stares at Milton blankly

We might find some.

MILTON

Maybe...it's so beautiful to be here, isn't it? The freshness of the trees, the rawness of nature, everything quiet and pure and-

Loud smashing of glass. Milton turns to see that Tim has smashed a corona bottle against the orchard wall.

Tim! Don't do that!

Tim laughs. Milton sighs loudly as he heaves himself onto a park bench and inhales with his eyes closed. He peers around, taking in the freshness. He pats the seat beside him and Tim flops into it.

I don't know Tim. Do you ever think back and just wonder how we got here? Like...wonder what choices got us to where we are now? What could have been different...what choices we made were right and what choices were wrong?

TIM

​Peers closely into Milton's eyes. Quietly.

I really like conkers.

MILTON

Yeh...kind of.

In a flurry of black and white, a group of badgers gallop into the orchard. The rusted gates creak and they shake the trees and crunch the leaves. Graham barrels full force into one horse chestnut tree and a number of conkers fall. Tim sees this and yelps with excitement, racing to collect them all. They are tiny and not fully formed but he is ecstatic nonetheless. He breaks down in tears of joy, falling to his knees, cradling the baby conkers and looking to the sky in gratitude.

I wish I could be as happy as you Tim over something like conkers. Not even fully formed conkers. Just seeds. Why are some people happy with so little and then others unhappy when they have so much? Why do some people need so much more to find joy?

Milton peers into the distance, overcome with nostalgia.

I can recall...

When I was about eleven maybe...for my birthday. And I remember so distinctly the feeling in my stomach when my parents surprised me with a bike. The innocence and purity of it. I couldn't cycle, had never even sat on a bike. But, I remember that morning. Like yesterday. When my dad sat me on the saddle, holding the bike as we went up and down the street. It was like the only thing that I had ever wanted in the world was a bike.

And as the air went through my hair, these waves of joy just rippled through my brain. It was like I could see the ripples almost.

And we stayed out all evening...until dark. It wasn't until Mum made us come back home and I saw my reflection in the hall mirror...hair blown all over, cheeks bright red...it wasn't until then that I realised I had been crying the entire time.

And I think...that...that was the closest I have ever been to being purely happy.

You know...

So happy that I didn't even know it.

Do you get me Tim, did you ever feel anything like that?

Milton feels something on his shoulder. 

Aw Tim.

Looks down to see Tim has fallen asleep and his head is resting on Milton's shoulder. A stream of drool quickly formulates and drizzles down his jumper.

​Tim, you always know how to make a great moment, don't you?

TIM

Sleep talking between drools

You make me so happy Massey. Going through the fields. Away from all the troubles and the worries. All I can hear is your hum and your roar. Nobody else. It's just us two. When I'm with you Massey, I'm home.

MILTON

Pats Tim's head.

Maybe, we are not so different after all.

SCENE 5: What does it all mean?

Milton lies alone on his bed, no badgers, nobody around him. He stares at the ceiling, frowning in a contemplative manner. He releases a leprechaun shaped helium balloon which wafts gently and bounces off the ceiling before settling near the light. Milton pauses, sits up and then peers around his home, taking everything in slowly.

MILTON

What does it all mean, eh? What does it all mean?

Milton peers around expecting to see badgers but the house is completely still. He is alone. He laughs.

And now, for once, when I really want to talk. I am all alone.

He hears a shuffling and sits upright. A flash of black and white jumps onto his bed.

AGGY!! My girl!! I can always count on you.

Aggy nestles herself into Milton's chest and he cuddles her. She meows forlornly.

I would never forget about you my girly. Never! Don't you ever think that. I love you so much. You must be starving.

Meows excitedly in agreement.

Uh-huh. I thought you might be. Like owner, like kitty. Let's see what I can rustle up for us, eh?

Milton carefully gets out of bed, cradling Aggy and makes his way to the kitchen.

​He tentatively opens the cupboards, expecting the badgers to leap out at any moment. He looks slightly dejected to find them all empty. He brings out a large bowl, whisks, flour, golden caster sugar, lemons, baking powder, greek yoghurt, icing sugar, candied lemon peel and butter. He turns the oven on to preheat it and flicks on the radio, switching channels until he finds an upbeat song. He whistles and jives his hips along with the music as he continues to prepare the lemon sponge cake. He generously butters a cake tin and lines the bottom with baking parchment. He whisks the contents of the big bowl, folding in ingredients intermittently. He yelps with delight when he successfully cracks the eggs one handedly without spilling a drop. He inhales deeply with satisfaction once he adds the lemon zest. After pouring the mixture into the lined baking tin, he smooths it out carefully with a spatula and then slots it into the oven. He carefully sets a timer on his phone and then sits at the kitchen table, signalling for Aggy to join him. Aggy saunters over and curls herself up on his lap.

MILTON

​What do you reckon Aggy? It's smelling good.

Aggy nods her head happily and licks Milton's paw. The radio suddenly cuts to static, increasing and decreasing in volume and then cuts out altogether. Milton notices and slowly begins to hum a slow, melancholic song, building to a crescendo. He finishes his tune, then there is an awkward laboured silence. The timer suddenly breaks the silence, ringing shrilly. Milton jumps to his feet and races to the oven to remove the cake. He smells it appreciatively as he lays it down on the countertop. He cuts a generous slice, pours himself a tea and carries them to the kitchen table, where Aggy once again sits on his lap. He inhales with excitement prior to taking his first spoonful of cake, closing his eyes and leaning back. Momentarily, he sighs with disappointment and slouches over in his seat, looking confused. Looks at Aggy.

MILTON

What's wrong Aggy? It doesn't taste good.

Tuts.

Something is missing Aggy.

Pause. Races to the cupboards. Frantically flings icing sugar on the cake, tastes it but looks disgusted. Spots some vanilla essence. With a trembling hand he measures out a teaspoon of the vanilla essence and pours it onto his slice of cake. He enthusiastically mixes it in with the cake, then eats another large gulp. He sighs agitatedly with repulsion.

Something is missing. But I don't know what.

Spots crunchy peanut butter on a nearby shelf, lathers it onto his cake in generous spoonfuls. Looks hopeful but is devastated when he tastes the nutty cake combination.

I don't know what!

Yells in frustration and flings the lemon cake full force across the room. It lands with a splat in exactly the same place as the pavalova had previously. An almighty cacophony of pipe clanging is heard and various cupboards splinter as they burst open. Numerous badgers roll out rapidly and descend on the crushed cake, devouring it in a flurry of teeth and claws. Milton smiles to himself. Close up on Aggy who looks fed up. She licks a spoonful of peanut butter from the spoon in Milton's hand and meows with satisfaction.

​Episode 5: Penultimatum

SCENE 1: Mind the Gap

​Milton and Tim trudge across a soft, mud-drenched field in wellies, carrying a bucket each. They are followed by a troupe of badgers who are struggling to keep up with them in the sludge.

MILTON

Thanks for bringing me out Tim. I think this is just what I need. I'm so glad I took the week off to spend some time with you on the farm. Nature is a great healer.

TIM

We will clean out of the pigpen first. The muck will have hardened in the morning sun so if the water and brushes don't work, we will have to use our hands.

​MILTON

Simply therapeutic.

When they reach the pen, Tim aggressively pummels the water against the floor and walls, grunting with satisfaction. He is red faced with exertion. He turns to Milton, gesturing with one meaty, shovel-shaped hand for him to do the same. Milton inhales slowly, then lets out a roar as he douses the place in water. Tim nods in appreciation, handing Milton a bristle-bottomed brush . The two men start brushing in unison, building to a rhythmic dance like movement. Milton playfully holds the end of his broom to the sky and makes a Star Wars-esque light saber sound. Tim stops brushing, momentarily looks at Milton, then ferociously clacks down with his brush, splitting Milton's brush in half and sending mud flying all over both of their faces.)

MILTON

Frantically wiping the brown mush off of his face, spluttering.

Remind me never ever to be playful with you again Tim.

TIM

Scans the floor which they have cleared of lumps of caked mud.

That'll do pig, that'll do. Ok, the moo cows next, so don't be too loud and aggressive. They're sensitive beasts.

MILTON

You're telling me?!

TIM

Seriously though, no more Star Wars stuff. Cows are simple, mellow creatures and like the calm.

MILTON

Ya, sounds like myself. That's what I really need, a bit of peace and quiet in the fresh air, can't bate it. Sharing the peace with my best friend.

TIM

I'd often wondered what it would be like to marry a cow.

MILTON

Yehhhh...some things shouldn't be shared Tim.

The two men speed towards the rotary milking parlour.  Sounds of machinery and a loud mooing are heard as they enter. The parlour is oval-shaped and Milton is surprised by the platform moving.

TIM

Mind the gaps now, tis easy to lose your balance on the parlour.

MILTON 

Jumps up onto the moving parlour.

