NOTIONS

​              NOTIONS THE SCRIPT

(Elaborate 'Man in the Mirror' style opening where our two icons lavish themselves in attention, admiring themselves in the numerous mirrors between intermittent moonwalks and toe balances. This continues until we hear a voiceover come on.)

PROLOGUE :
(Voiceover.)
"How did you two meet?"

Eoghan
When I first clapped eyes on Valerie I expected her to be a mild mannered, introverted GAA type. After getting to know her, working part-time in WH Smith, she turned out to be an extremely unhinged extrovert, prone to laughing maniacally whenever she spoke, punching me to the point of a dead arm in front of customers and availing of the sandwich meal deal discount in the most public of places.

(VALERIE steps out portraying a flashback.)

Valerie
it's 100% off right?

(Back to present.)

 On the other hand my first impression of Eoghan was that he was of average intelligence but he meant well. My intuition proved to be correct. 


(Music cuts completely. VALERIE’s portion of the stage goes into darkness. Spotlight on EOGHAN.)

Eoghan
Our very, very, very first encounter, I believe was at Freshers week in Trinity. Though Valerie studied in UCD she kind of did a tour of national freshers weeks. She fit right in, in fact I think she even accused a few people of crashing the event. That's her way, you know, stand out in order to fit in. Draw so much attention to herself that nobody will question a thing.

(EOGHAN’s portion of the stage goes into darkness. Spotlight on VALERIE.)

VALERIE
I'm not too sure. So long ago at this stage. I think I was drawn to him in a nightclub. He always goes full on femme fatale when he gets too drunk. I think I admired the way he carelessly guzzled back other people's wine and smashed the glasses off walls. Fearless. When drunk. Like Bette Davis with anger management problems and stubble.
(EOGHAN and VALERIE freeze in listening position. Back to voiceover.)

VOICEOVER
What would you say is the most admirable quality of your best friend?
(Lights down, spotlight on EOGHAN)

EOGHAN
Oh, easy. Though she would pride herself on being better than others, she rarely distinguishes between other people. Like, she wouldn't lick somebody's arse just because they were wealthy or high up on the social ladder or her employer or whatever. Probably because she considers herself to be hovering high above that ladder. Like levitating. But not in a demonic way...maybe a little demonic. Anyways, my point is, she treats everybody the same. Exact same. With the utmost disrespect. She's all about equality.

Even, at Trinity Freshers week I could see that was the case. She was kind of hovering through the room, wearing her old debs dress to the event did help her to achieve that levitating quality she goes for. So, kind of like a ghost or ghoul, she would only acknowledge somebody if they approached her. And she wouldn't filter herself depending on the audience either. No censorship like. It didn't matter whether they were the dean of the college, a plus one or a lowly undergrad, she would treat them all to her in your face humor. At one stage, I think a Trinity Scholar told her 'I find you kitsch.' And she paused, smiled knowingly, kind of patted him on the shoulder and said,

"No thanks pet, I have already eaten and hard to believe you're a scholar when you think you need to find the quiche when it's obviously on the food table. You retard."

Then! It was, at that exact moment, that I knew she was my soulmate.

(Lights down on EOGHAN. Spotlight on VALERIE.)

VALERIE
Ahhh. Eoghan's traits are a bit like a box of 'Quality Street', the contents are incredibly varied, colorful, surprising and quite often disappointing. But when you do land the much coveted strawberry flavor it does cover the aftertaste of that coffee flavored shite he force-fed you quite...satisfactorily. I think sometimes the things I admire most about him, require good lighting. Like a good facebook profiler, the filter changes everything. Sometimes I love, I mean ADORE his flexibility and think I could never possibly survive the global warming induced storm that is life without him. Then other times I'm like, God Eoghan, you fucking invertebrate would you ever stick to your guns. So, depending on the timing and lighting, I will either be stunned by this kaleidoscopic chameleon or I will want to flush the little lizard down the toilet. Like all good relationships, it's multi-faceted."

(Characters freeze in listening position.)