Woooow, this is the real Star Wars Tim. It's so high tech...I wasn't expecting this. I thought it would be more hands on. I guess I had you down as more...

TIM

Traditional and natural?

MILTON

Well, backward.

TIM

I can make it move backwards too.

With a loud screech, the rotary parlour changes direction, causing Milton to fall over. Tim winks and waves a little remote in his shovel hand.

Be careful not to call me backward again now.

MILTON

Tim, you sly dog.

TIM

Oh, I can rustle up a few dogs too.

He brandishes the remote threateningly and Milton gulps nervous. Tim bellows with laughter at the look of fear in Milton's eyes. He clicks the remote and the rotary platform comes to a halt, causing Milton to fall over once again..

We have a fun day in store for us Milton boyo. And, if not exactly fun, it will most definitely be long. A grand loooong day ahead.

MILTON

I can hardly wait.

Milton thinks he is hallucinating as the black and white oval of cows seems to start hovering but he realises that the badgers have arrived and are leaping over cows and, in some cases, running along their backs.

​Oh no, I THOUGHT I was rid of you.

TIM

Oh, you'll never be rid of me Milton, boyo. You hear me? NEVER. You're stuck with me for life...and if not exactly life, you'll definitely be stuck with me for a very, very long, loooooooong, looooo-

MILTON

Yeh, okay Tim. I get it, it's going to be a long day.. But, hey, time is already flying. Sure, we left at 6am this morning, the absolute crack of dawn and look what time it is now. It must be at least-

TIM 

Peers at his watch.

6.20AM.

MILTON

Whaaaaaaat? That can't be true!

TIM

That's what it's like here on my farm Milton. Time stands still when you're having fun.

MILTON

Laughs mockingly.

That's not how it goes Tim. Quite the opposite. Time doesn't stand still if you're having fun, it-

TIM

Clicking remote.

I remember now, it goes backwards.

Laughs appreciatively as the reversing rotary causes Milton to topple over exaggeratedly, this time, falling off the platform and onto a cowpat.

You're in my house now Milton. My house, my rules!!

Tim begins evil laugh, which turns into a cough from gulping in the freezing cold morning air, causing him to lose his footing and fall from the rotary. He lands in an even larger cowpat beside Milton.

SCENE 2: My cup of tea.

Milton and Tim rush into the kitchen, shivering and drenched, they are freezing and shuddering with the cold.

TIM

Jayzzzzzziz. I don't know what to tell ya Milton. Who would have seen that coming?

MILTON

Well...you Tim. You should have seen it coming as you're a farmer with crops and things. Surely you follow the weather to know when to graze your animals and how to service your crops?

TIM

Yeh...but that was a freak storm.

Milton catches sight of a paper, splayed out on the kitchen table.

MILTON

Well....it says here ... (muttering to self) level three storm expected mid-day, people advised not to leave their homes...Tim?

TIM

Yeh...I didn't read that.

MILTON

How come it was open on that page then?

TIM

I like to look at the crosswords.

MILTON

But this crossword is blank?

TIM

Yeh, I said I like to look at them. Not do them.

MILTON

O.....K....I would have thought monitoring the weather would have been an absolute necessity for a farmer?

TIM

Yeh, usually but when it comes to tracking the weather, I am not like your average farmer, I'm more...

MILTON

Traditional and natural?

TIM

Well, backward.

MILTON

K.

TIM

Seriously though. I usually can just feel when there's going to be a shower. Like your one from Mean Girls, I feel it in my tits.

Tim guffaws.

MILTON

Tim, that was vulgar.

TIM

I never said I was a role model. Anyway, we tell it like it is here on the farm. Everybody has teats, sure the cows proved that.

MILTON

Enough of this talk of teats. What's next on the agenda?

TIM

Well...your Aunt Marge rang earlier and said herself and Jane will be over for lunch so we better rustle up something nice. I'm this close to getting my Massey back and I don't want to jeopardise my chances by dishing out some soggy sandwiches and putting her off. And we need the Massey back if we are even going to have a leg to stand on in the championships next week.

MILTON

Wait-wait wait, what?!

TIM

Yeh, Marge is coming over for food. I don't know why that surprises you so much, that woman loves a good meal.

MILTON

No, not that part Tim. What do you mean WE? And what do you mean championships? Also what do you mean next week?!?

TIM

We as in, me and you, ploughing championships with Massey-as in All Ireland farming competition with my better half-the best tractor in the world and next week, as in seven days from this Friday. It's already decided, don't bother trying to fight it. Marge has had us signed up for months and she even bought herself and Jane new wellies and binoculars so that they can 'be part of the action but not get too close to the farming crowd'. No use squirming, take it like a man, she has already paid the entry fee out of her own bottomless purse and you know what that means.

MILTON

Yes, I know that woman would never renege on an investment once she has parted with a penny-

TIM

-and she has paid the entry fee off in full sooo...

MILTON

Turns red and slowly exhales with restrained frustration. Picks up a tea towel and yells into it. Tries to regain composure. Through gritted teeth.

I am so glad that you have gone behind my back and entered me into a very public humiliation in a competition I couldn't know less about. Bound to cheer me up.

TIM

Yeh...yeh.

Pauses.

Initially, I was against it but...when you put it that way. Maybe it will be good craic after all. Thanks for putting such a positive spin on it. As long as you're happy, I'm happy.

MILTON

Ahhhh Tim...you'll always have your farm. All I have is my dignity. And now...now you're going to take that from me.

TIM

Not me, Marge is the one who will take all your dignity. Should be good craic though, in fairness. There's a huge gang after entering from the parish. Even people who have never dragged a blood soaked calf from it's mothers belly in the early hours of Christmas morning are going around calling themselves farmers these days. should be a hoot and a half. Absolute blow-ins.

MILTON

Really, like who?

TIM

A load of teachers eager to get their hands dirty. I tells you they will be lost without their iPads and Outlook calendars. A few from St Agatha's, James Kavanagh the PE teacher, John Jo Reilly the Ag Science guy-should be an interesting one, can he practice what he is preaching? Oh and Tony O Toole the Woodwork guy. Actually he will probably be half decent.

MILTON

What? Why? That guys a LOSER. He's bound to be the worst of them all.

June appears on one of Milton's shoulders, Larry on the other.

JUNE

Snarling viciously, stoops her back and leans into Milton, eyes glowing red.

You tell him what a tool Tony is. He stole the love of your life.

LARRY

Snarling even more viciously, eyes also glowing red, leaning close to Milton.

The bread smells really nice, can we have some now?

JUNE

Momentarily breaks out of her evil character.

Get lost Larry.

June stands upright and punches Larry in the face, sending him flying from Milton's shoulder.

Tony O Toole is your mortal enemy and must be annihilated.

MILTON

Tim, not only are we going to partake in the ploughing championship but we are going to absolutely blow the competition out of the water. We must DESTROY THE ENEMY!

TIM

Great to see you so enthusiastic. That's the form boyo! We'll start our regime after lunch. This food better be good seriously, if we mess up Marge's food we may not even make it to next week. 

Milton nods in agreement.

Anyway, no need to panic, I'm sure you're a great cook. You're bound to be. I always see cakes around your place. Well...mostly on the floor but I was assuming you may have been hallucinating and dancing with them and they fell accidentally. Not that they tasted so awful that you threw them on the floor in disgust?

MILTON

Not going to lie...a bit of both. Well, let's try to make something nice for our glorious leader. What are we working with?

TIM

Well, we have bread. And water...milk too. 

MILTON

Come on-give me a bit more to work with Tim, think outside the box dammit.

TIM

Well, we have butter.

MILTON

Outside the box Tim!

TIM

Freshly churned, straight from our cows. So fresh, you'll still be able to taste the warmth of the teat.

MILTON

Every time I think you couldn't get any ruder Tim, you manage to prove me wrong.

TIM

Ah, cheers. I try my best, I'm all about self-improvement. No seriously, we better get started, the bread on the table is home made but we'll have to bake some more, as you know those women could devour a house. Especially as they have been hunting all morning. I think the whole cooking thing will be your area, as I have to go get some ham and...we can make some coleslaw closer to the time of arrival, in about three hours. While I'm getting the ham, can you start peeling and boiling the veg for the soup. And then blend 'em, season 'em and have the soup completely ready and good to go when I get back. Everything goes with veg soup, can't go wrong. I picked all those fellas earlier.

MILTON

Looks towards where Tim is gesturing with his elbow. There's a mound of vegetables on the floor, caked in dirt with worms wriggling all around them and the odd earwig scurrying up for air every few seconds. 

Drily.

Oh, yum. And there I was worried you hadn't planned around the bad weather. Great to have some fresh produce.  Wrenched straight from the belly of the beast.

TIM

Yeh, the belly and the shite. They were fertilised with the manure of some of the beasts you met this morning in the parlour. Their bellies were always full of the finest silage in Ireland, so no doubt that will add flavour.

MILTON

Retches.

​Please Tim, the less you say, the better. You better get going, that ham won't buy itself. I'll try to do as much as possible before you get back from the shop but will need your help, it's going to be a real team effort-

TIM

Oh that ham won't be bought anywhere, twill be farm sourced boy. I'll be back in about three hours. cutting it tight I know, so I have full faith that you will have everything else ready by then, so we can just shove the ham into the sandwiches as the girls drink their tea.

Throws the door open. A ferocious wind blows into the kitchen, sending the vegetables toppling all over the floor. Badgers emerge from all sides to catch them and kick them towards Milton.

Oh and, one more thing. After the clubbing catastrophe-I know I shouldn't have said anything but I told Marge all about it- from us assaulting that bouncer to you harassing your ex-fiance. I told her everything because she made me a nice cup of tea and you know that works like truth serum on me. Anyways, because of that Marge has decided that she needs to take more drastic measures with you. Sooo...she has confiscated Aggy. She wants you to prove to her that you can be a fit mother before she gives Aggy back. So now you know what it feels like to have someone you love on the line. We better turn it up until the championships are over if we want our hostages released. Starting with making the best lunch today. She said we can choose to impress her or do nothing. But if we do nothing then we will never see our loved ones again. She said to consider this our second last chance-a penultimatum she said. And I can't think of anything worse than a penultimatum, can you? CAN YOU?!

MILTON

Stuttering in shock.

Well, there is one thing.

TIM 

Like, what?

MILTON

Well the only one other thing more severe than a SECOND last chance.

TIM

Can't think of one thing WORSE than a chance before a chance before no more chances. What could be, what could be?

MILTON

Well, one up from second, the glaringly obvious. Two minus one.

TIM

You have lost me Milton, you're talking crazy again with your complicated math.

MILTON

Well...a last chance Tim. A last chance would be worse. An ultimatum.

TIM

Nah, with ultimatums at least you know where you stand. Anyway, enough of your jibber jabber, I got to go get us some ham. See you soon.

With an almighty slam of the door, Tim disappears, leaving Milton peering around the kitchen searchingly.

SCENE 3: The eye before the storm.

Milton is wearing an apron, has rolled up his sleeves and has donned his headband. The badgers form a mass production line stretching from the mound of vegetables to the kitchen sink where Milton stands. He snaps his fingers and they send one mud-caked turnip flying along the production line towards him. Each badger removes a little bit of dirt at their station in the line, so by the time it reaches Milton, it is almost free of dirt. Milton closely inspects the turnip, blasting it with water and scrubbing frantically with a Brillo pad. He gives it one last blast under the sink before placing it on a chopping board beside the sink and cutting off any bits of obvious rot. He is intensely concentrated as he peels away the minimal amount of outer waste. Once peeled, he blasts it under the sink again, before chopping it into minute squares and lumping them into a large pot that sits on the stove. He snaps his fingers again and the production line springs into action, this time with an obscenely large carrot. When it reaches Milton, he looks flabbergasted.

MILTON

What in the name of the...I wouldn't have pegged Tim as a user of GMOs but there is no way that grew like that by itself.

MAUD

Clearing her throat. Brandishing a gigantic parsnip in her paw, struggling under its weight.

That's not like Tim, it's not very traditional and natural.

HARRY

Slowly blows out a plume of smoke that he has been holding in his mouth. Rasps as he holds up a gargantuan potato and spins it on his finger like a basketball.

And that's also not like Tim, in that it's not backward. 

LARRY

Presents an unnaturally large radish.

It's not traditional, natural or backward. It's unconventional, unnatural and futuristic.

PETUNIA

Larry, for once, you're telling it like it is but...we have already established that you numb nuts so stop repeating everybody.

MILTON

Impatiently.

Okay gang, this mystery can wait. Can we keep the line going? We have so much to get through before the bloodhounds arrive and of course, Tim has left everything for me to do. Let's get cracking! A couple of you get up here on the counter and help me to scrub and peel.

A few badgers climb onto the countertop, without issue. Graham clumsily bounces up from a chair and barrels into the drying rack, sending glasses, cups and saucers tumbling off the edge of the counter, smashing loudly in succession. He turns to Milton and smiles, shrugging innocently. Milton hesitantly hands him a Brillo pad. Comical, rhythmic sequence of events as Milton snaps and the production line moves rapidly fast. Muck and peel fly everywhere and the pot fills to the brim, in no time. Even Graham seems to have discovered his true calling in life, as he vents his excess energy into scrubbing every last remnant of dirt from the crevices of particularly misshapen vegetables. Milton claps in satisfaction, halting the production line, acknowledging that the massive pot is unable to hold any more. He adds a little more water and pops it on the stove at a moderate heat.

Now...for the bread. Gahhhh...I am very much dreading this, I can tell ye lads. My baking has been off recently. Every single thing I make seems to be lacking something...but, if I want to keep my kneecaps, this better be good. Marge is feral when she is hungry.

ALAN

Drooling.

Mmmm, I for one would love to see a feral Marge.

MAUD

Appears wearing a chefs hat, an apron and carrying a rolling pin. 

Well...that's obvious. WE were what was missing Milton. This is going to be the best bread you have ever made.

MILTON

Hmmm...maybe. Let's hope. I have to admit I'm nervous you guys. I could have really done with Tim, God why did he insist on farm-sourced ham? He could have helped me with all this. Yeh, I know he may seem hapless and unhelpful but I have been really, really impressed by him today. I mean, for one, I can't believe he already made a loaf this morning before we even left the house, for us to eat at lunch.

June picks the loaf up from the centre of the table.

JUNE

What, this thing?

MILTON

June, put that down this instant and stop pawing it. We desperately need that as a fallback plan, in case something goes wrong with ours.

June smiles evilly and hits the loaf off of the edge of the table, which results in a loud clacking sound, as one would expect from a hard object. June starts giggling wildly.

JUNE

Looks like our fall back plan just fell backwards. This thing is rock solid. This thing would break your jaw and shatter all your teeth if you tried to eat it. That is, if Marge doesn't get to you first for serving her a brick to eat on an empty stomach.

MILTON

Oh, stop being so negative and dramatic June, I'm sure it's fine. Anyways, even if he lied about making it this morning, at least Tim made it. It was probably lovely when he did make it. I still have faith in him.

June slams the loaf against the table once more. This time it cuts cleanly in half to reveal a large tuft of black hair in the centre.

JUNE

Ah ha!! This doesn't look like Tim's body fur.

PETUNIA 

Picks up the tuft and smells it.

I would recognise that scent anywhere.

ALL BADGERS

In unison.

Queen Marge!!

JUNE

Looks like Marge made it...maybe half a century ago. You still keeping your faith there, Milton?

MILTON

Stuttering nervously.

That doesn't prove a thing. Could have just fallen into the bowl when Tim was making it. You know Marge's fur gets everywhere when she is in the vicinity.

JUNE 

Picks up one half of the loaf. Turns it upside down to reveal 'Marge' written in large lettering in permanent black marker on the underside. She smiles teasingly at Milton and reaches for the other half, which says 'Made by in equally large, black writing. Singing sarcastically.

You got to have faith-the faith-the faith. No seriously Milton you got have faith because you ain't got no bread and you ain't got no honest friends who can bake.

MILTON

Eyes momentarily flare with panic but he closes them and he breathes slowly for a moment.

Ok guys. Let's just focus on the task at hand. We have to make the best bread we have ever tasted in our whole lives. So, let's get cracking. Petunia get the flour, Maud you get the yeast, I have got the water, June, you're on salt and Larry, you get the olive oil.

LARRY 

But I don't like olives. Why do we have to include olives, that's so Italian. Can't we have traditional bread, that sounds more like focaccia.

MILTON

Perplexed.

So lacking in common sense but still knows that focaccia is an Italian bread. You're an enigma Larry.

LARRY

An egg man? But you don't need eggs for bread, do you?

MILTON 

Sighs with exacerbation.

You just get the water Larry.

Gruffly hands him the jug, Larry nods happily. The badgers form a circle around the table, once again taking up different stations, each measuring out the specifics per the recipe that Harry has scrawled into a huge blackboard that he presides over beside the sink. Once the ingredients have been measured out precisely, the badgers start mixing everything, to form a mound of dough each in little bowls in front of them. Maud speedily cleans the centre of the table of items and scrubs it down thoroughly. She then skilfully sprinkles flour intermittently, as the badgers knead their dough; not too much and not too little, but enough so that the dough does not become stuck or too laden with flour. The badgers all get stuck in and before any time at all, they have a number of loaves ready for the oven. Milton nods happily as he puts them on a baking parchment-coated tray and slots them into the preheated oven. 

MILTON

And here I was thinking there wouldn't be enough. I couldn't have done it without you guys. Maybe I did need you after all.