VOICEOVER
How did you get here?

(Lights down on VALERIE. Spotlight on EOGHAN.)

EOGHAN
It's a long story. My life used to be so different. I guess a number of choices, odd decisions caused a domino effect that landed me here. At home. Alone. Like Macauley Caulkin. Pre-drug addiction. But teetering on the edge. 
Valerie was like, the person who forgot me but simultaneously the people who tried to break into my house. Anyways. Things were so different six months ago. Before Val came back from New York.

(Lights down on EOGHAN. Spotlight on VALERIE.)

VALERIE
It all changed in a flash. Not in a 'decent exposure' kind of way, in a flash of light kind of way. Fast, like. That's life I guess. It's hard to pinpoint where exactly it all spiraled out of control. Some might say it was when I reintroduced myself into Eoghan's life. Those people are crazy though and shouldn't point fingers. Fingers are very easily broken. Like dreams."

(Sharp blackout. Kaleidoscope of colorful lights dance across the stage, causing interesting things to happen with the mirrors. As the lights flash on and off, our heroes take up a number of stark poses like a tribute to Vogue. Eventually the lights simmer down.)


PHILOSOPHY TENNIS

(EOGHAN and VALERIE emerge, they are carrying invisible tennis rackets and wearing the tutu dress that Serena Williams was wearing in the US Open. Not the exact one. But, similar ones.)

Eoghan
Jesus I was on Facebook earlier and my so called friends were spouting all sorts of random shite, quoting Kanye West. Like their vacuousness and constant need for validation never ceases to amaze me. They don’t seem to think for themselves like.

Valerie
Ya, but the idea of not thinking for yourself has been encouraged for centuries Eoghan. Sometimes, it’s hard to forge your own way in life and it seems as though the best way to survive is to follow the instruction of the great thinkers of the past.

Eoghan
You mean my predecessors.

Valerie
If you’re not happy with your peers Eoghan you should do something about it. As Gandhi said “Be the change you want to see in the world”

Eoghan
Yes but as Tolstoy said "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." 

Valerie
But as Beyonce said, ‘who run the world, girls.”
 
(They look at one another and do a quick Single Ladies hand gesture.)

Anyway as Steve Jobs said, “Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world usually do.”

Eoghan
Yeah but you also need to be a greedy sociopath in order to copy him. 
(The pair look at each other mischievously as though they have come to realise their suitability.)
Perfect!
(They high five.)
You change in order to be the best,  “His resolve is not to seem, but to be, the best.”

Valerie
The very best? Like no one ever was. Didn’t Pokemon say that? Plagiarism.

Eoghan
Aeschylus, duh.

Valerie:
Ah Ash-chylus Ketchum, of course.

(The pair stand at opposite sides of the stage, as though they are facing one another in a tennis court. Valerie mimes bouncing a ball on an invisible racket. Eoghan adjusts his visor.)

Tennis has always been my favorite sport because even when you have absolutely nothing, you still have love.

(VALERIE mimes serving the ball, grunting once she has.)

Eoghan
As my good friend , Oscar Wilde said,

(EOGHAN volleys the ball back.)

“Our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us; and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more.” 

Valerie
“Please sir can I have some more?”
Did Oscar Wilde write Oliver Twist?

(Whacks ball back across court, out of EOGHAN’s reach. She fist pumps signaling that she has won the point.)

I learned all I know about ambition from Theodore Roosevelt,

“It is true... of the individual, that the greatest doer must also be a great dreamer.” 

(VALERIE mimes serving again.)

Eoghan:
I do sleep a lot.
(EOGHAN roars once he hits the ball.)

Valerie
Ya but always sleeping alone.
(VALERIE volleys back.)

Eoghan:
Yes, Valerie but I am waiting for true love.
(EOGHAN chips the ball over VALERIE and despite her best efforts it defeats her.)

Val
Is that why you’re always on grinder?
(VALERIE serves.)