LARRY

KNEAD us...get it, you KNEAD us, we KNEAD the flour.

All of the badgers groan in embarrassment.

MILTON

I'll knead you next if you're not careful Larry.

Playfully gives Larry a little punch as he slots the last loaves into the bottom shelf.

Now for the fun part guys, the cleanup!

​They all groan loudly once more. Graham lets out a holler, with his breath causing the flour to blow from the table and waft into the air. The badgers all start sneezing profusely. They scrunch themselves into little balls to avoid toppling over. As they roll around their fur picks up most of the loose flour. Milton smiles. 

MILTON

That's it, guys. That's how you do it. Roll it all up and then jump in the sink. I'll give ye a squirt of fairy liquid and ye'll be like brand new and the kitchen will be clean. Eureka!

The badgers don't need further encouragement. They roll from one end of the kitchen to the other, travelling half way up the walls on either end, gaining momentum as they continue. Soon, the kitchen is merely a flurry of black and white, with the badgers indistinguishable from one another. Milton is mesmerised. He begins to become hypnotised and slumps over, against the kitchen wall. He starts to fall into a deep sleep.

MILTON

That's it gang. Keep it up. Keep it up. Black and white, black and white. Back and forth. Back and forth. Don't forget to wash it off in the sink, so you're like span new. And we'll be right as rain for when the gang descend. I'll just close my eyes for a millisecond. I have had a long day but I am sure the hard part is over. It's all quiet and peaceful now, the storm has passed I am sure. I got up so early...I'll just catch a few winks before the guests arrive. I won't be out for loooooooong.....

Milton closes his eyes and falls into a deep sleep. The badgers haven't listened to a word he has said, as they are too busy washing themselves in the sink. They have uncovered Tim's secret collection of colourful sponges and are enjoying digging their talons in and sending bubbles flying all over the place. Loud rumbling thunder underscores their excited chattering, followed by silence. Suddenly, without warning, loud lightning strikes with a deafeningly loud crack. Milton does not wake up.

​SCENE 4: The belly of the beast

The lightening, thunder and rain is now in full force. Milton is still sound asleep. The badgers have joined him for a snooze, they are squeezed into little balls and scattered around the kitchen floor. Streams of smoke start to emerge from the oven, eventually setting off the smoking alarm. It's unbearably loud screech finally wakes Milton. The left side of his face is red from lying on it, his eyes are crusted full of sleep and drool stains are dotted all over his shirt.

MILTON

Discombobulated, trying to get his bearings. Wafts a tea towel at the alarm and opens doors and windows until the alarm stops. Looks at his watch and gasps.

T minus 2 minutes. Craaaaaaaaap. Guys, how did we all sleep so long!? They will be here any second. Has anybody been keeping an eye on the loaves? 

He rushes to flip the oven switch off at the wall-switching the whole thing off, so he doesn't have to mess around with knobs. He swings the oven door open so quickly that he almost gets pulled to the floor with the momentum. A huge cloud of steam enters the kitchen, setting the alarm off once more. It is extremely shrill and there's so much steam that it is a lot harder to waft out of the room. Milton nudges badgers awake so that they will help him. Their efforts to help are futile, as they waft napkins above their heads to rid the place of steam but are so short, their efforts have barely any effect on the steam far above them. By the time Milton has cleared the space of steam, he is drenched with sweat and his face and neck are completely red from exertion. He sits down exhaustedly, only for Tim to burst in from the living room, wearing only a towel. A cloud of steam from the shower follows him, once again, setting the alarm off. Milton looks at him in shock and fury. He stands, slowly approaching Tim and looks as though he might murder him, just as Tim reaches up and pokes a button on the alarm switching it off.

TIM

Happy to see me? Just had a quick shower.

MILTON

Yeh, for sure, I am. Ya, makes sense, you would want a shower after the slaughtering and butchering. 

Tim's towel suddenly falls, revealing his nude body. He makes no attempt to pick it back up.

Tim, aren't you going to cover yourself up?

TIM

Eh, you know me I prefer to be natural. Anyway, we caught the bread just in time, beautiful and crisp and brown, not a bit of burn in sight, thankfully. I didn't even think to check on it. I watched the news and then had a read of my book, did a little painting, rang my friend JimBob for a natter about the ploughing championships, then had a nice long shower. Must have been in for an hour. Can you tell? Is my skin all red and pruney and shrivelled?

Gestures for Milton to come look closer at his skin. 

MILTON

Eh, no Im good where I am thanks Tim. I have seen enough already, far too much in fact. Wait...an hour...a call, the entire news? What the heck? How long have you been back Tim, how did you get the ham so quickly?

TIM

Eh, well, it took a lot less time than I thought. Kavanaghs had the order ready in no time. It was ready when I strolled in, only took about five minutes.

MILTON

Kavanaghs....five minutes?!?

Milton is furious.

What the hell are you on about Tim? You said it would take three hours? You said it would be source from the farm!?

TIM

Yeh, I got it from Kavanagh's farm, a thirty minute walk away. The best ham from a farm I have ever tasted.  I always allow for extra time in case I fall or get distracted by the animals. And even extra for the storm. And even extra extra for the fact I forgot to order it, so was playing it by ear.

MILTON

You are UNBELIEVABLE Tim. Unbelievable. You having the time of your life while I am worried. Anyway, let's talk about this later. We need to get a move on.  They will be here any second. how are we going to make this coleslaw you were on about.

 TIM

Ok. Don't know what you're nagging about Milton. Everything had worked out perfectly. You look a bit worse for wear but I have cleaned up quite nicely. Don't see me complaining about how grubby looking you are and letting down the team and all. Anywho, this is how we do the coleslaw.

A still nude Tim opens the fridge, gasping in the cold shock he gets from the fridge and removes a large carton of shop-bought coleslaw. He cracks it open and dumps it into a large bowl, placing it in the centre of the table.

Et voila.

MILTON

Incredulous

Well, you're a regular Rachel Allen there, Tim. Now can you please go get dressed before our guests arrive. It's the least you could do. I'll show myself to a washroom too. Do you have a spare shirt?

TIM 

Will one of Mam's old jumpers do?

MILTON

I guess it will have to...

The doorbell rings, reverberating throughout the house. Tim runs to get dressed, leaving Milton standing forlornly in the kitchen, wondering how he has gotten himself into such an awkward situation yet again. As Aunt Marge's familiar rap-a-tap-tap fills the house, Milton snaps out of it, resigning himself to the fact that even if he is on a sinking ship in shark infested seas, he is going to keep paddling and hope for a miracle. He goes to the sink and splashes some cold water onto his rosy cheeks and finds some Febreeze under the sink, which he sprays fervently under his armpits. Tim re-enters looking the picture of perfection, wearing a crisply ironed shirt with a fitted blazer over some chinos.

MILTON

Flabbergasted.

Tim, you look, you look perfect...I really don't know what to say.

TIM

I told you I scrub up well.

MILTON

You...really do. Putting me to shame. You look amazing-oh-

Upon closer inspection, Milton can see that Tim is still wearing his mud soaked wellies under the chinos and dark stains are beginning to form at the bottom of his trouser legs. Tim spots where Milton is looking and lifts his trouser legs to reveal the full boots, doing a curtsey and twirl.

TIM

Well...I still wanted to keep it real. I wanted to keep it country. You know what they say-you can take the boy out of the farm but you can never take the wellies off the farm boy.

MILTON

Do they say that?

TIM

Well, I'm sure someone said it once and I agree. Anyway, I brought you this. Mammy's finest.

Milton catches a red woollen jumper that Tim flies at him. He holds it out, it looks extremely manly, with navy patches on the shoulders.

MILTON

​Cheers Tim, that will cover the drool and mud stains at least, So odd that your mam and I had such similar fashion tastes.

TIM

Ya...you were always a bit of a pansy.

Tim guffaws. Milton frowns. The rap a tap tap is heard again but this time much louder and much closer. The two men peer at the kitchen door to see Aunt Marge craning her head in, with Jane standing close behind her, with her shotgun pointed at the two men. Her jaw is even more pronounced than usual and her lipstick is so bright that it's practically glowing.

AUNT MARGE

Oh, don't mind us by any means boys. You know, you're starving guests. Do, please keep chatting about Milton's feminine fashion sense.

Milton yelps and pulls the jumper fast. He quickly rushes to give Aunt Marge a peck on the cheek and to take her handbag. He goes to hug Jane but she does not lower the shotgun so he awkwardly taps that in acknowledgement instead.

JANE

Careful now Milton. No sudden movements. I keep her loaded at all times.

MILTON

But, of course you do Jane. I wouldn't expect anything else from somebody who spends so much time with my Aunt.

He gestures towards the table and the women begin to shuffle into the room. Tim rushes to pull their chairs back for them, the polite gesture is undermined by the horrendously loud scraping of the chairs against the floor, which he makes no effort to lessen.