Eoghan
(EOGHAN hits the ball aggressively.)
Grindr is a highly revered platform

Val
Swiping your way to true love, is it? Grindr is so shallow,

““Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind…”

(VALERIE inhales sharply and lets out an almighty roar as she pummels the ball across the court. EOGHAN does not stand a chance.)
Anybody could be gawking at you on that. And you gawking at everybody. You're such a whore.

Eoghan
(EOGHAN pirhouettes violently and falls over dramatically.)
Shakespeare said “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” 

Valerie:
(VALERIE catches ball, thrown to her by imaginary ballboy.)
Jesus, I’m practically a philosopher. That was my facebook status last night.
(Pretends to bounce imaginary ball with imaginary racket off very real ground. It would be dangerous if the theatre did not have a floor.)

Eoghan
No, your status  was ‘Love a few, trust no one, do wrong’

Valerie:
Ah ya, same diff. 

(Eoghan points at an audience member.)

Eoghan
I saw him looking at you. Encouragingly. COUCHING !!

Valerie 
(Immediately vehemently angry.)
If he smiles at me, that means he likes what I say. We don’t have any code. I know that you don’t know that. I know that you understand that that was coaching but I’m telling you it’s not. I don’t cheat to win, I would rather lose. I’m just letting you know. 

Eoghan
K.

Valerie
(Walks away. Immediately turns back.)
I see where you may have thought that but I want to be clear I have never had a coaching violation. It’s not something I do. I can understand why you may have thought that but just know I have never cheated.

Eoghan
K.

Valerie
Ok, thank you because I’m like, I don’t cheat.

Eoghan
K.

Valerie
Ya, so thank you so much.

(Valerie turns to walk away. Trips. Turns back.)

This is unbelievable. Every time I play here there’s problems. What?

I didn’t get coaching. I didn’t get coaching. I didn’t get coaching. You need to take...you need to make an announcement that I didn’t get coaching. I don’t cheat. I didn’t get coaching. How can you say that? 

You need to...you need to...you owe me an apology!

Eoghan
Sorry.

Valerie
You owe me an apology.

Eoghan
Apologies.

Valerie 
(Roaring)
I have NEVER cheated in my life. I have a kitten and I stand what’s right for her and I have never cheated and YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY. 

Eoghan 
Sorry.

Valerie
And I explained that to you. You attacked my character. Something is wrong. It’s wrong. You attacked my character. Yes you are. You owe me an apology.

Eoghan
Sorry.

Valerie
You will never ever ever be on another stage of mine as long as you live.

Eoghan
I thought this was a public theatre?

Valerie
You are the liar.

When are you going to give me my apology?

Eoghan
Sorry.

Valerie 
You OWE me an apology.

Eoghan
Sorry.

Valerie
Say it. Say you’re sorry.

Eoghan
I already said it.

Valerie 
Well then don’t talk to me. Don’t talk to me.

How dare you insinuate that I was cheating.

(Valerie catches balls from ballboy. Bounces it. Loses her footing falls over. Regains composure and runs at Eoghan.)

You stole a point from me! You’re a thief too.

Eoghan
Valerie we both agreed I could finish that Heineken.

You're so mean.

Valerie
(Cackling incredulously)

Are you kidding? Are you kidding me? Because I said you were a thief?
But I’m not a cheater.
I told you to apologize to me.

Eoghan
Sorry.

Valerie
This is. This is outrageous. Excuse me, I need the referee.

(Valerie chooses an audience member and begins talking to them as though they are the referee.)

He said I was cheating. He said I was a cheater. That’s not right. That is NOT RIGHT. You have got to understand. You don’t know me. YOU DON’T KNOW ME. That is not my character.

 In soliloquy:  Though some of you may argue I am simply playing myself.
(Winks at audience.)

He has attacked my character. That is not my character. And that’s not right. This is not right. 

And it’s nothing at all to do with me falling over several times, injuring myself and being worried that I will lose the game so trying to bring it to an abrupt halt. 

It’s not right. 