TIM

First on the menu, we will have our fresh, farm-made soup, all locally sourced, locally prepared and soon to be locally eaten. Accompanied by Milton's specialty bread.

Tim aggressively gestures with his neck for Milton to go serve the soup as he serves the bread. He is smiling in a peculiarly strained way as he carries the loaves in his bare hands. Plumes of smoke still rise from the bread, as it has just been taken out of the oven. When Tim finally places the loaves down, large red scald marks are evident on his palms. Tim notices Milton, peering at his burn marks but he keeps smiling nonetheless and pointedly stares at the soup to rush Milton into serving it. Milton, uses the oven gloves to carry the huge pot to the table, with the ladle tucked in the crook of his elbow. Once the pot has been placed on the prearranged wooden chopping board, he nervously begins to ladle the soup into the bowls. Milton sighs with relief and delight when he catches the delicious smells coming from the soup. Once the bread has been cut into oddly-perfect slices for a man with scalded hands, Tim procures the freshly made butter.

TIM

Et voila Madames! Straight from the cows teat.

MILTON

Interrupting, trying to cover Tim's rudeness.

And, just to reiterate the soup is comprised of all vegetables grown on this farm. so extra special.

TIM

Yeh, I was telling Milton earlier, we fertilised the veg with shite from the cows. So that will add nice flavour. Tis literally soup coming straight from the belly of the beast.

There is a large silence. Milton goes bright red with embarrassment and frustration. Tim ​is smiling widely until he catches sight of Milton's death glare, then he begins to look worried. They both peer nervously at the two silent women, sitting stony faced. Aunt Marge doesn't break eye contact as she takes her first spoonful. The slurping is extremely loud in the silence. She sighs in delight.

AUNT MARGE

Divine. Straight from the belly of the beast into the belly of another beast.

She pats her tummy as she says this and begins to cackle. Jane also begins to laugh raucously between large mouthfuls of soup. Jane is laughing so enthusiastically that her chair begins to shake vigorously. That little bit too late, the entire table notices the shotgun leaning precariously on  the side of her chair, wobbling along with the laughter. In slow motion the shotgun finally tilts and begins to fall. Tim hurls himself at it, to try to catch it before it hits the ground. There is a deafeningly loud bang, a flash of light and then everything goes dark.

SCENE 5: A shot in the dark

 A bloodcurdling scream is heard.

MILTON

Aunt Marge... Jane...are you okay? No need to be scared. That was just a bad bit of lightning, must have hit a wire though, as we seem to have lost our lights.

AUNT MARGE

Drily.

Oh, please Milton, we put businessmen in their place at large scale corporate conferences. You don't know the meaning of fear until you have given a member of the monarchy a dressing down in front of thousands of his peers, knowing full well that he might have you followed for months or kidnpa all your children or worse-he may not sign off on your next pay cheque. A little darkness is not going to to scare Jane and I. In fact, some would say we thrive on it. That girlish yelp was Tim. Or your fashion sense. I can't tell which is less manly.

TIM

Whimpering.

The gun...the gun. It didn't go off. I could have sworn I was dead.

JANE

Oh that would have provided some light entertainment to help the food go down. But, that gun would never go off. I keep the safety on at all times. Unless of course, I am shooting to kill.

MILTON

Thanks Jane, thanks for those-eh-comforting words.

Tim slams a torch into Milton's chest, winding him. Milton grapples to turn the torch on and when it finally lights, it lights his face from below due to the awkward way he is holding it, creating a Dracula-esque effect. Another bloodcurdling scream is heard. This time, Tim turns his torch on his own face mid scream, to reveal he was indeed the culprit.

MILTON

Whispering harshly.

Jeez Tim, every time! Cop on, will you? You are ruining all the credibility our lunch earned us.

TIM

Speaking in a high pitched voice.

Well, excuse you Dracula but you startled me with your light angle...and then I went ahead and startled myself with my own angle. I can't help being startled.

MILTON

Okay, okay, no need to get so hysterical. Do you have any candles handy? These torches don't have much go in them.

TIM

Candles...what for...for an exorcism? For who? Aunt Marge? Jane? Or is it you Milton? Is it you!?

Tim grabs Milton by the shoulders and begins frantically shaking him and sobbing.

MILTON

No, Tim, jeez. We need candles to give us more light. And, if anybody needs an exorcism, it's you.

TIM

Shut your hole Milton, I am trying my level headed best.

MILTON

If this is you level headed, God save us when you panic. Aunt Marge-Jane-are you still there? It's not like you to be so quiet.

AUNT MARGE

Slow, quiet, demonic laugh.

Oh yes, yes, Milton. Don't you worry about us. We were just enjoying listening to you both.

MILTON

What-the sound of two friends finding a solution?

AUNT MARGE

No. The sound of fear.

A loud, distinctive, metallic click is heard very clearly. Jane gasps.

MILTON

Probably no need to worry but that there click there...sounded an awful lot like-

JANE

The safety!

There is an extended silence.

MILTON

Well-at least you didn't scream Tim. Progress.

TIM

Whispering dramatically.

Make no sudden sounds-the gun might go off.

MILTON

I'm no Scientist but I don't think that's how it works.

TIM

Yes, sound travels by vibration and vibrations move guns.

You're no Scientist and, you're no farmer either. Look at the mess and chaos you have caused on my farm in just a couple of hours. What were we thinking entering you into that championship, it will be a disaster. You don't know the first thing about farming. It will be a complete shot in the dark.

Maybe it's time we just gave up. Hung up the shovel before the slurry hits the fan. Maybe we should just call it a day. Shoot me now and get it over with, will you?!

Screaming frantically, runs at Milton still holding the torch in a Blair Witch-esque manner.

SHOOT ME NOWWWWWW!

Milton slaps Tim full force across the face when he reaches him, causing Tim to fall backwards dramatically. Both torches fall and breaking glass is heard. The light extinguishes in them both and they are now in complete darkness. This entire interaction provokes laughter and applause from Aunt Marge and Jane.

JANE

Snapping her fingers.

Bravo!! Encore, encore!

Tim is heard audibly groaning on the floor.

MILTON

Wait, Tim, that's it!

TIM

Huh?

MILTON

What you just said could save us all!

TIM

That you're no Scientist?

MILTON

No.

TIM

No farmer either?

MILTON

Not that bit.

TIM

Look at the mess and chaos you have caused on my farm in just a few hours.

MILTON

Excitedly.

EXACTLY!

TIM

Yeh, you're a dunce. How's that going to help us?

MILTON

In just a few hours!!

TIM

Yeh, you move fast.

MILTON

And if we started at 6am and it has only been a couple of hours-what does that mean?

Begins to shuffle his way across the kitchen, in the dark.

TIM

Time stands still even if you're not having fun?

MILTON

It's still daytime.

Wrenches the curtains open. Daylight streams in.

LET THERE BE LIGHT!!

TIM

Immediately weeping, sits up on his knees and looks directly into the light. Hails Milton.

You saved us! I can't believe I had lost faith in you. I will never doubt you again. Our saviour!

Milton turns to see what has happened to Aunt Marge and Jane, intent on helping them. He sees they are still seated calmly in their chairs, brandishing fancy binoculars and laughing quietly. Jane holds her shotgun in one hand.

MILTON

Perplexed.

What the?!

AUNT MARGE

Aunt Marge flicks the light switch on and off a number of times. Stands up and gestures for Jane to do the same. The pair begin to exit.

I must say-these binoculars are really something else. WORTH EVERY PENNY. Initially I was worried-you know I don't like to spend money on...anything. But, they are so handy. Not only will we be able to use them to keep a distance from the common crowd at the Ploughing Championships next week but, we were thrilled to find out they had nightvision earlier. What a bargain. It would have been ridiculous not to get them wouldn't it Jane?

JANE 

Ridiculous Marge, I can't think of anything more absurd. Almost as absurd as thinking I keep this thing loaded.

They take one last look at Milton and Tim from the doorway. Jane points the shotgun at Milton, then pulls the trigger. Milton ducks dramatically as a reflex and falls on the hard loaf of bread that Marge made, which has fallen to the floor in the earlier scuffle. This is painful, causing Milton to roar. Aunt Marge and Jane bellow with laughter.

AUNT MARGE

Thanks for the delicious lunch boys. Fair to say everything went as planned. We can't wait to see ye in action next week.

Milton is left looking in shock as the two women depart. Their cackling decreases in volume, eventually becoming complete silence. The only sound that can be heard is Tim's frantic praying and the pitter patter of badgers paws as they scurry to surround Milton, observing him from all angles.

​EPISODE 6: THE PLOUGH AND THE STARS

Scene 1: Damage control

(Milton and Tim stand beside each other in an empty field, with two large tractor tyres in front of them.  Milton looks determined, Tim looks blank. The drizzle gradually increases by the minute.)

MILTON

We have a week Tim and that's it. A week to drag ourselves up to the level that we need to be to come out on top. We need to put in real work to be donned the ultimate victors and to shove our enemies into the dirt, where they belong. To show Thandy once and for all who the best man really is.

TIM

Huh?

MILTON

To show Thandy, as well as the rest of the world, who the best men really are. LET'S DO THIS!!!

TIM

Heaves tyre upright, veins protruding in his forearms and neck, he flips it impressively, throwing it a couple of metres away from himself.

THIS IS FOR YOU MASSEY!

Both men race at the huge tyres and begin flipping them across the field. Petunia and Larry flank them on each side, following suit by flipping bike tyres across the field, which are proportionately large, by comparison. The group meet challenges along the way from having to side-step stray sheep, to unexpected puddles, to Graham narrowly avoiding being crushed by a large tractor tyre as he barrels into them at speed, having become caught in the spokes of a moving bicycle tyre. Eventually they reach the other side of the field but their celebrations are cut short when a loud rumbling of thunder is heard followed by a downpour. 

MILTON

Signalling for Tim to stop, as he is trying to lift the tractor tyres up, one on each shoulder, to bring them with them.

No, no Tim, no need. I like your confidence, but, all the same, they're fine where they are, leave them. Oh-

Milton falls face first, having tripped over an unassuming, napping lamb. He yelps as the freezing cold puddle water hits his face. He momentarily lies face first in the puddle water, only to feel scruffy talons digging into his scalp.

Owwwww!

Maud is dressed in Doctors scrubs and wearing a mask, she wears a compass on a string around her neck. She punches Milton full force in the stomach, causing him to cough up puddle water and then holds the compass to his chest and listens intently. She moves the compass around , jabbing it into his ribs.

Ow, I said!

MAUD

We have a live one folks.

Congregation of badgers applaud and cheer.

Though, admittedly this one doesn't have much of a life. Early 30s, no house, no car, no wife, no kids. Barely has a job.

MILTON

Ow I said!

Maud looks confused as she is no longer touching his chest.

Emotional ow this time.

Maud blinks blankly.

MAUD

Dismissively, in an adjunct manner.

Possible concussion.

Milton heaves himself up, with a helping hand from Tim and the two race for shelter as the shower turns into a storm. They come upon a small, stone shed with a corrugated sheet of rusted metal for a roof. They huddle in and Tim pulls on an overhead string, to light a weak, flickering, solitary bulb as the winds and gales swirl outside. Plumes of steam spill from their chattering mouths into the cold air as they shiver noisily in the damp, dank space. These steam plumes are eventually engulfed by large billows of pungent cigar smoke. Sure enough, Milton looks down to find Harry gazing up at him. Harry greets him, by way of a grunt.

MILTON

Glad you're here Harry, to suffocate us all.

HARRY

Well, that would be good preparation for the slow, agonizing death you will soon suffer at the Ploughing Championships.

MILTON

Sarcastically.

Thanks for always having my back, bro.

HARRY

The only furrows you will produce will be in the eyebrows of the disappointed audience in Laois, if you don't get back out there and put your back into it!!

MILTON

We are just waiting for the right moment and then we will strike when the iron is hot.

HARRY

You can't spend your whole life waiting, you jackass. The iron will never be hot. It will be tepid, at best. I don't know did you notice but there's a storm happening and the electricity has completely blown, that iron ain't getting no juice. It's staying stone cold dead.

On cue, the bulb extinguishes in the shed and they are all plunged into darkness aside from a small stream of light that spills through the cracks in the door.

You can't be afraid forever, my man. Nothing in life is certain and sometimes terrible things happen but it's far more entertaining to throw yourself in full force than just to hide in the dark, scared. Might as well have a few laughs along the way.

Milton slowly starts nodding and with a surge of energy, kicks the door open. The door blows off its hinges and into the ether in a sudden gust of wind. The sheet of corrugated metal simultaneously blows away.

MILTON

There's no turning back now. COME ON TIM!!

The two emerge nervously, fighting their way forward against the ferocious wind. Larry and Petunia cling to each of Milton's ankles, as the wind threatens to blow them away.

TIM

We'll head down to the big barn next, I'll show you all the tractors. Least you could get to know the parts and all. What does what. So if something goes wrong, you at least know why, on the day. Damage control of sorts.

MILTON

I get you, we want to avoid losing points, where at all possible.

TIM

Yeh and also avoid losing limbs, where possible too.

Milton laughs initially but stops when he notes Tim's stony-faced, stern expression.

MILTON

Yes...yes that would be nice...to keep a couple of limbs, at least.

They continue on in silence, eventually reaching a large, blue barn. Tim rolls the door open with a deafeningly loud clatter. They step inside to be greeted by the warmth of the infared heaters, which are mounted in every corner of the barn. Milton, Larry and Petunia all let out loud sighs of relief as they are greeted by the warmth. A group of badgers appear, donning sunglasses and holding tin foil for tanning. Tim stands really close to Milton and looks blank.

MILTON

Would have been nice Tim.

TIM

What would have been?

MILTON

Had you...you know...thought to bring us here first to avoid the, you know, freezing cold, torrential hurricane.

TIM

Pauses contemplatively. Clicks his tongue. 

Next year, maybe. 

He beckons for Milton to join him as he starts to weave his way through the mass of shiny, gargantuan tractors that fill the barn. Milton follows, in awe at the variety and sheer size of some of the machines on display. The badgers immerse themselves amongst the machines, spinning the large steering wheels, releasing and engaging the hydraulic level, bouncing from accelerator pedal to brake pedal and cramming themselves into the muffler, emerging covered in dirt.

TIM

Have a good old gawp now, Milton, Sit into a few, get your feel for them. Develop a bond and pick the one that feels right for you. Believe me, you will truly know when you have found the one.

Stares into space lovingly.

Me and Massey knew first day. I had her at 'how's she cutting' she told me.

Snaps back to reality.

Anyways, go explore boyo and absolutely ask me anything. And you'll know the one when you find her.

MILTON

Puts on an ethereal tone. Brandishes a fake wand at Tim.

The wand chooses the wizard, Potter.

TIM

Gasps in shock

WHO TOLD YOU?

Regains composure.

No, there'll be no funny business from us this year, Milton boyo. No voodoo, no matter how tempting. I'm no cheat boyo. No matter what anyone might say. There'll be no spells or seances or witches enlisted or satanic worship to get us across the line, you hear me. I would never do that, I'm no cheat, no matter what the judges of the 99 competition will testify to in a court of law. Now, less talk of Black 99 and go explore. I have no criminal record. Anymore.

Tim thumps Milton roughly in the back, propelling him forward. He is dazzled by machines of all colours, shapes and sizes. In treacherous indecision, he spins around in a circle, unsure of which tractor to choose. His spinning increases in speed and agitation, ending with him pausing before dramatically fainting onto a bail of hay in the centre of the barn.

Scene 2: Go forth and conker

In a heroic bluster, the barn doors burst open to reveal Milton driving his very own luminous red John Deer. Tim follows shortly behind on a smaller Massey Ferguson.

MILTON

Yelling over the roar of the tyres.

Well, just goes to show Tim-

TIM

Bellowing back.

What's that?!

MILTON

There I was thinking, that day Aunt Marge made you drop me home from the hardware store in your tractor. I thought it was terrifying because of your driving-but now I know it's just terrifying, full stop.

TIM

Wails.

Oh Maaaaaassey.

I miss her so. She brought me great joy. We better ace this Championship Milton or I will never see her again. Twill be my first Championship competing without her, twill be a struggle.

Tractors both turn down a narrow and treacherously bumpy lane.

MILTON

Well that's exactly it Tim, how do we ACE it...like what is the criteria for winning?

TIM

It's all in the furrows my boy...they must be perfectly defined and straight. Get a good dig and we'll be right. You can't be wobbling all over the place like you are now.

MILTON

What, this? Wobbling?

Voice trembling with the vibration.

This is deliberate.

Sequence of events on the farm where things appear to be going well. Tim and Milton develop an alliance. Milton tests a number of tractors and Tim acts as his mentor. The badgers ingratiate themselves into every interaction, with Graham always coming precariously close to injury. Afterwards, there is a 'Karate kid'-esque montage as the two men clean their two chosen tractors, with a wax on, wax off scene while cleaning etc. There are a number of disasters before Milton succeeds in creating a relatively straight furrow.

MILTON

Tim, I never thought I would say this in your company but I have had the most wonderful day.

TIM 

I'm hungry.

Burps loudly,

MILTON

Well, we better keep our strength up. We have a lot of training to do during the week to be ready. A healthy diet is key. And next week, we can go forth and conquer.

TIM

Suddenly extremely excited.

Yeeeees, LET'S CONQUER!!