I’m not a cheater. It’s not fair. This has happened to me too many times. This is not fair. This is not fair. But, to give me a point to lose a game for saying that he is a thief is not fair. I mean, it’s really not. 

(Pretends to react to what audience member has said.)

That’s right. It is because I’m a woman. You know how many other men do things that are much worse-I don’t...I-I-don’t. They do much worse than that. This is not fair. I’m sorry but a lot of people have said way worse. 

There’s a lot of men out here (aggressively points at male audience member) who have said a lot of things like ‘hello’ and ‘can I sit here’ but because they’re a man, they don’t get accused of cheating.

Eoghan
That doesn’t have to do with your behavior. 

Valerie
I said a simple thing. A ‘thief’ because he stole a point from me. That does not make...that does not make...There are men out here (points aggressively at another male audience member) that do a lot worse but because I’m a woman, because I’m a woman you’re going to take this away from me?  That is not right.  You know it. And I know you can’t admit it but I know you know it. You know it’s not right. 

(As though responding to the audience member.)

I know you can’t change it but I’m just saying that’s just not right. I get the rules. I get the rules. But I’m just saying it’s not right. 
  And to happen to me at this time in the show, every single character that I play, it’s just not fair. 
  That’s all I have to say. 
(Turns and glares at Eoghan.)
It’s not fair.


(Valerie turns, bouncing imaginary ball on tennis racket. Addresses unsuspecting audience member. Maliciously.)

I will throw this fucking ball down your throat.

Eoghan
Valerie!!

Valerie
(Addressing audience.)
What are you scared? Because of what I said to you? I’m sorry but there’s a lot of people who have said a lot worse.

(Pretends to react to audience.)

I didn’t say I would kill you! Are you serious?

(Makes cut-throat gesture at same audience member. Back to Eoghan.)

Are you the guy who screwed me over the last time? 

(Screams at audience.)

Really, don’t look at me! Don’t look at me because I’m not the one. DON’T LOOK MY WAY.

 ( Valerie regains composure. She serves balletically. Hitting the ball and grunting on the word ‘over’. Suddenly solemn.)

Sometimes, it just appears like we are on this uncertain path that has been pre-decided by all of our actions since we were children. Sometimes, I would love to just erase everything and start over.

Eoghan
Well as Tolle says “The past has no power over the present moment.”
(EOGHAN lightly hits ball back.)
​
Valerie
Wow. I never thought I would appreciate the toll especially as I spend so much time on the M50.
(VALERIE whacks ball back quickly and precisely.)
I’m not made of two euro coins you know. Especially since they included the Macdonalds on the motorway. Eurostealer menu, ammirite?

Eoghan
Valerie, you’re incoherent.
(Volleys ball back.)

Valerie
I’m fucking wrecked Eoghan.
(Collapses into her next strike of the ball, which defeats EOGHAN.)

Eoghan
“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” 
That’s Nietzsche.


Valerie:
(Once again catching imaginary ball.)
People always say my musical comedy is very Nietzche. I always thought of myself as more of an Aristotle.
"When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered lonG ago."
I guess I can relate...
Like when I stay up after midnight  and I start to think I’m talented?
(Serves ball.)

Eoghan
Exactly like that.
(EOGHAN comedically misses the ball and falls over.)

Valerie
Or like when you binge watch all of the seasons of Gilmore Girls and you think there’ll be another season soon.
(VALERIE has won the match. She walks towards EOGHAN.)

Eoghan
(EOGHAN awkwardly stands up and stumbles towards the net.)
No Valerie, nothing like that. That’s a FACT, not an idea.  
(The pair meet at the net.)
Ultimately, Valerie “It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old, they grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.” 
(They shake hands.)

Valerie:
But what about insomniacs? Are they born old? Shit I have to stop drinking coffee asap.

(SHARP BLACKOUT.)

(Sounds of planes. VALERIE is wearing sunglasses and rolling a suitcase. Eoghan is brandishing two boarding passes. They stand back to back in a Charlie’s Angels pose. They suddenly brandish something out at the audience, it’s their work identity cards on straps around their neck. )

EOGHAN
(Depressively)
Oh my God Valerie. I really didn’t see myself working full time at WH Smith an entire year after we graduated.

VALERIE
I really didn’t see myself in the mirror this morning because if I had I would have seen the lipstick ALL over my teeth.

EOGHAN
Equally pressing. Why are you carrying a suitcase?

VALERIE
Change of outfit at lunchtime. I won’t be caught dead landside at lunch wearing 
anything less than massively glamorous. Oh my God, are they boarding passes Eoghan?

EOGHAN
Ya, the Manager said we needed to scan them. Have you not been doing that? It gives the customer a discount. You could be fired for not doing that.

VALERIE
Yes, Eoghan but you are not supposed to RETAIN them. You are supposed to give them back!

EOGHAN
(The penny drops)
Oh shiiiiit…

(Sharp blackout. Cut to later. Valerie is manning the self service tills in a Nurse Ratched-esque manner, glaring at customers and picking up random items to inspect them, sometimes sampling the drinks and sandwiches. Eoghan’s character walks in, in disguise.)

VALERIE
If I didn’t know any better I could swear you were Johnathan Rhys Meyers but I’m sure he has been banned from airports worldwide indefinitely.

JOHNATHAN
You do know better because they lifted that ban at the start of this year.

VALERIE
Oh my God...Oh my God. I’m a huge fan. What’s that saying that Brenda Fricker came up with? If you win an Oscar, you’re British but if you are drunk in the airport, you’re Irish BUT if you win an Oscar for being drunk, you’re Johnathan Rhys Meyers.

(VALERIE bellows with laughter, JOHNATHAN is unimpressed. Blackout. Eoghan and Valerie are standing close together, with one earphone in one ear each. A customer comes over to ask them a question.)

EOGHAN
What is wrong with you? Can't you see we're chatting?

(Pause.)

VALERIE
Ya, seriously, like, some people have no manners. We are trying to listen to some music.

(BLACKOUT.)

Eoghan
I can't believe we were fired for ignoring customers.

Valerie
Well, they may have been more lenient if that customer wasn't our Manager?

(BLACKOUT.)

VALERIE
So...how’ve YOU been?

EOGHAN
Do you always have to be this confrontational? Jesus.

VALERIE
It’s a simple question, Eoghan.
What have you been up to?

EOGHAN
Sleeping. Eating. Scrolling and scrolling all day...

(EOGHAN takes a sip of his coffee.)

VALERIE
Oh god Eoghan, you’ve
gone to the dark side again, haven’t you?

EOGHAN
As Socrates says ‘Beware the barrenness of a busy life.’

VALERIE
“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion!”

EOGHAN
That’s Rumi.

VALERIE
No that wasn’t my roomie. I came up with that all by myself.
Seriously state. Have you applied for any jobs since the WH Smith debacle?

EOGHAN
(Burns tongue. With a lisp.)
I’m just living my truth okay?

  VALERIE
Your truth?

(VALERIE cackles.)

Is that what they call the social welfare in Swords? Have you been looking for a job even?

EOGHAN
I have, but I mean, it’s depressing. I’ve basically
gone from college to retirement.
That’s the way it goes now, Valerie.
We are economically unnecessary,

EOGHAN
Actually I do have an audition this afternoon. It’s for a commercial.
And they’re looking for a young, attractive, guy.

VALERIE
But you’re auditioning still? Are there other roles?

EOGHAN
I just think people in medieval
times had the right idea, you know?
Live fast, die young. Or in my
case...live slow, die eventually.

VALERIE
What about friends, Eoghan? You must be hanging around with someone.

EOGHAN
You know, people won’t leave me
the fuck alone. It’s like,
"No, I don’t want to catch up with
you because there’s nothing to
say." And if I do actually meet
them it’s like they’re putting me
under a fucking microscope trying to expose my
flaws.