Takes a slice of ham from his raincoat pocket and chomps into it viciously. Notes Milton's expression of revulsion, and offers him some. Milton rejects his offer solemnly and both men trudge back to the house.

Scene 3: The plough and the stars

Black and white, slow motion sequence of events, similar to a Western just before a shoot out. Tim, aptly holds a piece of straw in between his teeth, both men wear farmers caps. The close up to their faces, along with the motion of the tractor bouncing up and down creates a cowboy vibe. Animation of the sun moving to  demonstrate the passing of time. They eventually arrive to to the Ploughing Championships and trundle in the entrance, which is alive with activity. Milton is slack-jawed as he observes the influx of tractors and attendees. In a flurry of movement, a baby blue tractor leads a fleet of equally well-presented vehicles into the area. A themed 'Eye-of-the-Tiger' tractor horn beeping is heard. Tony O'Toole performs a regal wave, causing the crowd to laugh in appreciation. Milton competitively beeps and waves but the crowd's attention is still on Tony O'Toole. All of a sudden, there is a deafening roar from an exhaust, the attention of the entire crowd is drawn to this sound. Aunt Marge and Joan ride into the arena in the Massey Ferguson, through the exit. Joan still brandishes her shotgun, Aunt Marge brandishes a terrified looking Aggy. Several bystanders have to dive out of the way as they trundle in, to avoid injury. Once inside Aunt Marge suddenly stops the tractor and peers into her large rear view window in a pantomimical fashion. After noting she has driven in the exit, she revs the engine loudly before reversing onto the exit sign and driving over it several times until it is completely unreadable. The crowd cheers.

TIM 

That woman always knows how to make an entrance.

MILTON

Well, an exit.

TIM

Or both.

MILTON

Or neither.

Crowd cheers.

TIM 

She really brings the crowd to life.

One of the crowd who jumped out of the way of Aunt Marge's tractor yells in agony.

MILTON

And almost kills them.

Aggy meows forlornly and Milton meows very loudly towards her, to show support. Tim notices this and attempts to emulate Massey's loud horn noise, to show his support. Makes loud wheezing noise, awkwardly inhaling spittle and raucously coughing as he chokes, falling off the side of his tractor.

MILTON

Would have made more sense Tim...to beep your horn.

TIM

Spluttering, with his mouth foaming and eyes streaming as he writhes on the floor. Milton hops out of his tractor and gets down on one knee to help Tim to his feet.

Massey knew what I meant, we have an unspoken understanding.

A small group gather in  circle around Tim, some sniggering, others whispering in worry.

MILTON

Might be better off, if that understanding remained unspoken from now on Tim.

Gasping is heard as people are gruffly shunted out of the way by an extended cane and a dark shadow falls over both men. They peer up to see Aunt Marge standing over them, hands on hips, binoculars dangling around her neck. Jane places her jaw on Aunt Marge's broad shoulder and points her shotgun, pointing it directly at Milton, like a sniper on a perch.

AUNT MARGE

Taunting, mocking voice.

Well, well, well boys. Off to a great start, already drawing a crowd.

JANE

Matching Aunt Marge's tone, wriggling her gun teasingly.

Ya...BOYS! And you're not doing a good job, leave the drawing to the experts.

AUNT MARGE

Nodding encouragingly, voice raising in volume and momentum.

And who are the experts Jane?

JANE

Also increasing in volume and pace.

Picasso is an expert at drawing.

AUNT MARGE

Yells briefly and momentarily appears deflated.

No Jane! Gah, we were doing so well. 

Jane

Stammering, momentarily breaking out of her hardened Kildare accent to a softer, English sounding version. 

Well-of course some would argue his analytic cubism doesn't make for good drawing but he had to be quite adept as he was one of the most important figures of 20th century art.

AUNT MARGE

You're only digging yourself deeper Jane and digging in the wrong direction will be for Milton, not us.

Milton and Tim struggle to their feet and Milton wraps an arm around Tim's shoulders, steadying them both. He pumps his chest out proudly and proclaims.

MILTON

That may be what you think Aunt Marge but Tim and I have been practicing and now we make the dream team. Together, we are completely unstoppable.

AUNT MAGRE

A broad Chesire-like cat smile spreads on her face, she arches her head back and lets out a few strong laughs, her fillings glinting in the sun. She once again looks at the boys, smiling.

Didn't Tim tell you, Milton. There will only be one driver in our tractor, and we have opted for no helpers. Tim will be busying himself in the bread making competition, after all, I have been training him for weeks and weeks. Put my blood, sweat and tears into teaching Tim how to bake good bread. Blood, sweat, tears and lots oh hair. Mainly hair actually. But, mainly hair. Put lots and lots of hair into it. You certainly won't be together in any way, shape, form or furrow.

Aunt Marge proceeds to throw her head back and wail with laughter, fillings glistening go leor, causing some of the crowd nearby to be blinded and to fall to the floor, startled. Milton's jaw drops and he begins to shake his head frantically. He peers around searchingly to Tim, for an explanation. Tim silently walks even closer to Milton and blankly stares at him. After a moment he raises his hands, which are are wearing a pair of oven mitts and holding a rolling pin and a bag of flour. Milton gasps and steps back in shock, he begin looking around frantically, each image causing an even larger gasp. He sees Tim slowing putting on an apron, then spots Thandie shyly waving in his direction, holding a cardboard sign that reads 'Come on you Tool!' and finally he sees Virginia holding a microphone, with a camera pointed directly at her, about to start covering the reporting for the festival. She nods towards Milton, who continues shaking his head, sways from side to side and then faints dramatically. Badgers dig frantically under the crowd, to get to him quickly, forming squishy mounds beneath him to soften his fall as he falls to the floor.

Scene 4: An ultimatum

Milton sits bolt upright in his John Deer, His eyes are wide with fear and he is wringing his hands around the large steering wheel. He peers nervously to his right at his fellow competitors. He is met by a sparkling smile and cheerful wave from Tony O'Toole whose baby blue tractor is making an impressive humming. He peers to his left at the expansive crowd, with Thandie visible jumping up and down, yelping with excitement and waving her 'Come on you, Tool' sign encouragingly. Milton gulps and his Adam's apple visibly moves up and down the length of his neck. Beads of sweat formulate and start trickling down his face, creating little puddles of water on the floor of the tractor, which Graham promptly slurps up. Badgers cover every inch of the tractor; they are strewn across the floor, hood and even dangling from the mud-flaps. A large foghorn is heard, signalling the start of the championship. Milton ignites the ignition and begins trundling forward. He is bopping all over the place and struggling to maintain control. Beads of sweat, mingle with tears of exacerbation as  Milton's ambitions of victory dissolve when all of the other tractors steadily progress further forward, while he struggles not to veer off the course and into the crowd. All seems just about lost as the entire tractor dips into a hole and conks out. Milton leans into the steering wheel and begins audibly sobbing, shoulders heaving up and down, all energy draining from his body. He feels a familiar furriness on his ear and he gasps in shock. Sure enough, he peers out from his cupped hands and is met by Aggy's warm whiskered lick. She meows encouragingly and Milton breaks into a relieved laugh. In apprehension, he gazes into the crowd and catches sight of Aunt Marge, who has momentarily allowed her violent exterior to melt away and looks worried and vulnerable but not yet meek. Jane is also peering at her in confusion, with her shotgun now dangling freely at her side, lost without her leader. Aunt Marge's shoulders are also slumped forward and her eyes are squinted worriedly. When she notices Milton gazing towards her, she appears to exhale quickly and then slowly draws a breath. Her body returns to its previous, strong, majestic state, as she slowly inhales. She goes bright red and suddenly bellows.

AUNT MARGE 

COME ON YOU TIM YOU HEAP OF SHITE. DO IT FOR YOUR MOTHER!!!

Her voice breaks momentarily and she pauses before continuing.

She didn't raise you to be a fucking eejit!! NOW GET OFF YOUR HOLE AND MAKE HER PROUD!

In shock, Milton restarts the tractor which lurches dangerously back and forth prior to finally emerging from the puddle. The other tractors are steadily progressing meters ahead and Milton sighs loudly as he immediately begins swerving again. With Aggy perched solidly on his shoulder, they both peer determinedly ahead, certain that they will finish the competition whether placed last or otherwise. Milton smiles thinly as he trundles forward inch by inch, but all of a sudden the tractor is hit with almighty bang. He peers around frantically but nobody else appears to have noticed. A cacophony of banging hits them from all sides, and then miraculously, the tractor appears to straighten itself out completely and travels forward in a poker straight line , skilfully slicing through the mud and making excellent ground on the tractors ahead. There is no longer a hint of a wobble or shudder and the noisiness of the struggling tractor has now been replaced by a calm humming. Milton rubs his eyes and slaps himself in confusion. He peers at Aggy for answers before adjusting the side mirror to get a better view of the bottom of the tractor, the source of the banging. Sure enough, he sees a number of badgers have started guiding the plough, digging forward with ease and creating perfectly straight furrows. He looks at Aggy and a Chesire cat-like smile breaks across her puss, The pair throw their heads back and start laughing in delight.
​
MILTON

Looks like we won't quite win this race Aggy, but we will at least make the furrows as straight as we possibly can. 

An odd clattering is heard ahead and another one of the competitors yells in frustration.

What the?!

Milton hears a raucous cackling, then he recognises immediately as Harry, followed by a smokers cough that also suits the bill. From all sides, badgers descend on the course. The are carrying the genetically modified vegetables from Tim's farm and throwing them into the ploughs of the other competitors, caussing their tractors to run off course and in some cases to jam completely and seize up.


Yeeeeees. Absolute genius. I knew those hideously deformed, unnatural vegetables would come in useful somewhere.

  All of the tractors aside from Milton's have been thrown completely off course and are now behind Milton, aside from Tony' O Toole. A scattering of badgers have encircled Tony's machine but no genetically modified vegetable, no matter how grotesque will succeed in jamming his plough or throw his tractor off course. Just as all seems lost, a scattering of badgers appear wearing strings of conkers draped across their shoulders as ammunitions bands. They begin funnelling conkers at the wheels but this also appears hopeless. Two badgers stand on either side of the field ahead of Tony's tractor and hold each side of a string of conkers in their paws. They raises it slightly off the ground.

MILTON

Laughing good humoredly

Cute, but there's no way that is going to work.

Tony catches sight of the hovering conkers and screams in terror. He dramatically swerves the tractor to avoid the ineffectual string of conkers, causing his tractor to flip over a number of times and now he is out of the race. He stands up unscathed, which the crowd applauds.

He really is a tool.

Milton continues forward steadily and finally crosses the finish line. Aggy licks his cheek in delight.

We really did conquer Aggy.  We really did conquer.

Several adjudicators and stewards descend on the course to check in on the other tractors and competitors and to investigate what has happened. A perplexed looking adjudicator lifts the string of conkers , shaking his head.

MEGAPHONE MAN

It would appear that a line of conkers has caused a major disruption in this category...but without a clear source of the hazard, it looks like the victor will have to be declared as the only remaining competitor, Milton Hayes. In an unprecedented turn of events in the history of this Championship, only one competitor remains viable for victory. The source of the conkers may forever remain a mystery-

TIM

Wailing and running onto the course, covered from head to toe in flour

CONKERS!!!! Milton, it's a miracle.

Milton starts frantically shaking his head and slumps down in his seat, to hide from view.

MILTON!! Look, look! Yesterday, you said let's go forth with conkers and that's exactly what happened. Your plan worked!!

Stewards swarm around Tim, with worried looking expressions. They hold their arms out, blockading him in, preventing him from running away.

MEGAPHONE MAN

A deranged man covered in either cocaine or flour, who bears an uncanny resemblance to the witchcraft culprit from the spoiled competition year known as 'Black 99', appears to have taken respsonsibility for the conker sabotage and is declaring an alliance or premeditation of some sort with declared victor Milton Hayes. But how can we possibly know that he truly is the source of the conkers and not just some attention seeker looking for his fifteen minutes of fame?

TIM

Look, Milton, I could swear, these are exactly the same conkers from the ones we found at the orchard on Paddy's day. look, they're identical. I always keep a few on me!

Tim suddenly starts removing conkers from his pockets and flinging them all over the course.

See Milton, they're ours. The ya re our conkers.

The stewards eventually abandon all attempts at innocent detainment and violently tackle Tim to the ground. He appears to be delighted to be rolling around in a mound of conkers.

CONKERS!!!


Milton is red with embarrassment and anger. 

MEGAPHONE MAN

Well folks. Looks like we don't really have a victor in Mr Milton Hayes after all. But in fact a loser. Actually, the only thing worse than a loser, a cheater. When will people learn that nothing good comes easy in life?! Let's hear it for Milton Hayes!

The crowd starts booing as Milton sweeps Aggy into his arms and makes a run for it, while Tim is still attracting most of the attention. The crowd slowly turns to Milton and begins to yell obscenities at him. Loud gunshots are heard.

AUNT MARGE

That's it Jane!! Scare them off. Run Milton, ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!


Scene 5: Creatures of comfort

 Milton rips a number of his items of clothing as he weaves frantically between, under and around parked tractors. It would appear that hell hath no fury like a farmer scorned, as several devote Championship-goers have sourced pitchforks and rakes and are forming a mob as they scour the area in search of Milton and vengeance. He is really sweating now, he makes a wrong turn and is met by a rosy-cheeked farmer's wife whose initial, shy smile turns sour when she realises who she has bumped into.

FARMER'S WIFE

Making an absolute mockery of a tradition as old as the hills themselves.

She furiously flings a heavy, dough-coated rolling pin at his head. Milton ducks, narrowly avoiding it and it thumps into a tractor behind him. He turns to see a large dent in the surface of the tractor, gulping in fear at the potentially fatal damage that could have been done to him. He turns to see her grab a chopping board before diving under a nearby tractor to escape her wrath. He continues frantically crawling under tractors and is just about to emerge into an opening when a rake is slammed down in front of him, just a couple of inches away from his face. One of the spokes has cut a centimetre off of his middle fingernail. He yells silently and reverse crawls out the other end, pulling himself to his feet and full on sprinting away from the noise. With the mob hot on his heels, he nose dives into some gorsebushes on the outskirts of the arena. Spikes from the bushes, cut him as he crawls forward blindly with his eyes closed. What is left of his clothing snags and tears. He finally collapses in absolute exhaustion. He whimpers in pain and slowly rolls onto his back. The undergrowth is very dimly lit. In a moment of panic, he checks his chest to confirm that indeed Aggy is still where he put her, tucked into his clothing, albeit very torn loose clothing, clinging to his chest hair for grip. He breathes a sigh of relief.

MILTON

I'll always have you Aggy.

A strong rustling of bushes is heard, followed by various voices from the outraged mob who have determined he is somewhere in the bushes.

MOB FARMER 1

Even more a coward than I thought, hiding from us.

MOB FARMER 2

Well, I can tell ye lads. I won't be caught dead for love nor money climbing into those nettles.

MOB FARMER 3

Well, I can think of one way...


SEVERAL MOB FARMERS

SMOKE HIM OUT!!

Shuffling is heard, followed by breaking glass. A steady stream of smoke begins to fill the gorse bushes and crackling is heard from a fast approaching fire.

MILTON

In defeat. Quietly.

I always had you Aggy...

The smoke is now billowing rapidly directly into Milton's face and he closes his eyes in resignation. Milton begins coughing but realizes that he recognises the familiar, pungent smell. He opens his eyes to reveal that, sure enough, Harry is smoking a cigar directly into his face.


HARRY

Heh heh heh. Right in the schmaker for old times sake. Ok, hop to and get your lazy ass up so we can save you.

MILTON 

Completely weak, lucidly in a state of semi-consciousness.

You know, to begin...I was afraid of you guys...then annoyed...disturbed too...but now, I'm glad I got to meet you...because, though it seems crazy...I started to see a little bit of me in each of you...towards the very end and i was so surprised to find that I didn't hate you at all. Not even a little tiny bit. So, I guess, deep down, way down, somewhere hidden and away, I must have liked little bits of myself after all...


HARRY

Snapping fingers and pointing with authority at a group of badgers who have started to push Milton's limp body towards the entrance of a sett which they have burrowed nearby. They begin to cram his lifeless frame into the hole.

That's it boys! Cram his lifeless self into our home. Somebody gotta save his unconscious ass. There's a tasty bit of carrion in it for you. That's right. Red hot and freshly scraped, straight from Queen Marge's bonnet.

Smacks lips. Turns to see the gorse bushes being engulfed by flames.

Well, dayum!!

MILTON

Barely audible, from within the entrance to the sett.

All along, I always thought of you as creatures. But not beyond that. I used to be afraid of the thought of creatures. But, now, I can see, you're here for my own good. You're my creatures of comfort.

HARRY

Coughing raucously now in the smoke from the fire.

You'd think I'd be used to smoke by now.

Retches.

Ok, world. Ok, reality. We see you, you ugly ass chump, with a charming smile and glint in your eye. WE SEE YOU. But, now we need a little break. Because sometimes the world gets to be too much. So We're going under. But, promise, we will see you very, very soon!!

Harry pulls back and breaks into a gallop, building momentum until he crushes himself into a ball and simltaneously thumps Milton deep into the sett and propels himself under too, just as a loud cracking is heard and the gorsebushes collapses on top of the burrow. Farmers loudly thump shovels all over the gorse bushes, extinguishing flames as they do so. Eventually the entire bush is flattened and extinguished and the mob peers around at one another, completely flummoxed as Milton is absolutely nowhere to be found.































 


























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