VALERIE
That’s ridiculous. We both know you
don’t have any flaws. Many flaws.
And the ones you do have are so obvious that you don’t need a microscope to see them.

EOGHAN
I've been in contact with my book publisher. Trying to set the wheels in motion, you know. What about you?

VALERIE
Loads, absolutely loads. But, well I don’t go around blabbing about my prospects before I actually succeed, like some people.

Anyway don’t be a stranger. Give me a call if there’s ever a problem. I won't answer but it's the thought that counts. Never change, changing...always change to suit people. Don’t isolate yourself or others. People will call the police, you don’t want a criminal record.

EOGHAN
I feel like you're just using me as a sounding board and you're not genuinely concerned for me as a friend.

VALERIE
Maybe all of these sly digs are simply well aimed jabs of...love. I really have to make more of a concentrated effort to work through our issues and focus less on myself-

(CUT TO PHONE CALL SCENE)

VALERIE
I’ve got to get out of this fuckin’ hole. I swear. My
parents are timing my showers...and you know I don’t take
many showers Eoghan.

(A droplet falls from the ceiling onto Valerie's face. She briskly uses her top to clean it off her face.)

EOGHAN
Yeah cos it’s bad for the environment.

VALERIE
The environment? Oh ya...that...I love all that.
Jesus Christ, it’s like being in a convent here Eoghan.
Except worse, cos there’s men. You
know I don’t like men, Eoghan.

EOGHAN
But I’m a man.

VALERIE
Huh?
(She snorts.)
Eoghan, you’re the femininity my mother wishes I was born with. Here, I can’t talk all day. I know you’ve all day but I’ve gotta do stuff, okay? I’ve got...I think some crab fishing’s going on down on the beach and I’ve always wanted to try it. I know I’ll excel.

(SCENE FOUR)

EOGHAN
You used to be trendy, Val.

VALERIE
I’m still trendy! I wear all the latest brands. The Gap, House of Frasier, Repeal the 8th.

(VALERIE leans in, EOGHAN is horrified and doesn’t believe what’s about to happen. She kisses him on the lips.)

EOGHAN
What the fuck was that?

VALERIE
Eoghan you’re supposed to turn and present your fucking cheek. What am I supposed to do? Alter my behaviour?

EOGHAN
Jesus!

(Valerie smiles and looks around.)

VALERIE
No, Not quite Jesus. I know I have an excellent aura so I'm not surprised you confused us. Still Val though.

9Flicks her hair dramatically, messing her hair.)

EOGHAN:
Hair!

VALERIE
Ya, your hair is a mess.

EOGHAN
No, not mine. Your hair, not mine...hair. Mein herr. Auf weidersehn.

VALERIE:
What?
(Squinting dramatically.)
By the way, have you seen my glasses anywhere? I was watching Stranger Things earlier and I couldn't tell which one was Winona Ryder.

(EOGHAN shrugs.)

But I hear she steals the show.

EOGHAN
I would laugh but I'm still hurting over Marlon leaving me.

VALERIE
Eoghan, to be honest, you were
never right for each other.

EOGHAN
What, do you really think that?

VALERIE
I have always thought that.

EOGHAN
Well, why didn’t you tell me?!

VALERIE
I thought I did?

EOGHAN
No, you even gave a glowing
speech as Maid of Honour at our
wedding. You cried and said you
wished you were marrying Marlon.

VALERIE
Ya, but there were over a hundred
people at that wedding and you
know I’ll say anything for fame.

EOGHAN
Anyway, we had a perfectly
healthy relationship until you
came along and imposed yourself
on us.


VALERIE
Eoghan, I am more like an
extremely effective catalyst than
a cause. You should be thanking
me for exposing myself to you.

EOGHAN
Valerie you really need to stop doing that at parties.

Maybe that's our problem. Too many parties.

VALERIE 
Not enough books.

EOGHAN
Too many acquaintances.

Valerie
Not enough friends.

EOGHAN
Too many shops.

VALERIE
Not enough TIME!

(Cue music for 'We're really shallow now.')